HOW to Argue – from Contraction to Expansion (Life Lessons Learned from Parenting!).

I’ve been meditating on the concepts of contraction and expansion in many areas of my life and today I realized how to expand in a disagreement… ride with me here for a second.

My daughter and I were at an impasse – it was a small situation really, but isn’t that how many arguments are? We were both frustrated because we were holding onto opposite ideas. She was adamant about wanting to bring $40 in her wallet to school, rather than leave it in the car or my bag, where I thought it would be safer. We were in the car on the way to her elementary school, so only had about five more minutes to resolve this. I could have pulled the parent card, and it would have been over, but I decided to wait… and examine further what was really happening for us.

When I expanded my perception, I realized we were both contracting! Once I recognized this, I intentionally expanded my thoughts to the bigger picture, and realized where my general boundary is (without focusing on this situation)… I decided to let her choose, and I shared, “In general, I think it is not a good idea to take valuable things to school, because if something happened to them, you would be sad.” As soon as I realized this and shared it, without being attached to how this small situation played out, I was no longer contracted, and it felt good! (And, it allowed her to open enough to tell me that some money had gotten lost when she left it in her dad’s car, which explained why she was so adamant about taking it with her.)

Though she understood and opened some, I could still see some frustration (contraction), so I asked her how she felt on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = total contraction, and 10 = too open [no boundaries – this is deep concept in itself] and 5 being right in the middle = total balance). She said 3. True. I shared with her that that what we were arguing about was no longer important… that it no longer mattered to me if the money went to school or not, because I realized that the value was not in the $40. The value was in the lesson of how to have self awareness in an argument.

What was more important than what we were arguing about was being able to recognize ourselves and how open/balanced/contracted we are, particularly when we are in an argument. Just recognizing we are contracted allows us to expand, so that we can bring ourselves to balance (5). When we do that, more solutions are available. When we are contracted we see limited solutions, and as we expand so do the possibilities. In our morning impasse, I realized that learning HOW to argue was more important than the argument itself. Profound moment.

From contraction, arguments can become power struggles. If we expand our thoughts to see things in a larger context (history/boundaries/unmet needs), our awareness of ourselves expands, and we are able to communicate more clearly. It is like taking a deep breath after being under intense pressure, and everything softens. Solutions are abundant and it feels good. Of course, for true evolution, both people have to be willing to expand their perception and soften. Then, the possibilities are infinite.

Thanks for ridin w me… I’m all about bringing myself into balance so I can be more effective with my work in the world. Let’s keep evolving in love.

Mela Amaiya

www.wata.dance

p.s. She took the money to school, and nothing happened, though it wouldn’t have mattered if it did, because that conversation was worth way more than $40!

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