I happen to be male, but if you happen to be female, then any of these things apply in relationships. By that I mean, if you are a woman who prefers men, and the man you were initially attracted to is acting like a d!ckewad, then it’s upon you to shift him out of it because he is likely BLIND to it.
Don’t play along! Slap him upside the head every time. Otherwise, he’s gonna ruin it and remain the d!ckwad for-ev-er. If you love him, slap him down. Now!
D!ckwads love self improvement
The man who is blind to his lapses into d!ckwadness probably has done all sorts of self-improvement to exactly NOT be a d!ck in relationships, which often can be the very root of his shortcomings. He believes that he has overcome, such that, “whatever problems arise” are due to his significant other’s failures to strive towards similar excellence. Like at the end of MY relationship, my girlfriend wept on her sofa upon my entry into her abode, saying, “It’s all f*cked up.” Into my head came the thought, “Yeah, why did you do that?”
D!ckwads are excellent at compensating
If you are a guy, and meet a woman you are attracted to, the possibilities are endless that you were less than stellar in your first interactions. If this has occurred, the man feels this GLITCH deeply in his heart, and should things then progress on a more positive note, he will ASSUME she didn’t notice, and keep things moving forward. However, every single interaction is always DULY NOTED. Should the man then feel the need to compensate thereafter, this too will be noted by her.
Without a beginning featuring an EQUAL footing, the guy will need to find ways to make peace that he ain’t so perfect after all. And stop compensating, or proving he can do better, forever thereafter. And thereafter. And forever.
Caribbean white sands sounds good, doesn’t it, honey?
D!ckwads were often raised right
If the guy was a Boy Scout early in life or president of his high school class or a straight A student, it comes with proper training NOT to be a sexual creature. In presenting a well-trained and polite demeanor, sex is something which grows out of RESPECT, we are taught. Thus sex can only occur by the accidental placement of boy and girl in the same room without supervision, through a kind of lack of “self-control” and “OMG what just happened?”
Thus every subsequent date is coordinated for such accidental occasions and the woman will eventually NOTICE. The Boy Scout is often just a half-wit d!ckwad done grown up, seeking every available opportunity to get out of his uniform.
Thus, she will fairly quickly put up resistance. The d!ckwad brain will go into full super-hero action to justify itself as well intentioned, and interpret her behavior as moody (or less of a slut than he is). Now the d!ckwad grows moody himself because his game is the only one he knows, which is to walk the young lady safely across the street in order to avoid men like him.
One simple trick men don’t think of on their own
An alternate strategy is to stay WITH your awesome date, paying attention to her willingness to participate in your (many) devious schemes. Ask her to do things for you, and if she does so willingly, you are on the right track. Such as, “Hey, come here for a second.” Or, “Help me get these boots off,” or any other legitimate request.
Mostly what the d!ckwad does, is NOT to make requests, but instead AMUSES and ENTERTAINS, and then if there’s even a half-hearted response, he rests upon his laurels. But there ain’t no resting on your laurels in a relationship nowadays because things have CHANGED. I mean, not just since the 1950s, but since 2005ish.
So, the alternate strategy is to ASK for what you want, and not manipulate your way into events, as if “nobody would ever do” what you actually want. Small bits of requests are easier to swallow than asking for nothing, then suddenly expecting everything.
Back when Mom and Dad were role models
It’s not like Mom and Dad’s world any more. And if Mom and Dad stayed married and the girlfriend’s parents did not, this is just one more reason for the d!ckwad to rest on his laurels. Sure, d!ckwad failed himself in likewise perpetuating the family tradition, but he can make it out like he’s (still) looking for a girl as good as his mom, so she’s got to measure up, because if she doesn’t, it’s due to her lousy role models, not d!ckwad’s.
The cycle begins with, the better he is, the more she has to prove. Why? Because that’s what HE’S doing. Proving. And that’s the game, if nobody stops it, hand over hand over hand.
Moms previously didn’t know how to stop all that, so it passed on down to the kids.
When he’s not congruent
An additional reason for the man to make REQUESTS of his object of affection, is for there to be congruence between what he says and what he does. It’s a big leap between the first date and the second, especially from the guy being polite and moving things onto the couch. The first go-around is always especially thrilling, but by the fifth or sixth date, the woman has noticed this guy always flashes HOT with attention as her shirt comes off. During the date, he’s bored and almost sleepy, but now look at him. Wide awake!
And tomorrow he will congratulate himself
Thus the d!ckwad goes on dates as a means to self-congratulation, especially the hotter she is. He will even withhold his interest during the date for the little things, then unleash his prowess energies like Superman out-from-the-telephone-booth at the slightest indication that his sensual services might be required. In this case, you can bet he’s collecting another great story for his buddies, who tend to hang on his every thrilling word.
D!ckwad is just a man trapped by duality
So far, he is following her energies only in the sense that one thing might lead to another as if by accident. Then in the bedroom itself, he wants her FULLY HERSELF, lit with her own uncontrollable passions, so he makes no requests in the bedroom either. He just does it. He just proves to her what a great lover HE is.
Her agreeing to a next-date proves nothing to him except his own prowess. Thus the next date is all about him lying in wait for her lust to awaken because why go to a movie at all if you can just stay at home and f*ck?
While at the movie, he is thinking the whole time, “I know she wants me.”
On the friends and family plan
Now her friends and family are part of his equation and these people are nobody he’d interact with in REAL LIFE. So he finds himself not congruent again, thus plays whatever role fits, to be liked JUST ENOUGH.
The problem also becomes, that SHE confides in him, so he knows little facts and family secrets, and these he must incorporate into the dynamics of him with them. It’s a lot of PLAY ACTING, which works for the short term, but pretty soon all those other people catch on to the subtleties and glitches of insincerity, plus he starts getting caught up in the family dynamics, too.
Like with my girlfriend, she initially said, “You’ve impressed my sister and that’s not easy to do.” So, you know, check that off the list, move on, keep impressing the rest of the gang. So Sister, she notices she’s no longer on the “impress me” list and she don’t like that. Now there’s an enemy in the clatch, and damage control, and the guy might as well quit while he’s ahead because blood is always thicker than water.
And you just f*cked up and can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
But where was d!ckwad boyfriend from the moment he met awesome girlfriend? He was blind and groping reality ALONE, until unsuspecting HER comes along, and now he’s groping HER. In some ways, all men are blind, and women can be full of mercy, so the whole thing tends to drag out in little shreds and tatters, I mean, not always, but in time, somewhat probably. That’s the statistics anyway.
Get a liveable relational vision
One thing in my most recent relationship, was discovering that my girlfriend did not have sex with her previous boyfriend at the end for an ENTIRE YEAR. I was like, “That will never happen with us!”
So there became a kind of infused paranoia, and EVERY date needed to be at least half-sexual or else time might pass and a whole year might go by. And I tended to IGNORE her actual needs and signals, because clearly she’s lost, if she went an entire year in a relationship without sex, and needed ME to prevent that from ever happening again.
Plus, she held a ceremony after that relationship ended in which she BURNED the things her previous boyfriend had given her. So I gave her only things she could eat or drink immediately, and sometimes large crystals of amethyst and citrine, which don’t ignite. And I would tell her, don’t destroy these things if we ever don’t work out!
I didn’t trust her. I tended to not put the ball in her court ever, ran the entire relationship from my end, didn’t give her much of a say in anything, fearing what might happen if she did have a say.
You see, d!ckwads often have good intensions, just upside-down, as in CONTROL FREAK. But you’re not a control freak because you let her do whatever she wants to do in bed, because that was her idea, never even crossed your mind.
Few men by nature are true d!ckwads
The thing is, no man is by nature either a d!ckwad OR God’s gift to women. Relating to the opposite sex is something to be learned and not in the genetic code itself. Yet self improvement for “the sake of self improvement” never works in relationships.
Like my particular girlfriend suffered from various minor health maladies, and me, being the d!ckwad I was, studied the CAUSES behind her issues, then proceeded to forward ARTICLES pertaining to ways she could improve her diet, exercise, shit like that. Then, being rebuffed by her, I maintained a begrudging judgement of her for not becoming a better person, like I was.
All anybody needed to do was to point that out to me, not to take that attitude, and I won’t!
Also, being a “positive thinker” d!ckwad myself, I bemoaned her every negativity as having catastrophic consequences for not just her life, but mine. The d!ckwad is still a d!ckewad, even if he is always looking at the bright side of everything, needing to point that out, like daily.
Oh, don’t do that either, I learn, and now I won’t.
Her emotions are real and genuine opportunities to connect. She is investing herself in building intimacy, not just unwittingly betraying her weaknesses to get shot down.
Failure and loss are for waking up
In fact, just about EVERYTHING I was doing with my girlfriend was self-taught and 180 degrees wrong. As I’m learning from my failures, I’m changing. How to be the best d!ckwad ever, is never change.
Deep down, I actually always wanted to better succeed in relationships, than what I observed as a child. Society thinks adults are just babies who instantly started walking. No, you CRAWL first. But society doesn’t allow for that stage in development when it comes to love and marriage. Society says, men don’t crawl; men walk.
Men fall down. Oh, we skipped the crawling part of the learning equation.
Life is just too short for trial and error and the real issue is that we begin life as children. And children are rewarded based on how wonderful they are. And being wonderful as AN ADULT is cause for the d!ckwad’s untold sufferings, because he’s doing every right, while failing miserably.
Men don’t cry either. Men are allowed to pull their hair out in frustration though, when blaming.
Don’t blow my cover
For almost my entire life, I believed those lines in the popular song: I’m looking for a lover who won’t blow my cover. She’s so oh hard to find.
Of course she’s hard to find because it never was cool to catch the woman who wouldn’t blow your cover.
That’s what hookups and one night stands are for, aren’t they? There, then not? To bide time for the d!ckwad to get his shit together and start learning how to GET REAL, present it real, be real by himself, for himself, keep it real because life is too short for pretending. Leaning into that, it’s time for the second date.
Like, Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you cray-ay-zzee.
Cray-ay-zzee.
More on the author’s epiphanies here.
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