How to handle guilt when a loved one commits suicide.

Yesterday someone asked how to stop blaming themselves for a friend’s recent suicide. I was able to respond based on my personal experience losing a close one to suicide. I am sharing my answer here with the hope that this may help somebody dealing with similar pain.

I don’t know anything about the situation other than the details you have shared so I will not make any assumptions or judgments about your friend. It is not my place to try to explain what they may or may not have been dealing with or why they chose to take their own life. I also have no right to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel or even to try to tell you what is best for you.

What I can do is share my experience having lost my brother to suicide shortly after I graduated from high school. I also work in mental health and have learned a great deal advocating for individuals dealing with mental illness, including myself. I can share with you what did not work for me and how I caused myself a great deal of pain over the years as well as what I have learned and how I came to deal with the loss.

In my case, I did not handle things the best way from the start. I remember having this sort of mantra where I would constantly repeat to myself, “whatever happened happened. There’s nothing I can do to change it. I just need to move forward.” That’s when I joined the Army and began running away. I didn’t stop to look back for the next 15 years.

We grew up in a very dysfunctional family and I never really learned how to feel emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones. I was the youngest of three boys. My middle brother is the one I refer to. He was my best friend, teacher, and guardian in many ways. I carried thoughts of guilt many times and blamed myself in different ways. All of the “what if’s” and “if only’s” drove me nuts.

My mother was incredibly abusive physically and emotionally to us, but especially to him. I remember so many times where he would get it so much worse because “he was supposed to look after me.” I carried that guilt since he got the worst of it because of things that I did and because I never spoke up to anyone outside the family about what was going on. I blamed my mother more than anything and was convinced that she killed him through her treatment of him. The truth I know today is that he made the decision and I do not know what he was thinking or what led him to the decision because I cannot read minds and he didn’t leave an explanation.

Fueled by blame, shame, anger, fear, and the unwillingness to forgive, I spent the next 15 years trying to “not feel.” I did this through drugs, sex, alcohol, relationships, and anything else I could find to distract me from dealing with what was going on inside. I eventually accepted that all I was doing was committing suicide myself, just at a much slower rate while destroying everything around me in the process.

By that point, I was homeless (literally on the street, sleeping outside), had been through several treatment programs (addiction and mental illness), in and out of jail, so many jobs that I lost count, and I still couldn’t get it together. I was still miserable and scared all the time, had barely taken part in the lives of my two amazing, beautiful daughters, and had no real friends or family around.

Obviously, I had to get clean, learn how to stay clean, and start putting my life back together. This has been a continual, challenging process I have to work at every single day and I am far from perfect at it. In order to do this, I have had to do several other things. Continually.

This first thing that I had to do was to stop blaming (period). That meant myself, my mom, him, God, anything or anyone). No one person was at fault. Chris was obviously in a great deal of pain and decided the solution was to end it completely. Chances are there was some undiagnosed mental illness. There were no warning signs to pick up on and even if there were, I am not God nor can I control anybody else. My mother made some major mistakes, too, but I believe she was doing what she had learned and felt was right for whatever reason. Trying to make sense of it and hold someone responsible was just continually reliving the trauma over and over.

I had to stop using his suicide as an excuse. No matter how good I was doing, how long I stayed clean, or how well I pretended that everything was okay, I always used the excuse to go right back down the rabbit hole and back into the same self-destructive, “poor me” behaviors. I began to remember the good things about him and celebrate his life. I know that he would not want me to continue destroying myself and causing harm to others because of his actions. I was not doing his memory any justice.

I had to accept that I am human. He was human. My mother is human. We all make mistakes. I believe that generally we all do our best to do what we think will lead us to be happy and free from suffering. We all have different way of going about it and none of us has all the right answers.

I had to forgive my mother. It didn’t take long to realize that I couldn’t forgive her or anyone else before forgiving myself. As long as I hold myself to unrealistic expectations and standards, I’m going to hold others to the same. I also soon realized that forgiveness is not a one time deal. It would be really nice to be able to “forgive and forget,” but that’s just not reality.

Forgiveness is a practice and I now know that there is no such thing as perfect. It is a process that needs regular maintenance if I am to remain free. I also know that forgiveness is not condoning someone’s actions or behavior. It has very little to do with the other person and everything to do with freeing myself from the pain that has been festering for so many years. It allows me to move forward in life with all that dead weight lifted.

Most importantly, I have to take really good care of myself on a daily basis. I have been able to find some positive in what happened, all of it, because for one, I am still here. His committing suicide and the effect it had on me and everybody else who knew him has prevented me from ever being able to do it myself. I still have an opportunity to be a father (now a grandfather too!) I also have developed an strong sense of empathy and compassion for others. This has led me to become involved in mental health, advocacy, and helping others.

One of my favorite teachers, Brene Brown, said something once that has always stuck with me. I wasn’t able to find it quoted anywhere, but I will do my best to get it correct. It was (not exactly), “Look into your heart. Discover what causes you pain and vow, under any circumstances, not to inflict that pain on someone else.”

I try to take it a step further and vow to do my best to help others relieve their pain. Notice I say “help others… their pain.” I have had to learn (the hard way, of course) that I cannot take anyone’s pain away or relieve their suffering. Nor can I take responsibility for it. I can’t “make” anybody feel or not feel anything. I can be with them, share my experience and how I deal with my pain, and hopefully help them learn how to relieve their own. But, I cannot do it for them. Trust me, I wish I could.

So, if I can give you any suggestions, it would be to allow yourself to grieve. Take time to feel the pain, but don’t let it overwhelm you. I don’t believe we are expected to do this alone. You are already beginning by asking the question here and asking for help. That is huge! Many people don’t even come this far.

Continue asking for help and allowing others to be there for you. One of my biggest mistakes was not allowing others in on my pain. Trying to stuff it all in just slowly eroded my spirit and led me to put it on others at times.

Realize that nobody is to blame and that’s okay. We don’t need a target. All blame does is allow us to deflect our pain onto someone or something else. It doesn’t help us work through it.

Forgive yourself for anything that you are holding onto that’s contributing to your depressed feelings. It doesn’t help us to carry pain from the past into our present.

Learn about mindfulness. This has been the single-most important, vital, and life-saving practice I have learned that has allowed me to get where I am today.

With mindfulness, I learn how to practice forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, compassion, and how to love myself and others. It is what allows me to remain free no matter what is going on around me.

As you get better, use your experience to help others. There are so many ways to do this. From the little things like just being available to listen to someone without judgment or trying to “fix” anything, to involving yourself in suicide prevention efforts or mental health advocacy. There are people out there who need the help of someone like you.

You have to put yourself first, though. I’ve learned that if I do not continually take care of myself, I end up not just being unavailable to others, but causing even more harm at times. You may have heard the plane flight analogy.

When the flight attendant goes over the emergency procedures, they are always clear to tell you to “put your oxygen mask on first before assisting a child or someone else with theirs.” I can’t help someone put on their oxygen mask if I can’t even breathe myself. And I take the risk of both of us dying in the process.

I believe the best thing any of us can do with our trauma and tragedy is to learn how to skillfully overcome it so that we are able to help others get through similar pains. This is a great purpose.

I really hope that something I have written here will help ease your pain and bring you some inspiration. I am grateful for the opportunity to share with you because every time I talk about my experience, it helps me a little more. So thank you. I wish you the best.

Peace and love,

Andrew

Don’t hesitate to get in touch with me through the Freedom Is Free site or the Facebook page if you have any questions or want to follow up. There is some great info and inspiration out there, including a great video of Brene Brown’s Ted talk on vulnerability. I would love to hear how things are going for you.

I will leave you with a another favorite quote.

“Grief is like the wake behind a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate. And after a long time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that is when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above.” ~ Jimmy Buffett

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