Introspection

I spend a lot of nights staying up much later than I should; recollecting past memories where I existed as a stronger, happier version of myself. I reminisce in them, probably more than I should, wondering where that person had gone. That person always gave it their best, every day with determination, and reveled in it. Never taking anything for granted. Flashforward to the present, and you will see someone who has seemingly stopped trying, or at least forgotten why they ever started in the first place. Every day that little voice inside my head that pushes me to be better gets a little bit quieter. This doesn’t even happen consciously anymore, it has become part of who I am.

Habits are hard to make and easy to break

A habit can take a minimum of two months before it becomes automatic. The constant act of doing, over time, reinforces the positive feeling you get when you accomplish a task. Most days I feel like I am on autopilot, traveling through a storm. Moving in the opposite direction of my destination. What is my destination anyway? Is it what society has told me to believe, what I feel others expect of me or is it something much more? For me, this has resulted in a journey into an abyss that I haven’t yet found the path out of. With each passing day, I choose to not choose, leaving me in a mental limbo that paralyzes me. I feel stagnant, but in reality, my thoughts are what hold me back. Let me be clear—I don’t dislike myself, I dislike aspects of myself. This article is an exercise in self-awareness, an attempt at being open and honest with myself. Learning to be mindful of those aspects allows me the opportunity to improve upon them individually. Mindfulness leads to discovery, and discovery leads to improvement.

The road less traveled

If you’re someone who bases their information on science, like me, then we see the destination from the perspective that we are all traveling toward the same end, the same fate. Roll the credits. I have gone through many new experiences, some negative, some positive. I’ve lost friends, but also made new connections that have turned into friendships that will last a lifetime. I’m learning to ask myself what I feel is important to me, and what provides me joy in life. Whether that is going to the gym, hacking away at some programming language, writing a new blog post, or enjoying a night out with friends. It’s about appreciating the small things and being grateful for what we have. I always loved waking up early in the morning, hearing the birds chirp from outside my window. Some people will never be able to experience that, which makes me even more grateful. Most importantly, I need to remind myself that I have a supportive group of friends and family who would do anything for me.

The dash

When someone passes, we mark their life with a start date and an end date, with a line in between—the dash. This might seem insignificant, but it truly is what matters most. It represents how we chose to live our life, the love that we gave and received, and how we affected the lives of the people around us. The destination isn’t what’s important, it’s the path you choose to get there and the wisdom you pick up and share along the way. Buddha told us that life is suffering, and that’s true. But the deeper meaning here is that from suffering we heal, and in healing, we grow. It’s about being in the present moment and experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced. Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone will bring us to new heights. Life is fleeting and the odds that we are all alive on this planet at all is statistically next to none. So let’s make the most of it.

We always have a choice, and it starts with being honest with ourselves.

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