INVISIBLE ME

Looking at this old picture I have to confess it made me sad.  Why? Because I can see the vulnerability and pain of feeling not enough in so many ways so clearly shining out of those eyes.  Because I can see what was going on inside that young girl’s heart and mind.  She never felt comfortable in her own skin.  She never felt that she fitted in.  She always felt that she was on the outside looking in, even when around her closest friends. She so wanted to be loved but rarely even got asked out on a date.   She compared herself to others and felt that she fell short – she was not attractive enough, not smart enough, not interesting enough.  She felt invisible – at work, socially, and on her own at home during the lonely nights.

In the era she grew up in, she was not taught that it didn’t matter what others thought of her, she wasn’t taught that she was special or unique, she wasn’t taught that she was enough just as she was, she wasn’t taught that she could do anything if she set her mind to it.  She wasn’t taught that the one person she could truly rely on was herself.

On the contrary … she was taught she was “lucky” to have a man in her life.  She was taught that a person’s worth was measured in what they had rather than who they were and what they gave.  She was taught that she could not be the real her and outwardly share her emotions and feelings because she would be judged.

So how did that shape her life and the decisions that she made? It caused her to seek love outside of herself.  To chase it fiercely whether it was right for her or not. It made her feel insecure, constantly seeking reassurance from others, being with people who didn’t see her worth, who used her and hurt her, because as long as there was someone in her life that meant she wasn’t totally invisible.  It took her into relationships where she was betrayed terribly, abandoned and just confirmed to her even more that there was something wrong with her, that she was not enough in so many ways.  It caused her to make hasty decisions, to not follow her dreams because what was the point – she would fail anyway.

There was happiness along the way – it wasn’t all misery.  The biggest gift that came out of one of the doomed relationships was a much wanted child – her one unconditional love.

One day she woke up – or rather she broke down, put herself back together again but the pieces fit differently this time.   It was like a veil was lifted, a light was switched on – suddenly she felt free to look deeply into herself without fear and see that she was perfect just the way she was – perfectly imperfect.  She could also look back with fresh eyes and clearly see why she had made the choices she had over her lifetime.

This new way of being caused upheaval in her life at the same time as it brought freedom.  It made people feel uncomfortable around her because she was different than the person they knew.  She didn’t seek others’ approval anymore.  She was comfortable in her own skin.  She spoke out.  She couldn’t settle anymore for a small life.  She wanted to make up for the past 50 years of being in her self-imposed prison.  Instead of saying “I can’t” she started saying “why not?”.  The hardest and saddest thing of all was realising that the long term relationship she was in with a wonderful, kind and reliable man didn’t fit her anymore – it fit the person that she was 15 years ago when it first began and so she said goodbye.

She doesn’t know what is ahead of her and instead of feeling fear she feels excitement.  Instead of being worried about having “things” and “someone” in her life, she feels calm and lighter with an inner knowing that everything is working out exactly as it should, as written in her soul contract.

Why am I sharing this? Because that girl in the photo was me – and I am here to break traditions, to let others know that it is okay to be themselves, it is okay to want more out of their life or a different life altogether, that it is not selfish or wrong  – that you CAN give yourself permission and the one person you can rely on is yourself ….. and life will NEVER be the same…

About the author : 

Suzie de Jonge is an expert in helping women identify and eliminate limiting self-beliefs and reshape their lives in her role as a  transformational therapist/mentor supporting women through www.beautifullyselfish.com.    Using her warmth, wit and relatability she also likes to share her wisdom as an inspirational speaker and blogger.  She finds so much joy in helping people really connect back to their inner self, recognise their own self-worth and value and assist them to create their best life possible! In her downtime she enjoys hanging out with her two furry daughters, puppies Daisy and Maggie and her two-legged daughter, Alex, as well as reading, meditating, laughing and making each day count!

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