Living Unapologetically.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment -Ralph Waldo Emerson.

For as long as I can remember I have always been an eccentric, loud and animated guy that falls in love with books more often than the rest of the guys I have been friends with. My inclination towards books has led me to develop a non-aggressive, mellow attitude. My childhood wasn’t filled with random fights at school or college. It was full of books, imagination, and art. It’s not that I never get angry or upset it’s just that I have always avoided causing someone physical harm. I lost my father at the age of fourteen and I remember how difficult life became after that.

I was bullied at school because everyone that bullied me knew I wouldn’t fight back. That I would stay quiet even when humiliated. Throughout my high school, I remember being degraded and laughed at. This was the time I got glasses. Late night book reading came with a price and that price was weak eyesight. Now I looked nerdy too. I was never into being muscular and still am not. I did play sports though. Football to be exact. I was athletic and used to run marathons but that was before I started smoking cigarettes and occasionally doping.

I was 16 and in high school when I first started experimenting with my sexuality. From a very young age, I was attracted to boys but societal and peer pressure never allowed me to embrace my feelings. It was after my breakup with my then girlfriend that I had sex with a guy. A friend from college. It was a typical sleepover at that friend’s place. We were smoking sheesha, laughing and chatting. We were six boys at his house. We watched a movie together, a scary movie that meant all the boys were in bed together clinging to each other. While the rest of the boys slept my friend (Let’s call him A) started rubbing my thighs. I remember how good it felt. A went down on me, his mouth and tongue felt heavenly. I reciprocated the act. We kept it a secret and promised to not let the other boys know about it. I would drop at A’s place discreetly every now and then. We were sex buddies. These sexual encounters kept going for more than a year before our high school finished. I’m still friends with A but we don’t have sex now.

It took me six years to finally get comfortable with my sexuality and embracing my bisexuality. I remember my friends mocking the LGBT community and how all of them would burn in hell for eternity. I wanted to intervene, to stop them but was afraid of being singled out and discriminated so I kept quiet. When I did finally muster the courage to speak up I was mocked and laughed at. I was alone and scared. Scared of being isolated.

Over the past year, I have finally understood how much pain I was causing by staying silent. I was doing injustice to the discriminated and to my own self. I apologized too frequently even when I wasn’t at fault. I apologizing for simply being myself. The last year changed that. I stopped apologizing for my existence. I stopped putting up with people’s bullshit and now I voice out my opinions clearly and firmly. I have embraced my flaws and imperfections because I realized that no matter what I do what I become there will always be someone who wouldn’t like me. We put so much emphasis on pleasing others that we lose our own individuality. We as a society have learned to apologize for our existence. We have become comfortable with being a reflection of what others want rather than what we want. So I am breaking this cycle. I will not apologize for being bisexual, for being nerdy, for being skinny, for being myself. We all can achieve so much more when we start living unapologetically. We can achieve more when we start accepting people for who they are rather who they can be. We can achieve more when we judge less and love more because how unfortunate it is to live a life apologizing.

Comments