Living with the ‘Black Spirit’ of Depression

Ah depression! How can one word encapsulate a barrage of varying experiences that some people might just never understand?

It’s our life long companion that would never leave us. It’s the voice that whispers in our ears and controls every thought in our mind . It’s the ruler of emotions and the Hitler of our life.

Even people with depression judge those whose suffer from it. The stigma is so real and unexplained. They think it’s contagious like the flu. ‘Don’t come too close to me, else I’ll catch it too‘. Cuz who the f#@k wants to ever feel that way! People are judgmental pr!%ks, even the ones who pretend not to be suffering from depression because they are in denial and don’t want to be stigmatised or label as …oh , having issues, being unstable or whatever society dubs them.

We could have everything in the world but the black spirit still rules. Shaming people to hide in closets and not share their feelings is ever more rampant.

If google were to track my searches I would surely be getting all the ads for suicide prevention. When you think no one else will listen, google will. Yet the irony of researching for a self cure with the accessibility of information has given rise to more suicides. It’s because google is not a person. Social media is the biggest paradox. Talking to humans and actually having face-to-face conversations is what true ‘social media’ is. But all that is taken away with the development of technology.

My advise to anyone suffering from depression is : to deactivate your FB profile and other social media (even for a short while) and see how you feel. This element fuels depression and makes us feel worse about ourselves. Because we compare our lives with others who take the liberty to gloat about their not-so-perfect lives and boast about what a great time they are having. But people don’t realise how superficial most of these posts are and that the opposite couldn’t be more true. So let’s do ourselves a favour and come off Facebook, even just for a while. We could save our own lives.

Depression makes us feel lonely and isolated. It makes us push people away because we don’t have the energy to cope with others. Yet its the time when we crave attention from people most but afraid to open up and be vulnerable because we don’t want to be judged. Just admitting we are depressed or suffer from it is bad enough. Talking about it could just put the final nail in the coffin and ruin friendships. Unless of course we pay to talk to a professional in a ‘no-judgment’ environment.

That’s like an average of $200 an hour. Try calculating how many hours throughout our life you would need to pay for help. You might go broke! So no, it’s not a feasible option either.

An attempt at suicide without being successful is an outcry for help else it would be done properly. There probably remains a small ounce of hope, desperation or will to live and a part of us that doesn’t want to die just yet. What is really desired is to have love and attention that we may have never gotten before. Being loved and accepted is probably the number one human desire and we go to great lengths to achieve it even if it means giving up morals, health wealth and standards.

People look on the outside for the truth and for answers when everything they are looking for lies within. It’s the ‘God’ within, not the ‘God’ without. I saw an incredible phrase etched broadly in bold italic across the chest of an american film director whom I worked with saying ” The God Within Me Sees The God Within You“. I wonder what made him feel so passionately about that statement that made him permanently scar his skin with it for the world to see?

I’m inspired to write this because of the death Anthony Bourdain and was planning to come back on FB this time anyway in anticipation of the excitement of World Cup.

From the first moment I watch his show about 10 years ago when it was introduced to me by an ex, who had watched his show religiously and who made an observation that held my perspective ever since – ‘He doesn’t smile’ , and he never really did. He might have shown some teeth but that’s it. I always thought this guy to be a unique personality, quite unlike the chirpy, happy go lucky, touristy hosts we are accustomed to seeing. He was raw, crass and a rebel with a cause.

Like a nomad, he traveled the world delving into cultures and uncovering what some would call unusual but would be the norm for others. He had no boundaries and no fear.

Sad eyes never lie. Look into the eyes of people and you would see who they really are – if they are hiding, lying, pretending or genuine. I made him out from a mile away without having to meet the fella and the news of his apparent suicide was shocking but not surprising as I saw him for the deep sentimental soul he was, who probably had seen how f&*ked up this world is first hand through his culinary adventures while probably trying to find his purpose in life. He probably did find it and told himself in the same manner Sting broke up with the Police that “it can’t get better than this” and exited like Kurt Cobain’s fashion “its better to burn out than fade away”. Or maybe his quest for meaning, purpose and belonging was unfulfilled and after 61 years he was just really burnt out.

Not everyone would get you and it’s not their business to. People should mind their own business and to some, depression is liability with a high expense that they were born into and would die with. How you handle it as it makes its unwelcomed, unannounced appearances in your life is your business and no one else. No pill or person can help you. It starts with yourself and a minute can be the difference between life and death where you decide in that moment if you want to fight or surrender to your demons.

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