Lost – My struggle after addiction when all they see is superficial May 2018

I bellow a gut wrenching scream whilst I discovered the truths of my own soul that I have been blinded too. The echo of my aching ignorance flood the valleys of the wounded lives. The scream from my soul bellows again. I am not of the aware of my blankness, as my heart is full of wishes and wants of beauty and ideals and love for others. My worry is often fraught with fellows of my times, and hearts I can see only with the brightest shinning beams of light that can only seep from the cracks of life that has been harsh and sometimes cruel to my loves, my hero’s that I have follwed and idealized and dreamed of.
My frustration of the talk I am now accustomed to, with a slow reflect if any of deep or substantial heart had become the expected word. My futile attempts to hear, the real and frightening and sometimes painful trials of past was fleeting at best, met with the slow of tears the quick sharp words that pleaded to leave well alone. I had opened painful prisons in minds of people who scolded me for the opening of long closed wounds and graves. I sought and searched for some type of truthful, of less than the shadow all had become, and more than the struggles they ran through each day.
I had lost people, friends, companions, idols, mentors and teachers. Some through the dive into the hell of the pool where I once dipped my toes afraid and knowing I could not drown like all I had seen before, hiding and ashamed of the madness that had begun to consume me, sparing the heavenly and pure from the darkness. Afraid and unable to plea for help in attempts to keep the dark secrets that had been of the greatest of importance, absolutely essential without question for so many years. The consequence unknown by the uneducated attempting to fix what they had no understanding of.
Others had fled through the ignorance of my knowledge, or apparent lack their of, being feed with my fixed views, not willing to stretch and bend my ideals and order of thoughts of life. It was like my illusion of the worlds previous ways where tested and tested. I sun-baked in the freedom to be respected for my own hearts and minds opinions, with acceptance and no judgement. I thrived on the barter of favours that exchanged, making it an equal and fair existence to breathe each day.
I then fell from the idea of equals and any chance of true acceptance without deception in truth. The freedom offered and promised was of the false sense, and freedom if I chose to align my thoughts with theirs and only that would be of any acceptance. Goodbye I bid to another soul. The comfort I had once found seemed to be disappearing like a magic trick, and I was left standing and wondering where did it go so terribly wrong.
Some has been lost through clever worded tongues to cease my alliance with friendships they felt where threats. Instead of forging ahead trying to balance and e in the centre of hatred and war, I went long with the planned separations and retreated. I sat with the kindness of I was not to judge what others did or felt, but suffered indirectly anyway coward stance on not being involved in others fights soon wore thin.
My manned had changed, hardened. Through pain and Uncertainty and Uncertainty . I sensed the distancing of long held friendships. Not through the trials of my life, but through the difficulties in their own. I distanced not wanting to burden my hurts over and on top of their own. I wax too proud.
I was now without any real connection that I deeply depended on the nourish my soul. As the weak chameleon I had become, assimilating with the varying place as I found my time drawn in by, I was now lost.
I craved to know the things that broke their hearts. I wondered what they deeply regretted in past times. I deeply wished to understand the motivation behind the behaviours of their courage when betrayed, their strengths when tested. I wondered what made them feel alive, what brought one to wonder about death and leaving the earth. I was interested in the why, what and how they ended up at where they where in life.
I was still so curious, but battered and lectured on leaving well alone.

I learnt to be silent. Oh I could talk for hours and not one ridiculous thing that left my breathe had anything worthy of a breathe. I caged myself in the internal prison I had made for myself by my choices and the companions I sought to keep. I was slowly dying inside my own heart and could not play in a world of empty. I occasionally would find some small willingness of one to share, but in brief whilst away from other prying ears. I began to sink deeper in the pool. I then met one that you could almost see the feelings and emotions in, but quickly I was boxed into the prison of you are just, not enough. The beginning of the eternal inner fight with myself. I had previously been validated in respected my opinions, but what they ,meant was as long as it aligned with their.
I had been discouraged and scolded for op3ning wounds not yet dealt with, raw and painful, and learnt to communicate useless facts and meaningless chattering as my only means of friendliness. Now I also was reminded it was just nothing. Judgement without wanting to see the hollow, or attempt to even try. Confusion set in whilst I drowned myself wishing for death or end. I could not see a way out of the pool, as I wasn’t aware I was swimming where I had never dared set foot before.
I started to cringe at the constant demeaning of my once safe place. The only place I had ever known and one I had enjoyed shelter in from all for so many years. The once familiar hopelessness from many years ago reappeared, and for the first time I was unable to stand up, ,fight back, be the always strong hearted one I had been, even on my own, willing to be my own protector. Where I once belonged and relished in the deep desires and wants and needs of others, the long conversations about futures dreams of, and the expected present which changed without warning of worries in friends of life paths they never dreamed. Of endless nights watching flames to keep warm while we shed the cold we had felt at times in life, sharing meals, and hopes, and our deepest hidd3n desires.
It was now gone. Replaced by wondering what the fuck. Shuffling between my inner kindness that I knew had to always be shown to all, no matter their battle with me, and the desire to protect and defend my word, my world, my safe place.
I dreamed of wanting to know the desires of the life I had found, the things he had longed for and expected and lost, his dreams for his future, his child’s, I deeply dreamed of his influence on my kin that had never had a strong and loving role model in their life. I wondered if he wanted to live at the beach or the bush, would he adore romantic gestures of loving Pecks on the cheek whilst visitor watched. I wondered if his warm hand could make my mind let list in that very moment, and if the warmth of my hand could convey my heart’s feeling. I wondered what it would be like to comfort and support him, even when I didn’t sometimes agree. I wondered what it would be like to wake each day, and be with one that you promised no matter what to stay with, love, and honour for the rest of his life. Til the last breathe whichever of us took first. I wanted to see the grumpy version of that perfect man, the angry version with all his rage, and hope to be the rock that stood the test of time once he needed it. I hoped to see that perfect man irritated and tired, happy and playful, and nervous over unexpected versions of life unfolding.

I longed for soft touches and words, warm embraces that soothed any worry. I longed for the support and feeling of safety, of one that would protect me with all his life. I longed for trust to reveal his darkest secrets and desires knowing he was safe in my arms.

And somewhere, the shock of disbelief made me drown in that pool, but return none the less, more confused, more broken, more defensive than before. I felt like a sharp object had pierced my heart, but somehow I still was living while I was in a pain that I could not bare. I was alone. I was tormented by the knowledge that I had been judged as shallow, money hungry and untrusting.
I was shattered that my years of my life and the everything I gave didn’t even seem to be known to exist , and I was only left with the version that I was the monster I had slowly be became.

I let out another gut wrenching scream, with my heart bleeding and my mind lost in how did I get here…

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