Love Story Gone Wrong — How to Find the Gift in Rejection (even if your heart is still broken)

I was angry, utterly confused — oh and did I mention, heartbroken?

I thought it was romance. A fairy-tale story with someone I met during darkest days of my life. Our connection spread like wild fire — it took no time at all for a long distance something-or-other to ensue. We mutually decided on the dates he should come visit. And with immense excitement, I put my entire life on hold for those 14 days we planned to spend together. The 14 days that were going to be perfect.

I had it all planned out — the restaurants, the spa days, the overnight trip to Whistler. And most importantly, the romantic conversation we would have all night long.

The red flags that warned me about him were constantly overridden with my uncanny ability to see the best in everyone. I felt drawn to him like a magnet. Why didn’t anyone else seem to understand?

When the day finally arrived, I picked him up at the airport at 10:15pm. And within minutes, something didn’t feel quite right.

I had an unsettling feeling in my gut — perhaps it was protecting me from opening my heart too soon. The voice in my head started questioning everything. The nerves I thought would diminish in his presence were in fact enhanced — forcing me to talk, and talk, and talk, to prevent the dreaded awkward silence we all know and love.

I thought to myself, he’s jet lagged and things will improve by morning. He’s nervous — that must be why he’s hiding behind his phone so much. But, when our first date was met with coldness, distance, and a clear indication that he was just not that into me, I stumbled into a dreaded state of anxiety and it was written all over my face. I took off with my yoga mat — hoping I could hide my big teardrops behind sweat.

During these moments of crippling anxiety, the insecurities I used to battle with came to haunt me once again. Cruel thoughts consumed me — telling me I should be thinner, funnier, or more established.  Horrible comments would come out of my mouth as I looked at myself in the mirror. I would re-play scenarios in my mind — wondering if I did or said something to turn him off. It was within these moments that I took all of these thoughts and made it mean that I am just not worthy of this man.

That I am not worthy of the love that I am willing to give.

That I am not enough of a woman to be accepted by the man that I desire.

That I am not lovable, that I am undeserving, and that I will be alone forever.

My emotions were holding me hostage — leading to an interaction fueled by insecurity and fear. At the time, I couldn’t see it that way. I recall wanting to run from the anguish, something I would have done in the past. This time, I was forced to face the discomfort head on. And to be honest, it was even more terrifying than I ever imagined it would be.

Because at first I didn’t know what was happening. I started seeking validation from him to make me feel better. I wanted him to disprove what I was feeling. I wanted his words of affirmation to tell me I was enough. I wanted him to tell me I was lovable. And when I didn’t receive that, rather, when he told me he was leaving early — all of my fears, beliefs and insecurities were confirmed. What was meant to be a two week trip turned into six days. What was supposed to be love, turned into disconnection, pain, and inner turmoil.

What the heck just happened?

At first, it was all his fault.  He left early, he did not communicate well and, he didn’t give even give me a real chance. I plotted revenge by thinking of all the ways I could make him jealous. After all, he’s missing out on me — it won’t take him long to come crawling back. But when I realized he wasn’t budging, and that I was masked with egoic behavior — I recognized that the only person that could help me was myself. And that the only thing I should be doing, is looking at my actions rather than his.

And so it began. The journey of self-discovery and inner healing that has entirely transformed my life. The shift of blaming others to self-responsibility. The courage to sit with my pain, fears, and insecurities without judgement. The bravery to feel difficult emotions while giving myself the space I need to release them. The ability to discard my masks and armor to show up with authenticity. And most importantly, the change in my belief systems to know without a doubt…

That I am worthy of receiving the same amount of love that I give to others.

That I am enough of a woman to know that if someone does not accept me, it has nothing to do with me.

That I am lovable and deserving of love in all areas of my life.

I am about to share how I was able to make these drastic changes in my own life. We all deserve to enjoy the unfolding of romance without anxiety. I believe that when an experience brings out the worst in us, it is often the best time for us to recognize what we need to heal. It is an opportunity to show up for ourselves, take our power back, and to prepare us for a better, more meaningful interaction next time.

Ditch the social calendar, glass of wine, and overload of treats — choose pain instead.

I know it sounds paradoxical — to take away the distractions that cover up our pain. But this is something we need to do. The things that numb us will never heal us. We will wake up the next day feeling crappy, bloated, and lonely — regardless if it helps us in the moment. When I realized that my coping strategies weren’t getting him off my mind, I took to my meditation pillow and learned how to feel pain for the first time. It didn’t take long to realize that my emotional state had little to do with him after all. That pain from previous relationships had engraved fearful belief systems that I didn’t know were still there. It takes courage to feel the hurt and allow emotion to flow through us. And it is a beautiful step toward a transformation journey — one that has the ability to create authentic and loving relationships.
Go beyond a bubble bath to practice self-love. Look at your patterns in relationships to see how they are impacting your life.

I took to counselling/coaching and braved the journey of looking at my wounds. I recognized my patterns of behavior that were no longer serving me. I also realized that I was doing nothing to honor myself at all. I wasn’t following my passion, taking care of my body, setting boundaries, or being authentic. How could I expect someone to show me love when I wasn’t showing it to myself? How could I enjoy the unfolding of romance if I thought someone else could fill a void within? I started doing things for me, like signing up for a course I had been resisting for sometime. The practice of self-love was born and the unlearning of patterns began.
Pay attention to the way you treat yourself in the midst of rejection.

I started noticing how cruel I was to myself in the face of rejection. By recognizing what I made it mean about myself when someone did not reciprocate feelings, I witnessed where I needed to grow. I was also able to find compassion for myself with the same softness I would extend to others. I let go of judgement, and of trying to understand where certain belief systems came from. And, I began the process of shifting my beliefs through conscious awareness of my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  Ongoing work for ongoing healing.
Stop blaming others and start being responsible for your actions.

I took my power back by recognizing my actions during the time we spent together. It can be easier, and less painful to blame someone for something that happened. We often give others control over our lives by saying they caused us to feel a certain way. But what if we can recognize that no one can make us feel anything — and that our role matters, too? Perhaps that yucky feeling we experience in any circumstance, is an indication that we need to look within ourselves to see what we need to heal. Rather than blaming, we should be looking at our actions to see what we could do differently next time. A noble way to ensure that our behaviors are aligned with our values. And that we are responding rather than reacting out of heightened emotion and fear.

When the universe presented me with the gift a love story gone wrong, I took the heartache, confusion, anger and self-limiting beliefs, and fueled it into becoming a better version of myself. One that is more ready than ever to open my heart to someone new. As painful, terrifying and uncomfortable as the process was, it was worth it. I am more authentic than I have ever been. I am more courageous, too. I view this encounter as the catalyst I needed to bring my not-so-pretty stuff to the surface to be healed.

Yesterday I did something I never thought that I would do. I messaged the lovely man from Australia and said thank you. Thank you for showing me what I needed to heal. Thank you for helping me become a better version of myself. And, thank you for putting up with me when I couldn’t even put up with myself. I also apologized as I vulnerably shared my truth. It was a learning experience that I will never forget as I am forever changed because of it.

Remember this: You are worthy. You are enough. And you too, can heal.

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