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Now Boarding at Gate A-24

2 Heart it! Daniel Brown 43
June 7, 2018
Daniel Brown
2 Heart it! 43

“Good morning and welcome to Feudal Airlines Flight 179, non-stop service to Los Angeles. We will soon be boarding by groups so please check your pass and remain seated until each group is called. When the aircraft is ready to board, we will ask you to form seven lines according to rank.

First we would like to welcome our Regal Class passengers. Blessings to you, our sublime monarchs. You who sit on the thrones of power and extend benevolence to their rest of us. Were it not for you, our state would descend into chaos and anarchy. May God continue to bequeath wisdom, glory, and justice upon you. Grace our humble 787 with your presence and rejoice in our wide seat cushions and personal HD entertainment systems. You alone are allowed to visit the flight cabin to advise the pilots on how best to improve their skills.

The Noble Class may now prepare to board. You gracious dukes, earls, viscounts, and barons; holders of vast and luxurious estates, we apologize for the humble quality of our accommodations and beg your indulgence. For trifling compensation, we will serve in-flight meals on gold plate generously loaned from the private collection of King Phillip II of Spain.

Next, we will seat all Clergy Class passengers. Princes of the Church, intermediaries of the Divine, we thank you for bestowing the benedictions of God upon us. As you parade into the cabin, accompanied by chants of “Hosanna” on our Dolby sound system, please note that your crimson robes and gold miters tastefully match the interior décor of the aircraft. In further gratitude, you will find that each seating compartment includes the finest of California and French chardonnays.

We are now ready to board the Knights Class. Defenders of the realm, we thank you for your service in being the bulwark against the onslaught of foreign and domestic threats. By ruthlessly smiting our enemies, you grant us the favors of peace and tranquility. Please check all armor and weaponry at the desk and receive a Valet tag. You are limited to fifty pounds per person. Swords, dirks, and daggers carried on board an aircraft is a violation of TSA and FAA regulations. We apologize for the inconvenience.

The Mercantile Class is now free to board. Although tainted by cravings for filthy lucre, the economy of the land depends on your manipulations of currency and financial regulations. Please pardon our disgust as we consider you a necessary evil to maintain class control and stability. While passing through the higher sections of the aircraft, try your best not to covet the possessions of those who occupy a higher station in life.

Next, we welcome those in the Privileged Serf Class who have paid a few miserable farthings so that they may board three minutes faster than the remainder of the horde. Although we might smirk at such gullibility, we will feign the pretense of tolerance if only to persuade you to repeat the same procedure on a future flight.

And finally, Feudal Airlines is forced by law to admit the Peasant Class; the rabble, refuse, and fragments of the kingdom. You may now line up so that we might be relieved of your foul presence. As you enter and stumble in vileness to the rear of the aircraft, let us pray that those superior to you will not be offended by the sight of such wretched faces. Touch not their seats or overhead bins lest our immaculate craft be sullied and contaminated by your loathsome imprints.

Oh, begone, begone, you uncouth leavings! Bend your rough knees in gratitude that you are even allowed this mighty privilege of flight. So curb your stench, cluster about you the sad, sodden raiments and hold close the ragged satchels of meager belongings of which you deserve not.

Because we are not without mercy, after we gain our desired altitude, our flight attendants will come back into the steerage compartment to scatter crusts of bread and flagons of water. Please do not riot for possession of these generous gifts. If perchance, you become unruly, the constables will be summoned to drag you off to spend the night in our conveniently located dungeon in Terminal C of our destination city, just past Starbucks and the Buckaroo Grill.

That concludes the boarding process for Flight 179, non-stop service to Los Angeles. Thank you again for flying Feudal Airlines. Have a nice day!”


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2 Heart it! Daniel Brown 43
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