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On Loss & Life: The death of my Father & how loss changed my life’s Paradigm.

34 Heart it! Shoa Naqvi 2.1k
November 8, 2018
Shoa Naqvi
34 Heart it! 2.1k

On loss and life.

I lost my dearest, so very dearest father in my teens, at a very young age. I’ve lived with a single mum for 11 years now. Life has been very kind. Mind you not easy but kind. It’s strange when I say this. Therefore I’ve penned down an ode to my not so easy journey. Dealing with unfathomable loss and tremendous pain and coming out not intact but victorious.

Life keeps moving even when you’re stuck in time.
People keep moving.
Things keep happening.
Your pain keeps amplifying and multiplying.
The grief hits you in many multidimensional phases.
The pain resides in the most remotest of your spaces. The spaces of your heart. The spaces of your mind. The spaces of your being.
You feel stuck and trapped and lost and gone.
You develop mental health issues. Chronic depression. Debilitating anxiety. PTSD.
Whether they’ve died right in front of you or not. PTSD. Most likely.
It all comes from a place of profound loss.
You do everything in your power to escape that resonating void. How does empty space resonate?
And with what?
Is there sound in space? No.
You wonder about science, religion, god, soul, parallel universes, Fermi’s paradox, life after death.
And at some point, deep, so deep in your despair, in other words, depression, you think about death, you contemplate suicide BUT you don’t act on it.
You suffer.
You suffer endlessly.
While people go about their businesses.
You suffer and scream, then repeat and then some more BUT you don’t want to be silenced even as you’re left incapable of experiencing emotions and putting them into expression.
Finally, you seek help.
You haven’t given up so far.
You don’t give up.
You didn’t give up.
So you seek help.
You get treatment.
All the trauma, all the unresolved issues, all the struggles, all of it, comes to the surface, it comes to the surface with such a force that you’re on the ground.
You know other people have it worse, that they go through even worse, you see them, read about them, even talk to them.
But you’re on the ground.
You get back up.
Back up.
Once more.
A hundredth time.
You get up.
And you get treatment.
You love yourself and you get treatment.
You don’t lose faith in yourself.
Despite the crippling pain. Despite the physical symptoms. The mental torture. The suffocation.
You don’t lose hope.
You don’t lose hope even as hope kept leaving you from time to time.
You hold on to yourself.
Whatever little is left of you.
And you tell yourself that there’s still a lot left.
And you love yourself.
You love others.
You keep going.
You decide to live.
So you keep going.
And life starts getting better.
Very slowly but it starts to come back to you.
And you welcome it with tears rolling down your cheeks like an ocean, a lifetime of pain and suffering when you’re still in your late 20s.
You welcome it with arms wide open, eyes closed, smiling up at the serenity of it all. And you remember all through this you not only lived but thrived.
You lived and loved and laughed and slept in peace many nights in spite of the incomprehensible pain.
And you remember how kind life has been.
You remember it all now.
Not just the pain. Not just the grief. Not just the loss.
But the love you accumulated, the relationships you made, the love you gave and equally received.
The achievements, the goals, the meaning you gave to life and the opportunity life gave you to live that meaning, to manifest it, to breathe it.
And you did.
For the most part.
Even as you were struggling to find your way, writhing in pain, you made your gains.
Pain taught you. Suffering taught you. Hopelessness and an aversion to life taught you the significance of life.
It all comes full circle.

Life.
Life has been kind.
Life is kind.

Give it a chance.

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34 Heart it! Shoa Naqvi 2.1k
34 Heart it! 2.1k

mehboobakhter11 Nov 8, 2018 12:37am

Wow! A heart wrenching piece with a story that we have been part of. In the last analysis it is a story that ends with the victory of life and hope over death and pain.
Great Shoa Naqvi

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 8, 2018 12:41am

    Thank you uncle this means so much lots of love ?

J Nov 8, 2018 11:04am

Beautiful. Keep up the amazing work Sho-a

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:32am

    Thank youuu!

ahmad.pirzada Nov 8, 2018 11:05am

Beautifully penned and so relatable! the reality is the we grieve forever and we would be whole again but we would never be the same!

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:32am

    That’s so true ! Thank you so much!

khanwajahat25 Nov 8, 2018 11:18am

Beautiful words, coming straight from heart. Loved it

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:33am

    Yes it’s veey personal as is evident. Thank you!!

katerocker_123 Nov 8, 2018 11:34am

This is so amazing. I’ve read a fair amount of your writing but it never fails to surprise me how beautifully you describe things. It’s very moving to see you put your heart out like this and do it with such style. Love you.

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:33am

    That’s so kind of you. Thank you for all the appreciation!

mentallydeceased Nov 8, 2018 12:26pm

Your words come from a place of pure love. A place to where you will always belong. Just like a street that you grew up on and now have moved away from but it will always be yours and no matter if strangers live there now or if its a barren waste, there will always be you. Holding his hand as you cross it, sitting in his lap on the curb, the rains, the thunderstorms, the conversations and everything in between.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:34am

    Thank you for leaving this comment. I can relate to every bit of what you’ve said. Thank you for understanding and appreciating!

avinashfms31 Nov 8, 2018 12:33pm

The last four lines should help out a lot of folks out there. Great piece altogether Shoa 🙂

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:35am

    I really hope they do! Thank you so much for leaving this comment!

omer-irfan Nov 8, 2018 12:49pm

You outdid yourself yet again Shoa! Wonderful way of writing, felt every bit of it. I hope that all this grief becomes your strength to reach your goals and may you find all the happiness in the world.

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:36am

    Thank you so much. I am so glad it resonated with you!

atiyaabbas Nov 9, 2018 12:10am

This is beautiful shoa!

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:36am

    Thank you love!

manalkhan7 Nov 9, 2018 6:14am

This is heart wrenching.

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:37am

    Thanks so much. So glad it moved you like that! ?

manalkhan7 Nov 9, 2018 6:15am

This has me at a loss of words.

    Shoa Naqvi May 7, 2019 8:17pm

    Hugss

ahsanhanifdj3 Nov 9, 2018 8:49am

Beautiful piece of work ❤️.

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:37am

    Thank you so much!

Ali Yasir Nov 9, 2018 1:50pm

You’re the special one amongst many just like the person you dedicated this to! And being special doesnt come from a divine being, it comes from what you become on your own and are worthy of! Its hard to defeat life and find purpose, you found it in your struggles and thats special! “You made your gains”. Undoubtedly!

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:38am

    That’s so beautifully put! Thank you for all the love and support!

raina_08 Nov 9, 2018 2:04pm

This was so beautiful and at the same time I felt all those emotions of roller coaster was written just too pricesly. Every word was just too deep! I’m going to save this piece of writing of yours just coz it reminds me of myself and my struggles with self love.

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:39am

    This means so much sweets that you’re able to relate to it on such a deep level! Thank you so much for leaving this comment! Means a lot!

nassimakhtar1989 Nov 9, 2018 10:59pm

wow, how intense is that. Love the way you have portrayed pain as your motivator and using it as a medium to be stronger. Keep writing, helps understand emotions better. Well done Shoa ?

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:40am

    Thank you! Your comment is highly appreciated!

ali_amjad1993 Nov 10, 2018 7:25am

Great job! (y) Really captures the strength of someone who’s suffered loss and defeat at a point in time, and instead of letting it take over, you found hope and love and grew from it, and learnt the value of life and the people and surroundings that make life worth living, even if so it came at an expense of a tragedy! Truly heart warming! Looking forward to more articles!

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 9:41am

    Thank you for leaving such a beautiful and thoughtful comment. Really touched me and I’m so glad you read it and hopefully took something from it! Thank you once again!

marribaloch89 Nov 10, 2018 10:42am

Wisely written the story has touched my heart

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 10, 2018 12:04pm

    Thank you so much! I’m so touched that you’re moved by it!

Ron Hesse Nov 11, 2018 3:35pm

My friend Nina shared your writing with me. Thank you so much for this. I’m in pain and know I will be always over the sudden death of my son four years ago. I’m working and sitting with and embracing the pain. Just letting it be. Oh yes treatment helped, counseling too. I just returned from a Weekthün (my first ever Shambala retreat) and learned so much. It’s the basic goodness and love that is so profoundly transformative.

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 11, 2018 6:12pm

    Hi Ron! My love I feel you I truly do, although I can never put myself in your shoes, losing a child I can only imagine and it leaves me speechless but I hear you and I feel you and just know that I am always here whenever you feel the need to talk, also pls know that no matter how dark it gets inside cause of all the grief and pain, it’s plenty of sunshine out there and you owe that yourself, all the self love, self nurturing, more than ever now. You’re very very strong and this too shall pass, one day you’ll learn to embrace this and make it a part your life in such a way that it helps you evolve into the person YOU are meant to be. You’re there and you’re loved and the absence and the void might never be filled, it can’t but you’ll learn to live with it in such a way that it brings forth the best in YOU, the beauty in you, in your being. And you’ll feel so much joy again, so much peace that all darkness will recede like ocean waves never to hit you hard enough! ???

sunair.amjad01 Nov 15, 2018 2:57pm

Wow. You wrote your heart out here. Such thoughtful approach in explaining the difficult part of life to becoming a hopeful end. Give lifeva chance. 🙂

    Shoa Naqvi Nov 15, 2018 5:13pm

    Thank you so much! Lots of love!

maharuk6.9 Nov 29, 2018 4:18am

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danialkhatri Dec 3, 2018 10:45pm

I got goosebumps after reading this. Very good read. One can only imagine what yoy went through. I hope i can be as strong as you.

wasif_hadi5 Dec 14, 2018 2:48pm

This is so beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. This feeling of loosing the most dearest cannot be explained. Keep up the good work.

waleedb_05 Dec 25, 2018 9:29am

Good write.
Keep it up.

zaggy39 Dec 28, 2018 8:19am

Goosebumps every time I read it!

mistiriouseyes Mar 21, 2019 11:49pm

Lots of love brave girl ❤️

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