Is our Curiosity Actually Killing Us?

Are the questions we ask ourselves friend or foe?

If I had to guess, I would bet every one of us, whether in real life or on television, have come in contact with a “why” kid.

You know, the ones who are either desperate to know everything, or hell-bent on driving you crazy (not always mutually exclusive).

The ones whose high pitched voices continually ring out with one of the most philosophical questions of all time: why?

At different times I have taken up both roles: truly wishing to understand why things were the way they were, and knowing that if I continued to ask, my mom’s head would explode. As a kid, it’s the question that marks “getting further.” We are either pushing the boundaries of one’s patience, or grasping how the world works. In either case, it could be seen as an attempt to bridge the gap of age or equality, for to be equal to an adult we must know and understand some of what they do.

As we age, our questions become more complicated, but they center around the basics: why, what, when, where, and who.

Why are women still paid less?

When will we have universal health care?

Where is there true peace and equality?

Who will you vote for?

Why doesn’t she love me?

What if I hadn’t spent all that money on grad-school?

What if I had a different job?

Who would I be if….

As children we are raised in a didactic world where we are encouraged and expected to answer questions. It is how our young world is set up—classrooms, tests, math equations—with grades and G.P.A. riding on our acuity to do so. As we get older, and responsibilities start stacking up, the tide wanes and before we know it we are also responsible for generating the questions. And as we ourselves grow, so do the inquiries. The solutions, however, become more evasive and harder to pin down.

Should I move there?

What if I take this job?

How many resumes should I put out?

What if I don’t have a 401k?

Will I be happy?

Questions are at the root of our existence, they influence our future and help create our past. I am not denying their importance. I am, however, curious and hesitant about the power with which we let them wield. Are our questions empowering or disempowering us? And where are we asking from? Are they designed to keep us safe and still, or push beyond where we might stop? Ultimately I wonder: where are they getting us?

Take Jack and Bill, for instance:

Jack is 26. He works at a well known tech company, lives in San Francisco, and has a beautiful apartment over looking the Bay Bridge. Jack is incredibly intelligent; he landed a six figure job right out of school and has been financially progressing ever since. On paper, Jack has it all.

But if you asked Jack, he wouldn’t agree, as he is always wondering if he did it right. Did he take the right classes? Choose the right job? Does he love the right girl? Will they be happy? Should he work out more? If he takes too much vacation will his bosses think he’s lazy? Jack wants to be happy and strives for fulfillment, but continually gets stuck at “how.” How would it work out? What would it look like? If he doesn’t know each step, how can he even start? How does one build the life they want?

Bill is 31. He has worked as an executive assistant for six years, rents a small studio in Brooklyn, and travels every chance he gets. Bill, like Jack, is constantly wondering: where should he go next? What would it feel like to jump out of an airplane? Who is the next beautiful woman he will meet? What if he took all his savings and bought a boat? What if he rents out his apartment for the month of June? What should he do with all his ideas? What’s next on the bucket list?

Unlike Jack, Bill’s questions stem from curiosity and possibility—they catapult his life to the next phase, whereas Jack’s hold him back. Jack knows he is capable of anything he chooses, but his constant inquisition leaves him paralyzed to decide. Too afraid to make the wrong choice, Jack buries himself in analysis, and lives in fear, constantly trying to get it right or figure it out. Bill lives in curiosity and wonder. In inquiring about the world around him, he builds the life he wants; Jack, on the other hand, remains captive to his questions, leaving him too scared to act or try that which he doesn’t know.

The story of these two men isn’t perfect, nor is it a representation of everyone, they simply demonstrate the way in which our line of questioning may be impacting us. Are our “whys” and “hows” in service of the lives we yearn for? Or are they building stop signs along the way?

It seems a bit like we have traded our curious “whys” for fear-full “hows.” Many of us know what we want, but instead of getting into action or taking a step forward, the looming “how” rears its ugly head and stalls us out.

The humor in all of this is that it’s total B.S. We actually don’t need to know how before trying, and yet we often convince ourselves it’s the only way. Think about when we learned to walk. We didn’t lay on the floor, slamming our wrists down, demanding to know how before we tried. We simply started pulling ourselves up on the couch one day, and then the table the next. We observed those around us, and took one crawl, then one step at a time. No one gave us a manual—we simply took a step.

My invitation to each and every one of you is: take the step. If we only did what we knew how to do, we would never do anything different. But here is the thing: people do something different or learn something new every day. Often times without knowing exactly how it’s going to go.

Don’t be fooled by the “how” question, the answer is always the same: Try. Practice is the key to how, and it takes action, trial and error, experimentation. We must reinstate our innate curiosity, that voice in our head as children that pushed us to wonder. If we weren’t trying to get it right, or perfect, and just got back to basics, our inquiries would again become tools for discovery and winning.

So, ask yourself this: are the questions in life stopping or starting you? Do they rev the engine, or put pressure on the brakes? Are they pushing us further, or pulling us back?

Ultimately I wonder: our questions—are they friend or foe? And in the end, who has the final say?

Author: Brittany Cotton
Image: Ashley Harrigan/Flickr
Editor: Emily Bartran

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Brittany Cotton is a certified badass who has the credentials to prove it. In 2016 she created Be Radical, a coaching company that galvanizes women to live the full expression of their potential—-authentically and unapologetically. Brittany doesn’t stop at co-creating with others one-on-one; her wit, pointed mind, loving heart and compassionate soul drives her to publish stories, blogs, and opinion pieces that have a way of wedging themselves into your psyche, inspiring you to take action in your own life, and the world around it. If she had it her way, everyone would see their greatness, Be Radical, and act in-spite of fear, in the pursuit of authoring lives of passion, joy, success and adventure scripted by the heart.

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