Surrender to the Storm…

Restless. Angry? Hurt. My emotions move through my heart like a large storm across the ocean. Swelling with fury and fierceness, but never quite coming to the climatic break at the end. The monstrous swell hovers at the peak of breaking, churning, moving quickly and intensely, but never collapsing back into itself or completing its cycle.  Instead it continues to grow and swirl, taking the shape of each feeling calling for illumination. Emotions so big that they aren’t ready to crash down and dissipate into tiny drops that merge again with the larger body of water, the larger part of me. I don’t know what to do with how I feel right now. There is no resolution in the moment. There is no action to take. Sometimes inaction is the action. I have done my best and spoken my truth. I cannot control anything other than my reaction. Sometimes acceptance is a bitter pill to swallow even when we know that the clarity it brings is best. It’s hard not to want to bury myself deep – my head, my heart, my intuition that whispers softly to me – cautioning me of what I don’t really want to hear. All I can offer is my truth and the response to it, or lack thereof, is out of my control. It hurts to know that my offering is just sitting silently, collecting dust and debris, discarded in some corner. Once again that voice from deep within calls to me – gently reminding me that the clarity is a gift. That rejection hurts, but it doesn’t determine my worth. It is a reflection, but not necessarily one of my own. I have learned (again and again) that people can only meet us where they are – with what they see – regardless of how clear the waters might seem to run. Ok, so where does that leave me? Lost at sea? Trapped in the chaotic thrashing of the waves of my emotions? Maybe. The potential for that is certainly there and I’ve easily spent countless hours in the proverbial spin cycle. There is also the possibility for growth, for understanding, for compassion both inward and outward. I can sit with these emotions, simply allowing them, letting them move through me again and again. I can admit the hurt even though that challenges my ego – it’s much easier to be indignant and bitter than to admit that my feelings are hurt and I am bummed out. I can let the soft, vulnerable underbelly of my soul shine its sweet light. That’s scary, but it’s so incredibly freeing. To honor my heart, and the emotions it contains, by allowing it to to be exactly as it is in this hurting and tenderness, is to be real. I finally feel a softening, a small release, I surrender.

~ Sugar

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