The Collateral Damage of Separation.

There I was. 31. Separated. A mama of 2 little girls. And for the first time in my life, on my own.

I had never imagined that I would be here. None of us do, right? To be “this” person and especially not this early on in my life.

I met him at the ripe age of 19 and fell in love. No. I jumped face first into his arms. I was an introverted, self-motivated thinker, always going after the things I wanted and feeling emotions way deeper than I would have liked to. He was 9 years my senior and easy. Blissfully, unapologetically easy. He let life roll off his back like water off a seal. His sense of humor made me laugh and his eyes made me smile. He saw me and got me. With him I suddenly felt a dark cloud lift to be replaced with hope and light. He made me want to be a better person.

And we were happy. Through marriage and babies and life cycles. So very happy for so long. Until we weren’t. Our unhappiness came more in the form of complacency and rote relations. There was a lot of talking but little communication. Somewhere along the line we simply lost each other, as I imagine so many others do, without even knowing it.

He moved out and I tried to move on with my new found, and awkward, freedom. But while my (few) single friends were out having the time of their lives, moving on — perhaps making up for lost time — I only felt… stuck. And numb. When asked what I wanted I would reply “I don’t know”. Ask me what I feel, another “I don’t know”. I had gained my independence and in the midst, lost myself. Or had I really ever known her?

These lessons are never clear in the moment. Nope. That would be too easy. You have to trudge through the mud to come out on the other side and maybe then, if you’re patient and open, will your purpose become clear. But a guide would have nice. A fairy godmother of sorts to help you along your way. So I’ve compiled a list of a few things I’ve learned along the way with hope that my experience may help others in similar situations.

No one gets it. And that’s ok. Don’t expect them to, you will only be disappointed.

They say they understand. They nod at you with sympathetic eyes and knowing looks as if to say, “I get it. I understand your pain.” But they don’t. Realistically, unless they’ve been through the same thing, they can’t even imagine it and you wouldn’t want them to. You wouldn’t want anyone to feel this level of pain and loss. The trick is learning to be alone in some feelings, and at the same time, not allowing this piece to isolate you.

I remember at one point having to consciously eliminate all expectation that the pain in the pit of my stomach would be understood. And in turn, that an understanding in and of itself would actually make a difference. At the time, I just wanted someone to “get it”. To be heard. But no matter how many ways I explained it, with various intense adjectives, it wasn’t the same as firsthand experience. And because of that, I found myself avoiding social gatherings and conversations which in turn, became very isolating. However, through it all, my friends (and I’m blessed with some rockin’ girlfriends) never left my side. They were always there and although they couldn’t grasp the exact emotions, they understood meand exactly what I needed. In opening myself back up to my loved ones, I began to heal.

There will always be collateral damage. Minimize it where you can.

I think the most affected party, other than thy self, is the children. And for a parent, there is nothing worse than not being able to take away your child’s pain. That is long path that will be a work in progress and to minimize damage, your kiddos need to see that youare strong, independent, and worth it. As for others, although it’s challenging at times to step outside of the bubble of your experience to understand theirs as well, I have found that compassion nearly always wins.

There were many times I felt angry that I was expected to help other people survive through myseparation. If anything in my life was solely about me, wouldn’t this be it? My first thought was admittedly egocentric – it’s my relationship and my life, why should anyone else matter? But they do. Perhaps letting others in to walk this path by your side will allow the healing process to move along. By looking at a situation through the lens of their experience, you may be provided a different and useful perspective. One from which you can grow.

Replacement – the silent killer.

Take the loss of a spouse, feelings of failure from your recently ended marriage, the heartbreak of possible children, and the many other painful pieces, and add in a new girlfriend or boyfriend to your ex’s life. Wowza. The perfect storm. In my experience, this was one of the most difficult mountains to climb. Regardless of the person they choose, seeing someone else begin to occupy your place in your ex-family’s life, in the photographs and posts that you once were tagged in, in your children’s “every-other-weekend”, just plain sucks.

My first thoughts were how easily he appeared to turn my “switch” off and hers on. The 13 years I had spent with this person suddenly disintegrated into dust and seemingly meant nothing to him. And in the beginning, there wasn’t much that could assuage the pain. I felt responsible. I had made these changes and therefore, now she exists. But “she” was not about me, that was the lesson here. And the work I had to do was just beginning. Instead of focusing on the negative, I prayed for truth.

Being replaced hurts on a different level entirely. No matter the circumstance, it brings about questions of self-worth and truth. But you must try to remind yourself that your time is no longer. As Jana Kramer sings, “I got the first kiss, she’ll get the last; She’s got the future, I got the past.” It will sting for a while (and for some more than others), but eventually, a new “normal” develops. If you’re open to it. Try not to get sucked into the rosy retrospection of your past.

Time is of the essence – in all senses. Honor it.

It is important to be thoughtful when making decisions, of course. But also, don’t get stuckin time.  For it will continue to move and we either move with it, and everyone else, or get left behind. Employ whatever tools and resources you have to assist the fluidity of your progress. Whether that be therapy, meditation, finding new hobbies, spending time with friends and loved ones, volunteer work and acts of service, or starting a new project. Sitting in one place too long can swiftly turn into proverbial quicksand.

My awareness of time is now crystal clear. However, it wasn’t always. I found myself constantly living in the past or future, never being present. I didn’t know how to. It was always a review of mistakes or plan of what’s to come. If I could gift my somewhat younger self advice to have made this process easier, and possibly different, it would be with the enlightenment of time.

The gift of awareness. A gift that keeps on giving.

 In times of strife it’s easy to lose sight of our surroundings as we can feel akin to drowning in the reality around us. However, it is vital to maintain awareness, for without it, growth is impossible. Open your eyes, mind, and heart to the changing world around you. Start to notice details that perhaps were lost before. Get present and light up your senses. Savor the first sip of coffee, feel the earth beneath your feet and the sun on your face. After all, nothing heals like a little Vitamin D!

My saving grace was getting really comfortable in the uncomfortable. Becoming vulnerable — growing into and through it. I had to allow the unknown to take up residence in my life, welcoming it with open arms instead of stowing it away in an attic, which was really hard for a Type A planner like myself! In a sense, once we force ourselves to clear the cobwebs and dust, the light can shine through. After all, even on the darkest days, it exists.

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