The Good Mother.

The “good” mother never gets angry. She calmly states what she wants and manages to maintain her cool, no matter what.
The “good” mother has all the right answers at all times, even if those questions have baffled parents and philosophers alike for centuries.
The “good” mother can foresee when her child might be in danger, has her finger on the pulse of any trouble brewing, and easily and convincingly circumvents any problems.
The “good” mother strikes the balance between pushing her child (you know, developing grit) and soothing her child. She does this every time, ease and grace by her side.
The “good” mother has boundless patience, endless energy, and a perfectly pleasing disposition.
Her house, immaculate.
And her legs are always shaved.

Ahem. That’s not a “Good” mother. That’s a Perfect Mother. And That doesn’t exist.

In this era of hidden truths coming to light, let’s add to the chopping block the “Good” Mother. Built on fantasy, she harbors a specific kind of destruction. It’s one that traps us in an emotional straightjacket and blames us for just being human. It encourages us to think we’re failing at this mom thing, even though the truth is that we’re doing more than a decent job.

A legit mom is far more real. Legit mom kisses scraped knees or comforts hurt feelings, and has moments of freaking out and yelling at the kids. Legit mom holds her child’s hair back when she is throwing up in the middle of the night, but sometimes says the wrong thing. Legit mom makes thousands of meals every year, and still can still be driven to distraction. Legit mom spends countless hours driving her kids to various activities, worries about them on a regular basis, and also spaces out when they’re explaining every detail of their entire day. Legit mom knows that just cause she can do anything, doesn’t mean she won’t feel the thorns of guilt when she doesn’t do everything.

 Legit mom doesn’t have it all figured out, doesn’t have all the answers or even all the right questions. She makes mistakes. She has doubts, worries, and pain. Legit mom gives herself enough bandwidth to actually feel the impatience, the anxiety, the anger, and still picks up the pieces so that she learns, grows, and tries again. She gets more and more comfortable with the paradox of being loving and caring alongside feeling the ridiculously challenging feelings. In other words, she gives herself space to feel whole.

Legit mom has enough fearlessness in her to let her children falter–and even fall–knowing that they too are resilient. Legit mom welcomes her kids’ expression of their own individual fingerprint, but recognizes that relaxing with their self-expression can be daunting at times, to say the least.

Legit mom finds a way to forgive herself, her children and her family for being less than “perfect.” For she knows that it is precisely in those flawed places that the most vibrant pulsations of life live out their days. The light only shines through the cracks, to paraphrase Leonard Cohen. Legit mom knows that staying in touch with the deeper reality of the stuck and the irritated will offer more breathing room for the love, the energy, and the joy. She gives herself the courage to recognize her vulnerabilities and from there, writes her own story of keeping it real.

Give me a legit mother any day, cause that’s the one I’d like to see my daughters eventually grow into. Legitimoms.

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