the Infidelity Conundrum for the Single Person.

“It isn’t cheating if I’m single”
If ever a statement of non-culpability was uttered, it is this one. The complete abrogation of responsibility and dumping all grounds for recrimination on the otherwise attached party. If one has knowledge that the other party has a significant other, then isn’t the responsibility anything that ensues shared?

You may not run the risk of being faced with the damage inflicted on a perhaps otherwise stable and contented relationship if a partner is made aware of the cheating, but what damage does your moral compass sustain I wonder, and is it irreversible?

Oxytocin seems to play part in the grand deception, as do the two dangerous seducers of the hormone world; Dopamine and Seratonin (wouldn’t they make great names for hedonistic Archangels of temptation?!).  Cloaking an infidelity in blame of any type, even one which effectively abrogates a party from any responsibility due to chemistry seems to be almost exactly the same as any other addictive reasoning.  The inability to say “no” to this, that or the other is classic addicts excuse and can be a useful device if perhaps the exercise of that ability is to deny oneself something that one feels one needs. We all need love.

So, is it worth it? Can the feeling an encounter engenders be quantified and therefore justified?  It’s all about the chemistry.

Soon after the first flush of pleasure the hormones vie for attention.  Seratonin and Dopamine are feeling downright smug and contented with themselves whilst gentle, caring Oxytocin waits to join them with a sense of relief.  All too present emotions; Guilt and Shame aren’t quite allowed in to play at this precise moment. Got to enjoy the moment!     Dopamine, being a fickle and greedy little hormone quickly adopts the “ Either I get more of this right now, or I’m off!”, stance and offers Guilt her seat.  Guilt tries not to be pushy but lets face it, she’s stepping into position anyhow. Seratonin is busy working away with Justification to excuse the transgression.  They’re a creative pair: The Spin Doctors of the infidelity world: “ I got carried away with the moment”, “ I completely forgot that i have someone back home” ( nope cant claim amnesia without a massive whack to the head, quick hit me with a brick,..hard!),  “You just blew my mind”, “ my dog has a sore paw and I’m just so worried about him, I completely forgot everything else”.. and a myriad of others which we may all either have heard or used before.  Was it worth it? Well right now, Hell yeah!

A day or so later certain chemicals are draining away and Doubt and Insecurity join the party with a warning to all that Shame has heard about the “do” and is on her way! No-one likes her. Dopamine has (quite literally) buzzed off entirely and Guilt is currently sitting in her seat, knitting a hair-vest! Seratonin is busy with Justification cooking up campaign slogans and Oxytocin is feeling rather left out.  She sits like a wallflower wondering if all her efforts were in vain and trying to tell herself that “Love is never in vain!” “All we need is love”, “Love is all around us” etc etc.  She’s forgetting “Love is the drug”, she doesn’t like Rory Music.   She goes over every minute detail of the event to find herself: … “The instant lightning bolt that forced us together was palpable within seconds of meeting. (❤) I fell in love. (❤), I think he did too (❤).  We told each other everything, I mean everything! All our darkest secrets! ( was that ❤, or just stupidity?.. Lets go with ❤…)…………..”

There was a recent event that i have drawn on for this and since then i have carefully monitored and processed my emotions.  The conundrum of infidelity is that it makes us secretive to all parties, including ourselves and it has felt odd to be so unconditional in my acceptance of myself as imperfect in this scenario.  If the recent meeting had happened when we had both been single there is little doubt in my mind that we would have said, “Ok. Let’s go, This’ll be great!” . Both articulate, attractive people, both confident and with an inbuilt vision and implicit complete acceptance and understanding of ourselves and each other. It could indeed have been Oxytocin’s turn for spin on the dance floor. What could possibly go wrong ?

As a humanist everything screamed at me to walk away immediately and to not pursue this. As a human being, i decided that to deny either of us this encounter was to “lose out” again. A waste of a moment in an already too short existence which had been defined for me by a big loss nearly 5 years ago.  A moment to lock away or celebrate as an awakening. It was neither in reality.
Right now I’m in the grip of a “mini-loss”, wondering if i will ever see him again. Wondering if he slid back into his life without so much as thought of me. Wondering also, if the state of Loss and Grief had become such a way of being for me in the past that to have this little reminder is actually a comfort for me? Now that’s something that didn’t occur to me before! I didn’t see them on the guest list! Did I set myself up for pain so that i could feel it again? Hurt and Abandonment can be attentive friends, but Oh boy, can they outstay their welcome!! So there’s something here about emotional self-injury. Hurt and Abandonment have a nasty friend who’s part of their gang; Shame! Now, she is a really loathsome character whose arrogance and self-righteous BS, makes fools of everyone. Hurt and Abandonment need to wise up and realise she’s in it for herself!

But on the plus side, and there is a real plus side; There is a warm fuzzy afterglow. Colours are brighter, sounds are sweeter and there is a memory of a strong bonding that invited the gentle, caring Oxytocin to get her best dress out of the closet and try it on for size.   There is such a palpable sense of enhancement and a warm feeling of love for a man who passed through my life, moving through my world in transit. He has become imprinted.  This now feels like taking joint responsibility for the infidelity and its Ok actually.

Am i accepting that to allow the connection to continue at least in my head, is to be still indulging in the theft of someone else’s partner? Other authors have talked about the infidelity occurring as soon as it crosses your mind. Is this an infidelity for the unattached party too if they know that the person they are attracted to is attached? Does it indeed take two to tango? If as the saying goes: “ It doesn’t hurt to look”! Or “The time to worry is when i dont think about another attractive person from time to time!” Why is it that we dont automatically add “ Wow look at that drop dead gorgeous guy (woman) over there!” Or “Sorry , i was lost in thought about about someone else, darling, What did you say again?” .
We both acted on our instincts and took it way further than he at least had intended on first flirt. I told him up front on our text exchange later that first day, what my first thoughts had been, so he was left in no doubt and he reciprocated accordingly. He sent the first text, not me.

We talked and got to know each other, we were brave with our feelings and the honesty with which we expressed them.  I protected him from Guilt and myself from Abandonment by trivialising my feelings in the moment.  I was “gracious”, according to him.  It wasn’t grace, it was emotional sunscreen!  I wanted to say, “please don’t go. Stay and let’s do this. Stay and love me”.  I said none of these things so as not to actively invite Guilt to join us.  I knew she’d be waiting for him pretty instantly we parted.  I do feel the loss of something that i knew was real and yes I feel both complicit and equally responsible for the cheating. Guilty? Still no. Guilt is negative and non productive and to experience love, however fleeting, however hard won, even for a few hours was not a negative experience and yes, we loved and yes, in all probability, lost.  Hurt and Abandonment found their way in to the party after all.
I remember what they were like now but to feel again is to allow love back in. The single persons’ responsibility is to be faithful to themselves first. Fidelity is so much more than just keeping your jeans on. It is a state of trueness to ones own psyche and feelings in all their complexities. We should all dare to love given the chance, we just need to make sure that the twin Archangels; Dopamine and Seratonin aren’t governing the exchange.

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