The Space Between

I find myself in constant battle between what feels like it should flow straight from me on to paper and being actively present in my day-to-day life. This pertains to both my innate need to write and create as well as my responsibilities at work and creating the income to do these things.

I know deep down inside that I am a writer. I am constantly working on overcoming the fear-factor but it seems like I’m not doing enough. I’m stuck in my own way of creating- always wondering wether I have anything to say of value. And even though I know that doesn’t matter, that I just need to write and in doing so it will work itself out, I don’t know how to get around it. My favorite writers are those that I can relate with and who I feel speak authentically. You would think that would be enough to get me going. I want to be a writer of works that I would want to read- seems simple enough, yet here were are.

I pride myself on living intentionally and collecting the stories in my life that I’m excited to share. I have hopes that I can motivate at least one other human to also live intentionally. But I battle between being wholly present for those experiences or writing as soon as I feel motivated to. Writing in that moment seems to me to be in conflict of being present. On the other hand, writing about those experiences after the moment has left seems inauthentic. How can I possibly recreate the magic that I felt at that moment and convey it in a real way? Am I the only one who struggles with this?

I just returned home from a  two-week vacation in Europe. One of my favorite experiences on that trip was at a beach in Amsterdam. The sand was near white and felt like silk. The weather was perfect with a just-warm-enough sun and a dreamy cool breeze. I sat there with my wife and cousins and recognized that I was amidst magic- right then, right there. We all had worked so hard to get there between our daily obligations and curveballs life has thrown us. But in that moment the magic washed it all away and we were present and genuinely happy. I was overwhelmed with peace and joy so much so that I was all of a sudden in tears. SO MANY TEARS. I watched the waves wash over each other, I listened to our laughter and looked over at my wife who was looking back at me with sparkles in her eyes. Without words she knew just what I was feeling and thinking. We were there, we were present and it was perfect. I knew I needed to write.

I took my journal out and began to scribble some stuff down. It was near impossible. I didn’t want to look away from ocean or tear my attention away from the glowing souls that surrounded me. But I was inspired and I knew I needed to. I got about 3 sentences out before giving into the magic. I made the decision to be present and enjoy the moment as I knew it would be fleeting. But I also felt guilt because I knew that not writing then was a disservice to myself. What was I supposed to do?

For the past month or so I have come to terms with the fact that I am not happy working a job that makes the money to have those experiences. In fact, I hate my job and the fact that it takes up 40 hours a week that I could be using to do something that fulfills me. 40 hours a week that I could be putting towards my craft.

Like many of you, in 4th grade I read The Diary of Anne Frank. Ever since then I knew I wanted to be a writer but it has never been something that I have pursued in any way. In 4th grade I think it was the “Anne” thing and the fact that she was so relatable. At that time I started keeping a journal and always have ever sense. But I have never allowed it to motivate me towards an income generating opportunity. I think part of it was knowing that my writing was for me and I didn’t want to lose that. I think that maybe the other part of it was/is fear.

So now, here I am in my mid-thirties still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and how to make that happen. I have a collection of books, podcasts and people who I lean on to help guide me through the negative self-talk and am a daily work in progress. This, today, was my first step at just “doing it”. We will see where this goes.

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