The Voice of Silence.

Silence can be a boon and a bane. A cure and a curse. I have experienced silence in the most tormenting forms until I fully embraced it. What I discovered was, that silence comes in layers, like peeling off an onion. And it makes you cry. But the calmness that comes after the release is soul cleansing. It gives you a different perspective. Always. Here’s my journey with silence.

The Silent Treatment – A Bane
Ever been subjected to the Silent Treatment? I have been. And when I asked why, the answer I received was more silence. This kind of silence leaves a person in a dark space of blankness. We are left to seek answers and drown in the deafness of our own screams. It crushes the very core of our being. It makes one question their worth in the life of those who treat them that way, specially if such a behavior comes from a loved one.

It made me feel like I had been left out in the cold, like the years we shared together meant nothing at all. It left me vulnerable, not in a way I would want to express my vulnerability.

Its certainly a deep dark process to accept this misbehavior and move on. Ironically, we have to find the cure ourselves. We can’t confront the issue or talk about it, or prove that this is something we faced. There are no scars visible and we are left to tend to the seething invisible wounds ourselves.

Silence – The Boon
After receiving the silent treatment, I tried to find the silence within. I know, it sounds very profound – finding silence within. But its the most dark, edgy and chaotic place to be. My non-stop chattering mind was seeking desperate answers.  I was lost in a loop of thoughts. Why Me? Why am I being given the silent treatment? Why is the other person not open for a dialogue? Have I done something to upset them? Why is the person ostracizing me? Why are they pretending that everything is fine? Why cant the people I am surrounded with,  see that something is bothering me?

I felt unloved, unheard and unworthy. But when I silenced the voice in my head, I could hear the silence of my heart.  The sound of that silence was different. It came like low waves that would prevent me from crashing. It was teaching me self love, positive self- talk and self worth. But the questions remained. I was still looking at the horizon, glassy eyed, searching for answers.

When I did not receive any answers, I decided to change the questions. Perhaps that’s what my lesson was meant to be. And that’s where the metamorphosis started.

So, instead of asking ‘Why am I being given the silent treatment’ I asked –  ‘Why am I still holding on to this particular person or situation’

Instead of asking ‘Why is the other person not open to dialogue, I asked – ‘what’s stopping me from having an internal dialogue with myself’

I can’t expect others to give me answers if they are not a reliable and consistent source to provide me the love and care I truly deserve.

Did I receive answers? For now, I choose to remain silent. Not because I’m ghosting someone, because its only now that silence is becoming my ally and it will give me answers. Eventually.

I only have to listen close enough. Riding with the waves of silence. Finding stillness within.

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