The Wounded Healer in Leo

I grew up with a mother who raised me and with siblings who phased me.  My mother is a perfectionist and taught me how to limit my beliefs to better structure my reality.  Do I blame the woman who gave birth to me?  No, I blame it on my Chiron in Leo.  I blame myself.  I use my strength to hold in guilt and shame because I never have lived my authentic self.  Maybe for a few days, on and off a few years but never fully embraced my talents and wisdoms — so what do you expect from someone like that …  Fear and excuses.  My inner self is super dark and possessive.  I would like to release that which does not serve my true purpose.  Having a Chiron in Leo means that while I was being brought up to a certain standard I was keeping all my gifts and passions hidden/locked away.  You see, given the circumstances, I was under a load of karma from both my parents.  They both managed to piss off a lot people throughout their lives and because of that their children had to suffer backlash.  My parents are very awake and extremely undercover about it.  They grew up with strict Roman Catholic parents.  But aside from the backlash I received growing up, from being molested, sexually abused, physically and emotionally abused and all the other sob stories I remained happy … undercover.  I didn’t want anyone to see, especially my family, how happy I was deep inside.  This was a psychic gift I developed over the years but eventually stopped acknowledging it once I reached my teens.
What made me change was the concept of life that I had consumed.  This concept is called Blogger and YouTube.  I started vlogging and blogging my poetry and music and personality over the internet.  This became my secret life.  My Chiron in Leo loved this concept so much because it involved me doing what I love but not actually showing it to anyone.  So if you stubbled upon my videos or blog entries, that’s on you!  I didn’t have to promote myself or obsess over content like we are used to doing today.  The internet was a community.  It was not a tool.  Unless you were an Ebay user.  And me being barely a teen and with a very strict background I felt that I had another life where I could be whoever I wanted to be and if anyone made irrelevant comments or tried to harass me I could simply block them or delete.  The ability for me to be myself online was a secret and once I started working and developing a social life I soon realized Youtube and blog websites were becoming a thing — I completely shut down again and not only deleted most of the vlogs I had created but even deleted some blog accounts.  The Chiron in Leo negative aspects in my chart were phasing me hard and it would eventually take me to where I am today, alone, in my apartment, on the Hudson River coast.  I’m definitely in between two very different worlds.  One about hard work and no drama while the other is about being seen for what you have from all the drama.  I’m mainly scared of failure and having to go back to sleepless nights and destroying my guitars in the corner of my bedroom basement.  I do not want to go back there.  Back there where I’m constantly hiding from the real world that could be mine.  I don’t know where this life is going to take me but like I stated before, I have the tendency to feel happiness when all else fails.  My Saturn return is in a few years and I just have no more excuses.  I’m not healing myself every day, I’m not praying for everyone’s lives to be better, I’m not singing my heart out to the public and I most certainly am not showing love to myself more than half of the time.  Does this make me wrong?  Does this make me less woke?  Does it mean anything if someone is wrong and less woke?  Maybe that’s a entry I should ramble on a different day but today I want to acknowledge all my wounds and use my own voice to clear my message to the community.  My message:

Yes you can and you will be and that’s all you need to know my fair and kind, generous heart of mine.  There are a lot of sick people who want you to feel their wounds just as you have wanted someone’s hand on your chest.  You are no different than any lost soul hidden and smothered beneath the train tracks so go out and just be.  Just be with no apologies.

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