Where are you?

How does this happen? How can you be perfectly yourself one minute and have no god forsaken clue who you are the next? How do you spend 35 years growing, maturing, living, loving and being to have it all taken from you by two pink lines? Is this real life? Tell me I’m not alone? Please…

I’ll never forget the moment I found out. I was only a day late, or was I? Did I really track my period that well? Who knew, so I settled on a quick, cheap home test and started plucking my eyebrows. Two minutes seems like an eternity when you’re awaiting the fate of your 35 year old future. Results, nada. I had nothing. In the trash the test went. 

An hour and 2 cups of coffee later, I’m in the bathroom (thank you coffee) and I look in the trash can. You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me. What the hell is that line? Is it pink? Are there two? Please tell me this isn’t real. My reaction was, “holy shit”. My boyfriend asked if I was ok and I said no and burst into tears. I didn’t know what else to do at that point. 

My relationship was 3 months new. This doesn’t happen to people like me. It doesn’t happen to women who are told they have PCOS and will never carry a baby of their own. It can’t be right. It must be a mistake. Deep down I knew it wasn’t. I think I’d known for days now. Things were different. Somehow I just knew. 

My man handled it well. He hugged me and assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere. I needed that in that moment and it made a huge difference on how I viewed our new situation. Nothing fast tracks a relationship quite like the 2 pink lines. Our friends and family were ecstatic. I always wanted to be a mother, but had given up on that dream after the PCOS diagnosis. Yet here I was legit pregnant, unmarried and old. 

Something funny happened to me the first time my doc said “advanced maternal age”. I mean really? I’m 35 not 50…simmer down. Nonetheless, I did what they said. I took all the vitamins, went to all of my appointments and took all the tests they mentioned. I was a model frigging patient but I was slowly dying inside. 

It saddens me to even admit that I felt and still feel this way. I have a miracle of a baby growing inside of me and I feel like I’m dying. I don’t know where I went or who I am anymore. I cry at the drop of a dime, I haven’t slept well in months, my body aches in areas that I didn’t know existed, I’m hormonal and if I’m being totally honest I’m miserable. I can’t get past my swollen feet, mood swings and ever growing stomach. I mean how in the world does skin stretch this much?

My child kicks me at all hours of the day and night. She thinks that she’s an Olympic gymnast and I’m her parallel bars. Some days she doesn’t stop moving and that makes me wonder if she’s ok. Other days, she barely moves and I wonder what I’ve done wrong. It’s this constant questioning and wondering. To top it all off, this advanced maternal aged mama, is 35 weeks pregnant with a breach baby girl. 

I feel like I’ve done everything I know to do to feel better about this. I exercise regularly, eat relatively healthy, read uplifting books, have a solid support system, talk when I’m sad, cry when I’m mad and journal. I spend hours in the doctors office and see my chiropractor weekly. I’m not kidding when I say I’m giving it my all and it isn’t good enough. 

I don’t know who I am anymore. I forgot what it feels like to be without child. I don’t know who I will become either. I’m ready, but I’m not. I want my body back, I want normalcy and I want myself back. Will I ever be Susie again? Does life ever go back to the way it is supposed to be? Why do I feel like postpartum depression is happening to me while my baby is still cooking? This can’t be normal. It’ll pass. This too shall pass, right? 

What if I hate motherhood? What if I’m not good at it? What if I hate who I become and I can’t shake the negative feelings that are flooding my mind? What if I meet her and fall in love? What if I experience a love so deep that I can’t put it into words? What if being her mom is exactly what has been missing in my life? What if how I’m feeling is completely normal and truly does pass? 

As women, we are raised to adapt and overcome and to Never admit weakness, sadness or struggle. I challenge you to keep it real. For the love of all things holy and my swollen feet, keep it real. Be honest with yourself, your doctor and others when you feel less than stellar. I’m not a bad wife, mother or woman because I feel like I’ve lost myself in this pregnancy. Not all women love being pregnant and that’s ok. That’s my reality and it’s ok because I’ve had to come to terms with it. I have zero idea how I’ll feel when I hold my child in my arms. 

I do know that I will love her like the miracle she is and be oh so grateful that I have been given an opportunity to raise and love her. This is an experience denied to many and I refuse to take it lightly. I mean it’s quite possible that I’m having to lose myself, so that she can find herself. If that’s the case, I’d do this again everyday for the rest of her life. 

Your mama isn’t perfect, baby girl, but my god does she love you. 

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