Yes, He’s Gonna Kidnap my Dog, But Kind of Slowly…

I’m facing impermanence today__And I’m mad about it.

It feels a bit like having a Rumpelstiltskin-type character running around inside.  And he’s throwing a tantrum. Impermanence (blanking) Sucks! Pun (blanking)  intended! he screams and stomps furiously through my thoughts. 

And coming to terms with this impermanence  feels like a particularly bad category of suck for me lately as I’m grappling with the impermanence of the life of my sweet, old dog.

Shystie is one of those rad old mutts__ red, a desert dingo, a mystic dog with wise eyes and sharp teeth. She’s both sensitive and reserved,  my ever- graceful protectress.

On our walk this morning her two back legs gave out completely and she went slip-sliding away down a mountainside.  I went scrambling behind her, yelling helplessly. And those are the exact words I would use to describe the way I feel about her impending decline:  scrambling, screaming, and helpless.

Most days I avoid thinking about it.  Others, I attempt to take the lesson of impermanence with at least some semblance of  grace and dignity. That’s how she would do it. Yes, she slid down the hill in a lot of fear and pain, but she quickly moved on to bigger things__things like lizard hunting and languidly lounging around on the warm, summer ground.  I obviously have not moved on so gracefully.

At least I can apprehend now when the lesson arrives.  It’s always the same feeling : kung-pow helplessness.

I feel like I’m spending my day with a depressed villain — Yes, he’s gonna kidnap my dog, but he’s gonna do it kind of slowly.

Let’s name him. I mean, why not? I think I shall  call him, Monsieur Impermanente. Yes, he’s a depressed French Villain. Even more morose.   

He’s  with me as I visit the vet for more pain meds. He’s with me as I scan the pet store aisle  looking for a particular brand of -joint treat my pet savvy friend recommends. And he was certainly  there with me in full-force as as my sweet buddy careened out-of-control down the side of the mountain this morning.

What’s dawning on me is this: I want a magic bullet.  

I want every magic bullet there is in the universe that could  help my dog not feel pain and suffering. I know I’m ranting and rolling. I know that’s my own inner-thrashing won’t do anything to help the situation. And I  know acceptance is what is needed.

But damn it’s hard to watch the ones we love suffer.  And I think it’s okay to acknowledge this too.

So, I’m resolving to re-up on my commitment to taking it one minute at a time. Here’s  to appreciating and savoring the sweet moments we have together.

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