You say dream, I say danger.

They say dreams are good. Dream big. Achieve your dreams. Live your dreams. Walt Disney said “if you can dream it, you can do it”. But can dreams be dangerous? Oh my, yes they can. They steal you away from reality, from where you need to be. Here. Now. They mislead you and fill you with fantasy. They take you into a future that may be both unrealistic and unfulfilled. And then what? Despair, disappointment, distraction, depression, the dashing of dreams and hope. You see dream; I see danger. I see foolishness cloaked in hope. A dream is a wolf cloaked in sheep’s clothing.

You may think I am an embittered carrier of disembowelled dreams. Nope, not I. Perhaps because I have no particular passions or ambitions. I’ve never strived to be held on high or climb any ladders. I don’t seek fame or fortune. There is no perch to knock me off or aspirational balloon to pop.

The fuel for this fire comes from a very different place. I am in an impossible situation and something has to give. That something is a grand love. I have to let one love go in order to remain committed to another. This is no affair but it is a flight of fantasy. I love and care about my husband but am deeply in love with an old friend. A man who wanders this earth alone and loves me from afar. Our now is worlds apart. He a free spirit of the universe; I am a free spirit mother of two and wife of one. Our future is unlikely and impossible to predict.

And yet despite this very clear and rational understanding I continue to dream. I think about not hurting my husband despite loving a little fraudulently in the face of hope. I think about my two amazing littles living a well-adjusted, safe and happy youth with home, laughter and parents being their constant. I think about reconnecting with my husband and falling back in love, if only for the sake of the kids. But I dream about a future with and of grand love. An unhelpful, hindering, heart breaking dream. A beautiful beautiful beautiful wolf cloaked in sheep’s clothing.

I look around me now and I wonder, how many of us run with wolves? Our hearts are on the prairie while our feet are cemented in reality. Such a dangerous game and no way to live. Something has to give. I don’t suggest relinquishing aspirations and future ideals. If they’re tangible, set goals, make a plan, work hard, don’t get distracted, don’t listen to the naysayers, go get ‘em. But the dreams that are fluff and fantasy, kindly and gently place them in a box and pop a label on it. Dreams. Unhelpful dreams. This doesn’t mean you’re letting them go. It doesn’t mean this will break your heart. It doesn’t mean they’ll never be realised. It just means you no longer let them invade or impact what is real, what matters right now. Like my husband and my children.

I have promised myself that, somehow, I will pack my grand love away into a soft warm box. I will forever carry this box in a small quiet place in my heart. And, if I can learn to bear the pain and the longing, it will be ok. It may open one day, it may not. I will learn that is ok too. And in the meantime, I will take baby steps and I will embrace and be grateful for the now. Dreamless but present.

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