What Women Want: 10 Secrets every Husband or Lover needs to Know.

Via on Feb 12, 2010

lovers

Gentlemen: give the gift of you to your lady! Show up in full presence and devotion.

A preface for the ladies:

Feel like you want your guy to know a few things about you? Like maybe what you want, and how you feel? If those things aren’t covered in this article, I invite you to write your own note to the man you love, and tell him about ten desires, dreams, wants, needs, or fantasies that make the top of your list. It may serve as the beginning of an amazing, deepening, or even super-hot conversation..! Or, add those desires in comments below.

However, if this list rings true for you, please share it with your man. I hope it brings you both to a place of pleasure— and deeper understanding.

Hey guys: I know you sometimes feel mystified by what is expected of, or desired from, you. Here’s ten secret desires your lover hasn’t told you about.

And it’s not like I can clear all that up in a few simple words. Hell, we’ve been working on this one since the dawn of man (and woman).

But I’m also pretty sure we’re starting to get somewhere with all this. Men and women have never before had quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating. A new way, based on some pretty old truths, mixed with some brand-spankin’-new ideas.

I may be a dreamer, but I say there’s a chance that we can get past the wounding that you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.

Here are a few steps to start you on your journey down that sometimes challenging, yet always rewarding, path. Pretend I’m your lady, and I’m talking to you.

Ready? Here are ten secret desires that may change your life forever.

Secret Desire # 1: Focus, or Presence:

Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Let the world fall away around us, and let me be your whole world.

This state of grace will usually only last a moment, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that often gets low; the one you want to drink from! Take the time, and let’s let the levels rise together.

This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven’t seen each other all day. Or, before we part ways in the morning. Or, first thing upon waking. Or last thing before we fall asleep. Or, all of the above.

Secret Desire # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention:

When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen, and cared for. In or out of bed. When you notice that I’ve changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU.

When you notice how I like my coffee, and prepare it for me without even thinking twice, I feel worshipped.

When you figure out that I don’t like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood. Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it all out on your own; after all, that’s what noticing is about.

Take the time and attention to notice me. I’ll do the same for you, and let’s see what happens!

Secret Desire # 3: Showing me Gratitude:

When you show me that you’re thankful that I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you’re grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, i feel nourished.

When you tell me you’re proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed. And as transgressive as it might be for a “feminist” to say, I love it when you claim me.

When you tell me you’re grateful that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched, and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the husband lottery!

Remember to say thank you for the small things; those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it. If I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. And if you do the laundry, you know I’ll be thanking you.

Secret Desire # 4: Confidence:

Don’t second guess yourself. When I say I want you to take control, that’s what I mean.

And, don’t second guess me! When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that’s really what I want. When you don’t believe me, I’m likely to get annoyed, especially on this touchy topic.

I know it’s a wound we’re working our way through as a culture. Ten years ago, women weren’t supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it.

Well, the time they are a changing – again!

Even as a woman who can still handle it all – if I have to! – I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes, I don’t want to have to say it at all. I just want you to step up, and take the wheel.

Secret Desire # 5: Vulnerability:

This is not the opposite of confidence, as some men assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence. And, it makes me want to support you, take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, “oh, wow, he trusts me!” way.

Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you’re willing to get vulnerable with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you. And you never know to what fantastic places that could lead.

Trust that I can support you in those moments when you need to be held, listened to, or even just vent. Trust that I’ll still be here when you’re through it. And as you trust more, so will I.

Secret Desire # 6: Honesty and Transparency:

Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled.

And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same. You never know…that fantasy you’ve been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore.

Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there’s no edge that’s point-blank off-limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and you’ll gain the golden key.

Your honesty is what cements my trust. Let’s build that foundation.

And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really important to me.

If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say nothing, when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to make up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.

Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing with me.

Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So man-up, and spit it out! This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it’ll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache.

And you know what’s awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right?

lovers

Secret Desire # 7: Face Fear Head-On:

Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they’re mine, or yours. And always be willing to go deeper with me, and work through that fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time.

In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.

When you get scared, remember; I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there!

Bring it to me, and I promise to do my best not to hurt you, make you wrong, or close you down in your fear. Open to me, and I’ll open to you.

Secret Desire # 8: Responsiveness:

In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you learn to respond appropriately to the information you gather.

That doesn’t mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention AS you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment!

There’s no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead, learn to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally.

Look, listen, then walk, as we learn in crossing the street. Give our interactions as much thought, and we’ll find our way.

Secret Desire # 9: Sharing Responsibilities:

In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure.

In life it means parenting with me, house keeping with me, making decisions with me; not around, or to, me. It means making goals and building dreams with me.

Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.

lovers fight

And, The Big Secret Desire # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All:

When my ex-husband and I separated a few years ago, I loved my way through it. it wasn’t always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.

Even when I’m angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I’m hurt, scared, and tired of the b.s., I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.

And if I can’t, something might really be wrong!

Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.

Remember; I’m loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to make this thing work!

About Lasara Allen

Lasara is wife to her true love, and mother to two amazing young women. She’s also a best-selling author, an educator, and an activist. Lasara’s first book, the bestselling Sexy Witch (nonfiction, Llewellyn Worldwide), was published in 2005 under the name LaSara FireFox. As of 3/6/2012, after a coaching sabbatical, Lasara has openings for three three-week, individual, personally tailored coaching and mentoring programs. She also has slots in a cohort-model group coaching program available for a limited amount of time. Lasara is available for one-session commitments as well. Make whatever commitment feels best for you. Lasara offers individual coaching on topics such as; * Mental and Physical Health and Wellness - accepting your diagnosis (or that of a loved one) - learning to live with awareness of strengths and vulnerabilities - Learning to live gracefully within your spectrum of the possible * Mindful Relationships - self as primary partner - loving partnerships, friendships and connections - marriages - parenting - family * Spiritual Contemplation and Alignment - Entering into and committing to your spiritual inquiry - Learning to listen to listen for and hear the divine in your life - Inquiring into the role that faith may play in informing your path - The role of meditation, contemplation, and prayer in your practice For more information and endorsements, visit: http://lasaraallen.com/about-lasara/coaching-services/

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23 Responses to “What Women Want: 10 Secrets every Husband or Lover needs to Know.”

  1. lisa says:

    so well said! thank you for this article Elephant Magazine and thank you to lasara allen for writing such a superb article.

  2. Lilith says:

    Fabulous, Lasara! Thank you….

  3. Lasara Allen LasaraAllen says:

    Thank you, Lilith.

  4. [...] put it into words, but for once I listened to my inner wisdom and against all protestations by my husband (I had asked him to come–to which he replied, “There’s nothing to do in Washington DC!”), I [...]

  5. SriDTMc says:

    wow. i clearly needed to hear (read) that. i am somehow changed now. thank you. thank you.

  6. Andrea von Schoening says:

    That is a really beautiful post, and speaks to the intimacy that people really want … now we have some ideas about how to get there … thanks!

  7. Anandi says:

    Beautiful Lasara! Thank you for sharing and for letting me know that what I want is not too much to ask for. This type of intimacy is out there…

  8. Laurinda says:

    beautiful, Lasara, thank you so much!!

  9. betterdeal says:

    Lovely piece, hits the nail band on the head. I'd say this is true for lovers, not just women, because, as a man, it's what I want as well.

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  12. Yasica greenbless says:

    Yes, well said! Thank you for putting it all together in a nice article that I can send to my husband for enjoyable reading :)

  13. jim says:

    I wonder when the female species(women) will evolve enough to just clearly state their needs, wants and desires, so there are no misunderstandings. personally I scored very high on the test 8/10, but I believe if more women took the guess work out of a relationship it would eliminate most if not all the confusion described in this article.

    "Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response."

  14. ready to quit says:

    I'm dying over here, I'm so fucking tired of having to step my life up in order for my women to love hers. I ask questions, hold space, engage, snuggle, support, and yet it's never done "right". my words aren't "right", my approach isn't "right" I'm fucking exhausted by the new age David Deida (who is an idiot) bullshit that says women are incapable of opening themselves up and stepping into the fire with their man in order to have BOTH grow from this experience.

  15. Ang says:

    Women’s secret desire becoming a porn star while men’s secret desire is becoming a whore. But then men think they are porn star already and women think they are ho.

  16. Clem says:

    What's in that list that men don't want either?

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