Retiring the Yoga Porno Pants.

Via on Jun 11, 2010

You gotta know when to fold ‘em…

Once, years ago, in the beginning of our yoga time, my husband and I had a crazy, crazy substitute yoga teacher. That, in itself, was far from remarkable, since in those early early days, we were taking yoga at a gym which, with some exceptions, seemed to be a refuge for kooky super-70s yoga—you know, the leotard and long braids look, very Lilias.

Anyway, we were dismayed to find that, in addition to this super-crazy sub’s loopy vibe, she also had an unfortunately-placed hole in the crotch of her yoga tights.

I do not mean a certain worn-ness of the seam. I am talking about an actual gap, a void, a quarter-sized revelation. Distressing. Because no matter your penchants, something like that has its own gravity. Throughout the hour-long class, no matter what poses she was demonstrating, she never seemed to be aware of the extra air, but just carried on. Perhaps she did know and just played it off as well as possible, but we felt that she was just so out there, she didn’t care about flashing that bit of cootch, like life was just one extended everybody-naked-in-the-hot-tub.

Know when to walk away, know when to run…

Dear god, have I become her?

Sadly, there is a point in the life of every beloved pair of yoga pants when they just break down. The repeated wearings and repeated washings break those babies down after a while: they lose their hug, their ass-seams get thin. My man was good enough to tell me this about some LuluLemon pants a couple of years ago. I was mortified but grateful that he happened to mention it before I left the house (although I spent a good hour or so feeling a little queasy about the huge yoga workshop I’d been to the weekend before in those very pants, yes, like 250 people were there). I still have those pants, but don’t wear them for yoga—maybe just sometimes around the house, yard-work, no company, no forward bends.

The problem is that you can’t always tell about a pair of pants when you pull them from the drawer or dryer. It takes a prasarita [wide-legged forward straddle, illustrated above] to tell whether they’ve rounded the bend, and when you’re in a hurry, packing yoga stuff as you rush out the door for work, not always time to check the integrity of the pant-booty. My best friend Trixie and I have pinkie-sworn to tell each other, but honestly, then there’s the question of how and when—certainly not while assisting each other, maybe on the ride home when debriefing the class (ha ha ha)? It’s delicate.

Just to be on the safe side, I am retiring the blue Hard Tail pants I wore last night. They have been my favorites for a long time, but I am uncomfortably aware of their age and of my nether-regions lately when I wear them. I bid them adieu, and for safety, throw them in the rag pile to be cut up into squares that will dust the house or clean bikes. Anything to ensure that I not wear them out again.

I wish yoga pants lasted longer (particularly given their price), but sadly they appear to be as transitory as all other material things. Memories are a different matter, like the one I still carry of that sub and her so-sad tights.

So I’m retiring the porno pants and making favorites of other pairs, until they too hit that point of no return. I’d rather be remembered for other things, thanks.

About Ariane Trelaun

I'm a writer, beekeeper, yogi, backyard farmer and nature freak. And madly in love with Mr Burns, our puppy. Board my crazy train of thought at www.theforceexpansive.com XO

20,249 views

Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use PayPal but you don't need an account with PayPal.)

Elephriends - Mindful Affiliates

18 Responses to “Retiring the Yoga Porno Pants.”

  1. Liz says:

    I loved the article!. Very funny … and also had me doing prasarita before I headed out the door to yoga class this morning!

  2. Bobbie says:

    Awesome: the prasarita pass, you could call it. I highly recommend Be Present pants. They last and last and last.

  3. Jennifer says:

    Haha! I actually do Baddha Konasana and check my thigh seams every time I leave the house for yoga class. I learned my lesson the hard way on this one! Great article, it really brought the giggles.

  4. mletag says:

    So true! I generally suffer from sticker shock over yoga pants and have been really surprised by the price tags in relation to the quality of knit material. I've seen pants for $80+ and can tell the knit is really thin and will surely wear down after lots of washes. I love Beyond Yoga pants – had a little bit of issue with color fading, but the seams and actual knit material have held up really well.

  5. Charlotte says:

    My favorite Capris of all time are by Stonewear Designs (made in the US). They use a substantial organic cotton/Spandex blend fabric and they last and last. I've been wearing these pants to probably five classes a week for about four years and they are still in great shape.

  6. JoLinda Van Haren says:

    Lol, I just try not to look!!!..(I check my own before leaving the house) but in class I just try to keep my eyes on other places(parochial school) hahaha!

  7. elle says:

    It's not just pants with wears and tears – there's a whole breed of pants we refer to as "butthole pants…" They're the ones that seem sturdy and dependable … until your first down-dog, child's pose, or the lord-save-me-all-bets-off crow pose. Your teacher may be the only person who ever knows that your spandex is not woven nearly tightly enough.

    Oh, the things I've seen….

  8. Carrisa says:

    LOL… sooo true! I bent over one day and my 5 year old told me that she could see my hiney when my pants stretched… my first thought was OMG, who else in my classes thought the same thing????????? She is now my official spandex checker. Thanks for the chuckle

  9. candice says:

    Oh the bit of stuff I've seen flashed here and there, from men and women, as a yoga teacher. It's only because I see it in class that I worry about my own pants! Every now and then my husband clues me in to. The rest? I trust my yoga teachers are professional enough to just see it as part of the biz :)

  10. Tamara says:

    Ha ha HA.
    SO true. Awesome article!

  11. maura nolan, RYT says:

    I am loving my GFIT yoga pants from the GAP! They're half the price of Lululemon and at least as sturdy and flattering!

  12. guest says:

    i let lulu know that i could see my students' parts in that exact pose you're talking about, and find it interesting that nobody from there replied.

  13. Susan says:

    No problem here… 1) I do not wear my contacts or my glasses while doing YOGA – so I see nothing! I wear "cheap" but long lasting TARGET YOGA (my pair has lasted 3 years) and soon will be replaced by a TARGET Bike shorts plus a 100% cotton WALMART special top! <grin>

  14. Katie says:

    I once had to furiously color my inner thigh with black marker to camouflage a hole before I taught a class!

  15. yoga peach says:

    I wear my lucy lotus power pants all the time for yoga, running and spin. I have several pair but wear/wash them weekly or a few times a week. They are still like new after 3 years.

  16. Shaly says:

    I teach aerial classes and I have learned a few things the hard way. One, keep extra work out gear in my car (this one saved me when I discovered two minutes before class that my shorts had a significant hole in the crotch). Two, I always wear underwear under my leggings, panty lines be damned. I repeatedly straddle my legs to invert and it’s only a matter of time before I wear a hole in my crotch-zone, gotta have a back up layer.

  17. Jessica says:

    And this is why everyone should have a friend that sews! :) I mend mine occassionally.

  18. Saskia says:

    I read this article WHILE packing yoga pants into my bag! :D even though I completely agree with the precautions taken- I would die of shame if I had an actual hole in my leggings or my ass was shining through the thin fabric, I have to say: respect to your substitute teacher! Dont we all want to be as self assured, relaxed and at peace with ourselves and our bodies like that woman? So who cares of you can see a bit of my panties? Life wears and tears and so do yoga pants. I think part of our journey with yoga is to claim that piece of fun and joy that accidents bring. And isn’t life about that? :)

Leave a Reply