More Sex with More People: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of Open Relationships.
In what way does being intimate with multiple people interfere with our personal daily functioning?
Throughout working on my Master’s in Women and Gender Studies I’ve had conflicting issues with the basis of monogamy, specifically marriage and all of its patriarchal glory.
If even close to 50% of marriages end in divorce, why are people still getting married?
If one of the root causes of divorce is infidelity, why aren’t we working on concepts outside of monogamy?
Lately I’ve been exploring ideas of what it would be like to have an open relationship. Mainly I’ve been debating the good and bad of polyamory—poly meaning more than one; amory meaning love—together, meaning to love more than one at a time.
Because I live mostly in a theoretical world in which polyamory and open relationships work on paper, I thought I’d go through what makes me hesitant and excited about opening up my existent four-year (and counting) relationship and what it would be like to give this outside-the-norm style of love a try.
More Sex
The Good—Ahhh…More Sex.
Whether with one or more partners sex can benefit people in multiple ways, including stress relief, cardiovascular health, better sleep, and perhaps even enlightenment, just to name a few. Also, sexual exploration can help with a lack of stagnation; as most people who have been in long-term relationships can attest, we all go through peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows.
The Bad— Time.
Having sex all the time really puts a damper on doing much of anything else. If I chose to open my relationship and I met new, interesting people who I wanted to spend time with, well, I’d have to own a pretty badass planner to fit everyone in. And right now, it seems difficult to have enough time for just one other person.
The Ugly— Slutopia and STD’s.
The majority of our population doesn’t really find non-monogamy appropriate no matter its label (open relationship, polyamory, etc.) these people generally seem to think that those who are open are promiscuous amoral sluts with STDs. But, there is a right way to be a proper ethical slut, (and even a guide book for those who want more info); part of it includes always using protection and not screwing every person you meet. People who are out doing everyone without protection have low self-esteem and a death wish.
The other problem I could encounter is that some monogamous people may look at me as a threat—a loose cannon who could blow up their existing relationship by trying to get closer to one of them. I am not a sex tornado, I respect other people’s limits and choices, so I find this concept quite frustrating as no one person is attracted to every other person in existence.
We all have our standards. I for one am not generally attracted to the mountain dew drinker, the renaissance fair attendee, the anime watcher, or the peace-pipe smoking hippie but those types seem to be the majority of poly-people who have “come out;” that, or they’re old. I guess if I do it I’ll need to start looking harder.
More People
The Good—More Fulfilling Relationships Overall.
Sometimes when people are in relationships they will put a barrier around said relationship so as to not cross over the intimacy line with other people. This can cause an inability to make more fulfilling longer lasting friendships (or more-than friendships) due to the fact that one person in a monogamous relationship doesn’t want to hurt the other by connecting closely to someone else. The most exciting part of the polyamory concept to me is the ability to have no fear when meeting new people. I can go for it completely. I can get as deep with another as I want without feeling I am crossing over into the “danger zone.” Partly it’s because I’m already with someone, and thus in a way, I always have backup in case of rejection and I always have a support system if something (or someone) becomes dysfunctional.
The Bad—Jealousy.
I’ve always been the sort of narcissistic egomaniac that finds it okay for me to do something, but completely ridiculous and rude if someone else does the same thing, for example I can flirt, but my boyfriend better not. And here in lies the major problem. However, I am working on getting passed that—as jealousy is not an innate reaction to a lover loving someone else but is more of a socially developed dilemma. I was reading an autobiography of the beat poet Diane De Prima and in it she told the story of her girlfriend coming home late, crying profusely, and confessing her “sin” of cheating. De Prima was confused. She said she didn’t understand why she should be upset that someone she loved shared an intimate moment with someone else; it in no way hurt her. Something about that story really clicked with me. In what way does being intimate with multiple people interfere with our personal daily functioning?
The Ugly— Loneliness.
How can a person be alone in a non-monogamous polyamorous open relationship? Well, probably pretty easily if one’s partner goes on a date with someone else and leaves said person to fend for herself for the night. The book The Ethical Slut lists plenty of things one can do to “treat” oneself. It also suggests we make lists such as 10 ways to be Kind to Yourself and 15 Reasons He’s Lucky/15 Reasons You’re Lucky. Don’t get my wrong, I love making lists, but am I really going to remember to read my list when the dreaded loneliness starts looming? Or am I going to reach for a bottle of wine and pour my soul into an existential crisis where I question every decision I’ve ever made? And that is where it gets ugly. No one wants to go there. That is where egotistical narcissism would come in handy, or at least some high self-esteem and a bit more confidence than the average bear.
More Rules
The Good— Better Communication.
The best suited people for any arrangement of non-monogamy are Type A’s, who love planning and scheduling and being on top of it all. Because that’s what it takes. It seems like participating in this type of relationship would improve communication skills because people would first need to set boundaries and discuss what they want in relationships in general and specifically. And they would need to be completely honest at all times in regards to everyone’s boundaries.
If, for example, I didn’t want other people in my bed, there better never be anyone else in my bed. If he wanted me to give 24 hour warning I better give a day’s warning. Monogamous couples don’t have as many rules, basically, don’t touch anyone else in any way (mentally, spiritually, physically etc.) and it will be fine. I’m not sure if that is the best way to have a relationship for every person on the planet.
The Bad— Breaking the Rules.
Obviously humans are not perfect and though we all try to abide by our own ethical standards sometimes we slip. When this happens it can be emotionally painful both for the person admitting they broke the rules and for the person hearing the news. We are adults and we need to be responsible for our own actions and reactions. Some situations can be forgiven and some just may not be, that is all dependent on individual standards. I personally, do not know how forgiving I can be but at the same time I don’t want to find out.
The Ugly— Breaking Up.
An observation I’ve noticed about married couples is that they often don’t talk to each other, about anything. There is a security in knowing that the other one is always going to come home, but there is also a monotonousness to it that seems utterly depressing. What appears to be missing over time, when the bore begins to occur, is a deeper understanding of oneself through the connection with another human being—a cut off, an invisibility, a routine with no positivity. The worst thing that could happen if we decided to try out this whole polyamory thing is that we’d break up and move on—but it seems like a worthy risk. One that could lead to a more fulfilling life overall. Or one that could at least give me a good story to write about when I’m 50 and reflecting on my youthful ideology, my idealism, my inability to conform to the conventional relationship standards of our day.
I will never know unless I try and I still cannot decide…
[Update: Read How More Sex with More People was Good, then Bad, then Ugly.]
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
So if you're okay with breaking up if you try it, it could be a learning experience. Something you'll look back on someday and say, yes, I know for sure that monogamy is what works for me because I tried the other and it didn't work. Just don't beat yourself or your partner over the head trying to fit into doing something that doesn't work if it goes wrong.
On the other hand, if I were your partner, I think I would be concerned that the idea that you might break up didn't upset you. Why be together?
I cant stand the way sexual ADD is glorified in our postmodern culture. Promiscuity is immature, unspiritual, hurtful and messy. People are too lazy to work on themselves and their relationship, preferring to act out in avoidance. Totally un yogic, especially as having multiple male partners trashes your aura if you're a woman (yogi bhajan.) My soul cries if I share my body with a man and there is no follow up. As for STDs, condoms don't offer protection for everything, HPV can be caught even with condoms. YUK YUK YUK!! The only safe sex is monogamy or abstinence.
Well i can tell from experience, it's all good and fun in the beginning, but NO relationship go through it unharmed, i'm currently getting divorced and we started out soft swinging and then moved to a open relationship, sex was non existent in our marriage and we used the 'open-ness' of our relationship to have sex with others, you end up having NO respect for one another and it becomes a selfish game, only for you to gain , vica versa . . I would personally NEVER enter another relationship with these thoughts, it can only end in a bad way, if you love your partner and they love you, THIS should not even come up. If your partner or you brings this subject up, you already failed in the relationship, it might take days, months, years, even as long as 10 or 20 years . . but it will end, unless one of you stays the lesser in the relationship and just accepts the fate
[...] Why weren’t people seeing that this connection is natural and inevitable. Since the fourth century Plato has discussed human societal bonding. We are mammals and we bond with one another through touch. When we have a sexual relationship this creates a coupling—like it or not—for everyone involved. [...]
Jealousy is a human flaw. It come be overcame by spirituality, but for as long as you're in human form, it's NATURE.
[...] of relationship types. The Democratic Party has recently added same-sex marriage to their platform. Polyamory, the concept of multiple loving relationships, is emerging in western states including Utah. I find [...]
[...] [...]
I really like this article. It's well thought out and from perspective, a very balanced view. In my own pursuit of an open relationship with my wife of 12 years, I have spent much time researching the differences, the boundaries, the do's and don'ts and what to anticipate from both a positive and negative perspective.
I like that you have approached this sometimes touchy subject, from all the angles. You haven't indicated whether you are pro open or against it. From my perspective, it's very well balanced.
Fantastic article. Way to put it all out there and open up this discussion.
Ugh.. being “anime watcher” it’s sad for me to see this kind of prejudice but otherwise good article.
People need more quality communication and if polyamory promotes it then it should be supported for development of society.
The first real concern is that it’s evidently inefficient dissipation of valuable personal resources to try and love several partners in a long-term relationship because all of those partners have their own “worlds” that are often hard to manage or attune to.
And also it’s worth to mention that protection is a very good thing but doesn’t guarantee 100% prevention of sexual- or skin-transmitted diseases (and more so if they’re used incorrectly). And sometimes it’s perceivably better to have a partner that have almost 0% potential chance of getting those than partner with ~1-2% possibility.
I agree with cosette that jealousy is pretty natural and unavoidable. It's one of our emotions, even my puppy get jealous over me and my boyfriend, when we get close.
Anyway, here's another interesting case studies of single men. If you never got laid, this probably should give you some news. Here it is: http://flirtinc.org/?ref=more-sex&read=single…?
Any time we turn to other people for stimulation out of our boredom or ruts, whether it be a spouse or a mistress, we are bypassing a huge opportunity to connect with our Self. Most affairs and even most relationships begin as projections of lost aspects of our Selves. There is a difference between a relationship and conscious relationship. I think many who are navigating open relationships with good communication think of themselves as being quite conscious, just as many who go through communicative divorces do, but it is so rarely the case. If you're feeling antsy, look within and get yourself a good Jungian therapist. You're boredom will be immediately alleviated and you will start to learn what deep connection really is. Oh yeah, and maturity. Its a really wild ride that can actually lead to real fulfillment.
[...] Tell him that you want to start seeing other men, preferably men in your [...]
[...] probably have made a great harem wife in another era because at some level, I was only too happy to share the sex [...]
[...] It was about this time that I began an open relationship with a man who had long practiced polyamory… [...]
Honestly, long-term success in any relationship without breakup or codependency is a rarity in our culture because we have atomized and commidified human interaction. You will not solve this with an alternative sexuality – at least, not exclusively. That’s a problem we need to look at directly: we are programmed to be restless and discontent by consumer culture, and we need to stop letting our relationships be ruled by momentary novelty and acquisition.
That said, having been quite exposed to several styles of relationship, I feel best being monogamous because one really deep intimate relationship really does involve a lot of time and communication and challenge. Or, quoth the article: “it seems difficult to have enough time for just one other person.” I want a full life outside of the bedroom too, and these open relationship styles, even with their best foot forward, have a lot of overhead. I have seen some of the most outspoken advocates of polyamory in my circles, drop it like it’s hot. I think it’s a good idea to come to a place where you give someone your all, not because of a church ritual, not because of codependency, but because it’s good for you both.
I am eager to see more conversation coming from genuinely loving and respecting ourselves and our partners over time. That’s a feature of character development. You’re not going to get it automatically by being fashionably alternative – or not. That’s just avoiding the real issue, that is, being able to love and grow in all the areas of our life in each other’s company.
It just depends on yourself. Whatever you want and makes you happy, is what you want. Go ahead and find people who have similar ideas and similar feelings as you do. If you find a partner who loves you for who you are and you are happy about it, great! If you find a partner who is an open relationship with you and that's what you want without emotional commitment, that's great! It's all about finding the right people and people who will make you happy and/or satisfied.
For me, if I was to go into an open relationship, I would only hope that my emotions would never get in the way and rather, my sexual primitive instincts would just make me have a fun time and enjoy it :p
On the other hand, I don't think I would be up for that. I would feel so much better being in a loving and committed relationship where we trust each other and are honest with each other. . . . and we sexually satisfy each other as well :p that's all I need.
besides, being in other relationships takes time (and money), ugh.
"We all have our standards. I for one am not generally attracted to the mountain dew drinker, the renaissance fair attendee, the anime watcher, or the peace-pipe smoking hippie but those types seem to be the majority of poly-people who have “come out;” that, or they’re old. I guess if I do it I’ll need to start looking harder."
Although I come under none of those catagories and am in fact single, I live ten thousand miles away Krystal…. but if you ever visit Ireland, gimme a call and I'll buy ya a pint of guinness ;o)
arrrgh trailing parenthesis! try this link: http://www.newsweek.com/2009/07/28/only-you-and-y…
I couldn’t have expressed this better! I agree and went through a heart-breaking soul-searching with a polyamorous woman going after my committed partner. I tried to accept it in so many ways… I could say yes to it happening but it felt like a huge “NO” to myself.
I agree, Angelina. I think the essential point is not defining yourself or your relationship as poly or mono, but engaging in a real supportive relationship. There seems to be a great deal of confusion about the sexual component and the basis of a real relationship. I can't help but be amused at some of the supposed "Buddhist" and "yogic" perspectives and the misapplication of "attachment" in these contexts. There seems to be a fundamental naivety and/or narcissism in these comments. I find it interesting that codependency isn't mentioned in the article since it is often that there is a narcissist who has convinced his or her partners that poly is the way to go since it fits the narcissist's needs but not necessarily the others in the relationship.
I am not anti-polyamory, but I do think that this is a rare phenomenon since it is difficult to be in one truly supportive relationship, let alone several–particularly in hard economic times and in a culture where most people haven't been given the values or tools to succeed in a polyamorous situation. And as I already mentioned, there are those ready to take advantage of this situation under the guise of "openness."
It would be interesting to have your boyfriend and his fiancee comment as well, Liz. Sounds like a great and rare relationship you have going there.
Shallow? How is this shallow?