Betrayal.

Via on Nov 15, 2010

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”

It’s been a few weeks and I’ve been trying very hard to write, but until now, neither my words, thoughts, nor emotions had the time to marinate and take shape.  It’s been one giant, frustrating, angry, amorphous blob.

I’m not even sure if it’s the right time now, but my fingers are aching to type and my voice is picketing for an outlet, a release.

Into each life, some rain must fall.

And some rain did indeed fall.

For the first time in my life, at 31 years of age, I experienced what it feels like to be lied to, what it feels like to be betrayed and if you must know, it literally feels like someone spat in your face.  And then punched you 982 times repeatedly in the stomach till you can’t breathe nor feel.

Now.

Imagine it coming from someone you cared about deeply.  This is a person you cared about who selfishly disregarded you and stripped you of your right to respond and your choice to keep your life honest, candid, drama-free and filled with good will.

As a yogi who has devoted over 10 years of her life to the practice of yoga, I suddenly found myself in a precarious situation.  Fairly good at managing emotions in my fledgling adult life, I wasn’t so sure if I was equipped to handle this.  THIS.  What the hell is this?!?  Everything instantaneously felt so foreign.

Should I barf?
Should I scream?
How could he do this to me?
Should I punch him in the face?
Does this mean I’m angry?
I shouldn’t be angry!
I’m a yogi!
I should be able to manage my anger!
How do I manage and maneuver my way through this without letting anger be at the forefront of my days?

So I cried.

I negated to indulge the anger and I cried.

I cried…and as I cried, I learned for the first time to reach out to my loved ones, my wonderful friends and family, bypassing my tendency to hibernate out of fear and habit.  Reaching out and putting blind faith in those who I believed truly cared about my well-being was an eye-opening, fabulously loving experience.  You see, I don’t generally do that.  It’s always been easier for me to hole myself up until me, myself and I have gone through the process, dissected it, and have come to terms with it.  Unfortunately, no one can prepare you for the nauseating range of emotions assaulting your sense of self when your trust is breached.  I couldn’t do it myself this time…so I gingerly poked my head out of my rabbit hole and reached out.  By reaching out, I finally gave each and every one of them an opportunity to be a friend.  Wow.  People do care.  We just have to let them.

Into each life, some rain must fall.

The Third Noble Truth of Buddhism lies in The Cessation of Suffering or Niordha.  Many of us existing in this day and age have difficulty with this Third Noble Truth as our habits lie commonly in reacting (rather than responding) negatively to what we perceive to be “bad” things happening in our lives.  We let our emotions tell the world who we are.  In this case, the emotion is anger.  If the anger is channeled poorly, it becomes aggression.

I was angry, no doubt.

It started with sadness, moved on to anger, back to sadness and back to anger.  As this “samsara” (Saṅsāra [sanskrit: संसार] literally meaning “continuous flow”) is making its way to the end of the cycle back to a state of happy equilibrium, I have to let go.

I am ready to let go.

We all have to let go sometimes.  What we often allow to happen is we PERMIT anger to get out of control.  Unfortunately by then, we have lost our footing, lost our mind and have become victims to our anger. When we learn to control it, we strengthen our mind, our sense of self and discover elements of wisdom we never knew we had.

Into each life, some rain must fall.

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”

Life exists in balance, in harmony, in reciprocity, in giving before taking.

I can only thank you for the tough lessons learned.  I have only you to thank for bringing me back to my roots, my Intuition and my pretty darn blessed Life that’s been riding the waves of honesty, appreciation and light.

As I look back and fill my glass up to half full, I realize that on all fronts, I came out even richer.  My relationships are richer.  My emotions are richer.  My life is richer because of this experience.  My life is richer because of you.

Much gratitude & blessings.

Thanks for readin’.

“Let your love flow outward through the universe, to its height, its depth, its broad extent, a limitless love, without hatred or enmity. Then as you stand or walk, sit or lie down, as long as you are awake, strive for this with a one-pointed mind; Your life will bring heaven to earth.”  ~~~ Sutta Nipata

About Grace Wang

Grace Wang is a social entrepreneur and teacher of yoga by day, a self-proclaimed kitchen goddess around the clock and practices the art of giving big, genuine bear hugs to both strangers and loved ones.  Founder of Yoga For Change, Grace is lightly neurotic, habitually impulsive and credits her sanity to green tea and good wine. She believes in the art of human connection delivered through hearty conversations over a home-cooked meal, practicing genuine interest, concern and compassion for others and last but not least, keeping her plants alive.  Poor plants...she's working on it.  Grace lives in Santa Monica, CA. Follow Grace @adoseofgrace or on Facebook. And find her at graceyogala.com. Find more information about Yoga for Change at www.iyogaforchange.com.

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3 Responses to “Betrayal.”

  1. Beautiful, heart-felt blog, Grace. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    Bob W.
    ElephantJournal.com

  2. I am so glad that you allowed the situation to wake you up, and that you wrote about it with such honesty. Hidden in the elephant journal archives is this gem: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2009/12/be-gratefu

  3. [...] others inventory, finding where integrity is lapsed in others or within a community. There is a sense of betrayal when those we admire turn out to have all the faults we find everywhere else; or when a community, [...]

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