Down The Rabbit Hole

Via on Mar 20, 2011

“Baker, baker, baking a cake, make me a day…make me whole again. And I wonder whats in a day? What’s in your cake this time? I guess you heard he’s gone to L.A., he says that behind my eyes I’m hiding, and he tells me I pushed him away…that my heart’s been hard to find.” ~Tori Amos

I have been asleep for the past week. This happens often…unfortunately. Maybe not so much asleep as nocturnal. I have fallen down the rabbit hole, again. Shit. Here, everything is what it’s not. I get stuck here and I loathe it. When I visit this land of covers and blinds, it’s as if someone has edited a video of my life, showing only the terrible things that have happened. A constant reel, that has absolutely no end, of things I have tried my best to forget. Then anger, regret, sadness, everything spills over and fills up every inch of me, it makes it hard to breathe. There is no conversation between myself and the living. This can prove to be difficult for everyone who actually lives with me, including my three children. Don’t get me wrong, I feed them, and make sure they’re safe, which is a huge accomplishment given the field trip I’m on, and the handicap I have to work around. How do I know they’re safe? They live on my bed with me. They have adapted. Shit. You have no idea how bad it hurts to think of how much they loose during these sporadic misadventures. I want so badly to get up, to have the energy required to do play-dates, and day trips. I want so badly to want to do these things for them. They should not have to adapt. This makes me so mad at myself, and so the cycle begins anew.

When I visit this monstrous place, everything that is not completely necessary ceases to be. There is no laundry being done, no dinner being cooked, nothing. My husband comes home and tries to be tough asking me if I have bothered to get up and out of bed at all that day, but I know he’s not tough, I can see the pain, and concern in his eyes. Add it to the cycle. I am effectively ripping everything to pieces, and I know it, put that one in too. I’ve even stopped making excuses for it. I just turn over and lie there until the side I am laying on begins to hurt, then I turn over.

I am well aware that most people reading this would think that I need medication. I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work for me. We are hoping (my husband and I), that these visits to no mans land will become less and less volatile, and frequent as my brain learns how to live without foreign chemicals. It will be a slow process, like learning to walk all over again. It mirrors a child’s development because in many ways I have to learn to do almost everything all over again. In certain areas there has been improvement, but when my train of thought is disrupted like this it’s hard to be optimistic. I’m not ready to give up.

I have diligently been reading the Bhagavad Gita, hoping that I will stumble upon that one thing that makes everything click and suddenly become applicable. I understand how it should be interpreted and applied, I just can’t seem to figure out how to put it in motion. This makes me feel like I’m failing, but to be failing means I am trying at something that requires no effort. Just the fact that I am putting my effort and action into it means I am starting the race running the wrong way, right? The same goes for the daily (or not so daily) asanas I have practiced, and the meditating, and all the other reading. I am missing the correlation between all of them. A.K.A. wrong.

All of this finding “God” stuff is really tiring. I guess you could say that I have never really put much thought unto Him, until the last couple of months. Maybe I’m putting too much into it, in fact I know I am putting too much into it. I have been an effective hermit the last couple of months, certainly not doing the things one would be doing had I found such Divinity. All the books, and apps, and blogs, and tweets, and status updates, and research, and the list goes on, has me kind of feeling more like I’m drowning more than swimming, and I’m pretty sure that’s not what is supposed to be happening right? So what am I doing wrong…seriously answer that for me please. The peaks and valleys I have managed to put myself through make me think I definitely without a doubt, need medication. Which is what I’m trying to avoid. At all costs. I think it may be hard for you to understand why that is so important to me. I really haven’t put much of my background out there, I mean I should be dead, literally. So yeah maybe there’s some Divine Intervention going on there. I realize this. I’ve always been told, by various people, along the many stops in my path to here, that I have someone watching out for me, but I long for a much more intimate connection and the current mantra “I should be dead” just isn’t cutting it.

Suffice to say, I resorted to self hypnosis. HUGE mistake. I should have known better than to think I could trick my mind into being happy. The name of the Podcast I used is My Gift, Deep Relaxation Hypnosis by a person named Joseph Clough. I had done some research on this person and he has quite a following on FB, so I just want to reiterate that this was MY experience, and I am in no way suggesting that it was this man’s fault, or that anyone else will have a similar outcome. I have used a few Hypnosis podcasts before, and last night, which I should have taken as a sign, my husband noticed them in my IPhone and warned me not to do it. In the beginning I found myself unable to relax, whether or not this is due to his technique I can not say,I was not in the right state of mind to begin with. I don’t remember falling asleep, but the dreaming I had while under what he calls a “trance” was anything but relaxing. I thought I was awake, and I could see my bedroom and all of it’s elements like it was real time, down to the light in the hall, and the program on the TV. Though I was dreaming I thought I was awake. I don’t remember how, but I knew I was possessed. Like the Exorcist type possessed. I tried frantically to wake myself up but could not, my body felt like I was having seizures, and I had this strange sensation in my head. I kept trying to pull the headphones out of my ears, and in my dream I could get them out, but then I would wake for a split second and they were still in there commanding me to go back to sleep. I then saw a scary man at the foot of my bed who took hold of my feet and proceeded to drag me toward him, the whole time whatever was inside of me was taunting me, laughing hysterically in my ears. I was trying to scream for my husband who I could see sleeping next to me, but nothing came out as I choked on the intake of air. In thought it was very hard to decipher what was a dream and what was not, as I think I woke up sporadically throughout. Then every time I drifted back to sleep my body immediately started convulsing. I had no control over my hands or legs, so I was paralyzed. You get the point. There are a few more things that happened, but if you have seen The Exorcist I need not explain them. I have not seen that movie in years so I know that it was not a trigger. As I said before, I don’t know why this happened, I have not seen a review written of this sort at all. Needless to say I will not be trying his program again, in fact I am hesitant about hypnosis all together now. When I was finally able to wake myself, I was afraid to go back to sleep so I spent a lot of the early morning hours reading a book that has absolutely nothing to do with feelings, spirituality etc.  Anyway so when I finally trusted that my headphones were not possessed I stuck them back in and used an app that I have history with instead of trying something new. Silva Mind Control has a meditation app I love, and I used the Goodnight Meditation and slept soundly, though shaken, and dream free, which for once I welcomed.

This is me being honest about where I’m at at this point. I don’t know why I expected for it to be all sunshine and rainbows. They need to include some pictures of really sad things or people or something that describes this point exactly in the brochure because I know enough to know I am not alone here. I just want to be done with the shit stuff and be happy all the time dammit.

Peace and Love,

Jenn

About Jennifer Cusano

Jennifer Cusano, social media aficionado, research connoisseur, and writer du jour, is a Yogi on a path of personal exploration and long overdue healing. Managing Editor for YOGANONYMOUS, Producer for Where Is My Guru, Director of Social Media for YOGASCAPES and TumericALIVE, wife and mother of three, Jenn is really a superhero in disguise—or so she likes to think. In her spare time Jenn likes to read about and search for vampires, so if you happen to know or come across one, please do send them her way. Hit her up on Facebook or Twitter to discuss the various methods of tracking down said vampires. Also she is more than a little uncomfortable writing about herself in the third person, it may just be the hardest thing she's had to do, and that's saying something...

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8 Responses to “Down The Rabbit Hole”

  1. Hi, Jennifer.

    You have my deepest sympathy for this psychological hell you're going through. While I'm not like that now, I certainly have been at other times in my life, and while that was happily long ago for me, I remember the pain and the feeling of being trapped in a box with no key like it was yesterday.

    Sometimes the brain just does what it's going to in a way that is outside the influence of things most of us do to live better lives, like reading the Gita and Yoga and meditation, for example. I think at that point the only thing that can help is a really good counselor and the passage of time.

    If you've tried counseling and it has been frustrating, I urge you to keep looking. The right person to help you is out there if you're persistent.

  2. Thanks Bob I really appreciate all of the support and kind words, in a way it helps to know that I'm going through is "normal" for lack of a better term. I have been to so many doctors throughout the course of quite literally my entire life and while I understand that for some counseling can be a miracle, I'm reluctant to go down that road again. For now my friends, family, and just writing it all out is the furthest I am willing to go when it comes to outside help. While I have not sworn off counseling forever, the point Im at right now I feel like I need continue on my ouw for a while longer. I am just going to try to stick to the daily routine of reading,practicing, and mediation and have faith that at some point everything will fall into place. Thanks again
    Jenn

  3. Namaste Jennifer Wow! I've been there too takes courage to organize your thoughts enough to get those feeling done on paper. Thank you for sharing I have suffered in the past with anxiety, depression that led me into a Nervous breakdown this was over 25 years ago although your blog certainly brought it back Today I am an Energy Guide/LightWorker and have my own practice, guiding people into reconnecting back to their self, through their own energy centers of the body. "We are the Healer of out own body" although when you get to the stage you are in, and I have been there, you then realize you need a Holistic guide to help you reconnect back to yourself:)
    I also teach Yoga&meditation and these have been incredible strategies when I am feeling apart from myself (Hell) I still end up in the low places or valleys although NOW I am AWARE when they are coming and through the techniques of holistic practice I get back to where I need to be in seconds…..It just comes down to practicing. As an "Energy Guide" I still have wobbly days so I go to my local Energy guide down the street to fill up my gas tank and it works:)
    Sending you tons of LOVE, LIGHT & PEACE
    JOxo

  4. Laura says:

    jenn,

    thanks so much for putting this out there; I admire your courage and honesty, both of which I'm working on in my own life right now. I have two modalities that I offer for you to investigate. http://www.bodytalksystem.com and http://www.thereconnection.com These are aimed at bypassing conscious mind and getting to the root of our misaligned energies and balancing them at the core so the body and mind and spirit can heal itself. Don't know where you live but if there is not a practitioner nearby, distance sessions are highly effective. There are particular BodyTalk practitioners that I can recommend.

    So many blessings of healings to you on your journey.

    Laura

  5. [...] feeling of defeat and failure lining the inside of me now. You see I never resurfaced from my Rabbit Hole, and I had to turn back to the prescription pad. Unfortunately I am not in a position to go on [...]

  6. [...] winter I lived in my bed. I literally could not physically force myself to get up. I slept the days away and stared off into [...]

  7. Thanks April, I appreciate it, and to hear from and of you is beyond any kind of support system I have ever imagined, it has helped ALOT!–I think that part of understanding Yoga is realizing that there is no "blissed-out" all the time, or at least i think…I hope for you that you can get through your stuff too, I know its not easy :)
    Jenn

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