Read Unlimited elephant free—thanks to our new sponsor. {April Fool’s edition}

Via on Apr 1, 2011
Photo: Vinnie Lauria

Thanks to Pfizer’s partnership, we no longer need to ask frequent readers to pay $1/month!

Hello all my bodhisattva brothers and sisters out there! My name is Curt Surpence, and I am the newly appointed Dharma Spokesperson for the most mindful community this side of Katmandhu!

I’m referring to the Elephant Journal community, of course! I can’t say how grateful I am for this opportunity to shed a little light on the ancient, eternal dharma. I hope to open a dialogue about how we all might come together to eliminate present and future suffering, for as we dharmaniac’s know, the complete cessation of suffering is possible! Best of all, this existence-shifting information will be brought to you completely free of charge, thanks to the generous folks at Pfizer.

Photo: Thirteen of Clubs

Gautama Buddha never required his disciples to pay an entrance fee for his dharma talks. Therefore, if we are truly striving to walk in his noble footsteps, we must employ Right Intention with our insistence that the masses have free and easy access to the wisdom-nectar oozing from the great Bodhi Tree of Life. My role, or service, is that of the tapper, to collect the sap of knowledge, if you will, and distribute it as a consumable syrup — to sweeten your tea, perhaps ; )>

I am aware that there has been some controversy at Elephant of late, but that is in the past, and we are here in the present. I am here with you. Neither of us can know what will happen next. Neither of us can do a thing about the past. All we can do is deal with this very moment, now. Now. Now!

Photo: Thirteen of Clubs

Now that I have your attention, I would like to go back to my prior statement about the cessation of suffering. One might look around at the current condition of our world and think there is simply too much suffering, that it can never all be completely relieved. But that is the rational mind talking, the constant doubter, the servant elevated to status of master in this now-passing masculine Age of Reason.

As a result, we have ignored the gift that is our intuition, forgotten to nurture faith, out-competed the cooperative feminine principle.  As a result, many well-intending souls advocate a radical shift, a leap to the other end of the spectrum, an exaltation of intuitive faculties to the exclusion of the reasoning human mind. The true path lies, of course, in a middle way.

Photo: sfxeric

I am advocating a harmonizing, a re-balancing of both hemispheres of our dualistic existence. Male/Female, Light/Dark, Up/Down, Fire/Water, Earth/Air, Science/Religion, Red/Blue, Strong/Weak, Jocks/Geeks, Patriots/Pinheads, Left/Right, Up/Down, Water/Wine, Circle/Square, Order/Freedom and so on into the emptiness of infinity!

The resolution of duality and subsequent recognition of essential, all-encompassing unity is the most profound insight offered by every spiritual teacher the world has ever known. The Buddha is perhaps unique for the specificity of the practical methods for liberation he left behind, effectively systemizing the process of enlightenment. However, these techniques invariably take decades, if not centuries or millennia — with all of our karma? Who knows…

Photo: photoguyinmo

In this modern age, with time/space accelerating at such a rapid pace, it is only appropriate that we discover fresh, and faster, methods of Self-realization.

Therefore, it is my great privilege, and humble honor, to introduce Unital. Unital has been carefully crafted by the master alchemists at Pfizer to work specifically with your DNA structure to activate the precise neurons whose dormancy is the only veil separating you from the ultimate spiritual revelation available to any member of humanity.

What did Buddha, Christ or Mohammed know that you don’t? They were human, they all suffered great physical harm in their respective embodiments, and yet, they remained steadfast.

Photo: David Steltz

I’ll tell you what they knew, because right now I know it too. They knew — we know — through and through, that they were one with the Lord, the Holy Father, Spirit, God, Allah, eternally inseparable from Source, and this knowingness allowed them to channel that awe-some power into profound human insight and joyous ever-present glory. Indeed, it gave them the power to perform what to most eyes entrained in third-dimensional-duality appeared to be miracles.

Well now that power can be yours; and these great teachers have taught us as much, forever insisting that they were simple humans too, merely awake to their divine nature. A twice-daily dose of Unital completely replaces your contemplative practice routine. No more boring discomfort in sitting meditation, no more stressful, awkward yoga poses, and certainly no more bowing!

Photo: Arturo de Albornoz

You might have heard of Unital, though not by that name. Our guerrilla marketing campaign, in the form of feature film, “Limitless,” provided invaluable consumer data that strongly suggested that the general public is ready for this significant advancement in potential consciousness.

As more people wake up to the dream-world of a completely Unitized planet, the domino effect will be exponential. We hope you will join us in leading the way!

Thank you for your attention. If you didn’t make it all the way through the article, the Pfizer folks have a salve for that too!

Photo: kojach

Until next time, in the now,

Curt

About elephant journal

elephant journal is dedicated to "bringing together those working (and playing) to create enlightened society." We're about anything that helps us to live a good life that's also good for others, and our planet. >>> Founded as a print magazine in 2002, we went national in 2005 and then (because mainstream magazine distribution is wildly inefficient from an eco-responsible point of view) transitioned online in 2009. >>> elephant's been named to 30 top new media lists, and was voted #1 in the US on twitter's Shorty Awards for #green content...two years running. >>> Get involved: > Subscribe to our free Best of the Week e-newsletter. > Follow us on Twitter Fan us on Facebook. > Write: send article or query. > Advertise. > Pay for what you read, help indie journalism survive and thrive—and get your name/business/fave non-profit on every page of elephantjournal.com. Questions? info elephantjournal com

420 views

3 Responses to “Read Unlimited elephant free—thanks to our new sponsor. {April Fool’s edition}”

  1. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    Excellent. Where can I get some?

  2. Brooks Hall Brooks Hall says:

    Awesome! Hook me up.

Leave a Reply