Tina Fey’s prayer for her Daughter.
Is…Genius:
Here’s the ‘ol bit, thanks to Braiker via Tina Fey’s new book, Bossypants:
Tina Fey’s prayer for her daughter
First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.
Source: Bossypants
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
amen
i dont really care for tina fey, but this is pretty cute
She's really pretty nice.
Makes me wish I'd had kids…
Good eye, Tina Fey,
"……for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty". Here's a line that exemplifies the truth and pain and insight of comedy. Kudos to her.
Love it–especially the last paragraph!
[...] Elephant Journal and Fey’s new book “Bossypants” window.fbAsyncInit = function() { [...]
cool.
I LOVE TINA FEY. Such a powerfully witty smart funny woman.
apparently i am the real fool… i honestly don't even know who tina fey is… but, this is a pretty insightful little prayer
Really? No Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, or even Baby Mama (movie) for you? There's more… Oh well, everyone doesn't know everybody… I'm just surprised because I a usually the one who says I don't know that person then a googling or IMDB checking I go.
[...] Thank you Elephant Journal for sharing this on Twitter! [...]
[...] A (pregnant) Tina Fey is back as Sarah Palin. [...]
[...] I was inspired by Tina Fey’s Mother’s Day Prayer for her daughter. [...]
Tina, I love you and all your subtle humor……we need you now more than ever, and by "we" , I mean everyone who HAS a sense of humor !!!!! Not to play up to your ego or whatever ( I do believe you are who you portray) But,….and ….well, I just think you're awesome…I wish we were friends!!!! That's all I gotta say.
-Stephen from Houston
Amen
Truly Amen especially:
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.
and I know-for I have lived this in my life
Love Tina Fey, LOVED the book, and this was truly one of my very favorite parts of it.
Spot on and funny as hell. Being a musician, a father who was raised by a father father who had a great respect for women I have a Freightliner from China worth of worry for my daughter. Thanks for the laugh and perspective. Glad to see I got good company, Tina.
PS- You’re hot!
Oh, I loved this.
I cried at the end, I am still not entirely sure why. I think because the love was just so clear to me. That bit about “I’ll know, because I peeped with my God eye.” She’s giving her daughter permission not to call her, forgiveness and love are wholly present.
Katherine, I can’t imagine why you thought this was all about control; it didn’t enjoin God to keep her from ever walking out her her mother’s sight like a controlling helicopter parent does these days.
Thank you Tina Fey.
Well Katherine, you may clearly raise your children any way you wish. My fervent wish, however, is that MY kids never meet your kids. It’s the kids with no direction or self-restraint that lead the others astray in vulnerable momnets. And yours? Are gonna be the ones lacking a right-from-wrong-voice in their heads unless you learn that parenting without guidance is simply called negligence.
[...] caterwauling little animals get you up in the darkness, but they never let you forget the Light. Tina Fey’s Prayer for Her Daughter captures this perfectly; here are the last few lines: “…should she choose to be a Mother [...]
Perfect for Mother's Day!
[...] these days, especially with such a media focus on Hollywood. But I see Emma Watson, Miley Cyrus, Tina Fey and Anne Hathaway…and I worry a little bit [...]
[...] Very few parents ask their infant daughters if they want a baby doll. They just give them one. The minute a girl child stops sucking a pacifier, she is shoving one into her doll’s mouth. We are shoved into caretaking long before we can take care of ourselves. Our baby dolls are hungry [...]
nicely written… though it is strange that a large portion of her credibility is due to being head writer on a show that has notoriously sucked, especially in contrast to how it was previously, since she's held said position
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0LUeX7yk5g
I think she was just making light of all the irrational fears all moms have about harm coming to their daughters, and in particular about those things we know we cannot control.
Perhaps, but that doesn't come across out of context.
)
Well said, 5×2.
it does if you have a sense of humor.
Katherine, lighten up, she's a comedian! It's all about irrational fears, and the fact that she is a comedian is the context. As a mom of a daughter starting her teen years, I can totally relate. And I laughed really hard.
That’s hilarious.
No- I won't lighten up. It's controlling mothers like this that give the rest of us bad names. Her daughter is going to go out into the world with a new found freedom and is going to make all the mistakes Ms. Fey is trying to stop her from making. This is exactly the problem with the world today- and Tina's endorsement of this ideology is short-sighted at best and detrimental to the good of nation at worst. I won't sit by, I just won't!
You won't sit by? What are you going to do then?
And what's she "controlling" in this prayer? Meth use and tattoos?
You are a nut job.
Holy shit, calm down and have a glass of wine!