What an adventure this has been, these past few months.
I have gone from wife, to ex-wife; from living in my own home, to living back with my patents; from being employed, to not being employed; from being a student of yoga, to being fully certified; from being a Maritimer living in Nova Scotia, to being the newest resident of Toronto.
Shall I continue?!
For those who are not familiar with my adventure and have not read my last two posts on EJ, Yogini in Training Starts a Blog, and How Divorce Helped Me Find Myself, I’ll give you a quick snapshot of the past seven months, or so, of my life:
Last fall, I separated from my husband and partner of eleven years to embark on a new journey. I was thirty at the time, and came to a realization that although love was present in our relationship, it was not in the shape that I had envisioned it to be. Recognizing that we would each live more enriched lives separately, was the hardest realization I had to wrap my head around.
I have always tried to stay true to myself and in doing so, knew I had to make a change.
So, last fall I moved out, moved back into the house with my parents that I grew-up in, and that is where I have spent the past several months of my life—cuddled up in my den, closed off to a majority of the world, starting my blog and just focusing on me.
The month before I separated, I began the journey from being a yoga practitioner to a full-blown yogini. I am very proud to say that I graduated last month as one of the world’s newest yoga teachers and could not imagine my life now, had I not embarked upon that journey.
The new part of this whole story though, is that I have decided to shake up my life just a little bit more by leaving the life I once new as so familiar and comforting, to one of uncertainty, of mystery and of surprise.
From the moment I decided to move, everything from planning to decision-making happened effortlessly.
I believe that when you follow your heart and are true to yourself, life has a way of showing you that you’ve made the right decision, and does so by falling into place with grace and ease.
There is also a sense of trust when such a decision has been made. For those who are not familiar with their relationship with the Universe, I am here to let you in on a little secret—
Once you realize that a relationship does in fact exist, and you feel comfortable with that trust of knowing, life begins to happen.
And by life, I mean that things have a way of falling into place for you. You may find that more coincidences start happening, but in actuality, they are not coincidences at all. They were meant to happen. Now I realize that may sound ridiculous to some people, as it may have sounded to me years ago, but I also take great comfort in knowing that it makes complete and total sense to others as well.
One of my teachers talked about the journey that we were on, and described it as a transformation of sorts. We talked about the difference between change and transformation, and that with change, you can always go back to who you once were, but with transformation, there is no going back.
Once you have made that transformation in your mind and in your heart, there is no going back to old ways.
It got me to think though, and wonder—is it really a transformation from someone who we once were into someone new, or is it that we are coming home to our true self? Yes, this is it. I believe I have come home to the woman who has been inside all along.
During the past few months, I have had lots of time to be with myself and get to know this true self of mine a little bit better. Okay, a lot better. I wonder if, now that I am following the path I was meant to take, and that my life is changing, does that mean I am supposed to be a new me?
I am leaving everything I have known and making a new life for myself. New city. New goals. New job.
At first I wondered if I was making these changes because I felt as though I had to, feeling that people would be expecting extreme life changes as a result of my separation, or was it because it was my true self finally coming to light? Having time and solitude on my side, and with that, the opportunity to reflect on thoughts and feelings I had been struggling with, I realized that this is what feels right in my heart. This is me and this is what I want. No forced feelings. No forced decisions.
Everything that has happened over the past several months is a result of me finally listening to that place inside of me where my true self resides. I am finally honouring that voice now, and giving it the opportunity to speak.
What surprising and wonderful, scary and magnificent things it has told me, once I just sat back and listened to what it has to say.
If these thoughts and decisions were not coming from that place of truth, I wouldn’t be feeling the drive and confidence behind my actions as I have been feeling. No second-guessing, no doubts, just pure bliss in knowing that I am making these decisions for me.
One thing that I have been struggling with is the sense of guilt—guilt for wanting to listen to my heart, and guilt for hurting and disappointing others. Knowing that I have disappointed people I love and that love me. I think that is natural though, don’t you?
Although that sense of guilt continues to be present, it has started to dissolve into feelings of happiness and confidence. It has gotten to that point within me, and I believe this happens for everyone who goes through something similar—when you finally have to let go and be happy for yourself.
Easier said than done, sometimes.
So for now, I will continue on my adventure, and trust where this path is taking me—continue listening to my heart, and doing so with a smile on my face, knowing I am living for me, and not feeling guilty for it.
I am in the moment of my life where I have been given the unique opportunity to begin anew. To take lessons learned from past experiences, and apply this newfound knowledge to future friendships and partnerships to ensure that I live and love as fully and as passionately as I can.
And, to ensure I am honouring and loving myself first and foremost.
For me, it’s come to a point where I have had to give up trying to control my life, and let my faith and trust in my self and the Universe take over. Not until I handed over that trust, did I start to live.
To anyone who may be going through a similar situation or contemplating tough decisions, I want to tell you to be patient. Learn to love yourself. Learn to trust yourself. Learn to believe in yourself. You must find that strength that resides within your heart to do this, because until you do, you will question your decisions and actions, and such decisions must be made with confidence and love.
Live. Love. Trust. Believe.