Keeping a Zen Mind Can Save a Relationship. ~ Toni Bernhard

Via on Jul 7, 2011
Photo: Arunas Kulikauskas

Three Zen masters — one from Korea, one from Vietnam, and one from the United States — have offered powerful teachings to keep us from rushing to judgment about others, teachings that can save a relationship.

Korean Zen master Seung Sahn liked to instruct his students to keep a “Don’t-Know Mind” so that they wouldn’t cling to their fixed ideas about the world and about people. He said: “If you keep a Don’t-Know Mind, then your mind is clear like space and clear like a mirror.”

Master Seung Sahn came to the United States in 1972 and settled in Providence, Rhode Island where he repaired washing machines for many years, even though he was already a Zen master in Korea. As his English improved, students gathered around him. In 1983, he founded the Kwan-Um School of Zen. By the time of his death in 2004, his schools were all over the world, including Moscow and Tel Aviv.

Photo: Boy Goku

Internationally known Vietnamese Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh offers his own gloss on the Don’t-Know Mind. He encourages us to always ask “Am I sure?” before we believe our immediate perceptions. He likes to use the example of how we panic if we see a snake in the dark, but when we shine a light on it, we see that it’s only a rope. In fact, he suggests that we write “Am I sure?” on a piece of paper and tape it to a place where we’ll see it often.

Charlotte Joko Beck was a pianist and piano teacher who began Zen practice in her 40s after raising four children. As founder of the Ordinary Mind Zen School, she attracted many people who were interested in the relationship between Zen and psychology because she taught her students to work with their emotions as opposed to avoiding them. Several of her Dharma heirs are practicing psychologists and psychiatrists. In her book Nothing Special, Joko Beck recommended a practice to help us keep an open mind about others:

Whenever we say a person’s name, notice whether we have stated more than a fact. For example, the judgment “She’s thoughtless,” goes beyond the facts “She said she’d call me and she didn’t.”

When I first got sick, I rushed to judgment about friends who didn’t keep in close touch. I didn’t keep a Don’t-Know Mind.

Photo: Roy Blumenthal

Neither did I ask “Am I sure?” before judging their intentions. After years of resentment, I realized I was wrong about those intentions. Whether healthy or sick, all of us are experts at spinning stress-filled stories about others. Mine were along the lines of “She doesn’t care about me now that I’m sick” and Joko Beck’s “She’s thoughtless.”

In truth, you don’t know what’s going on with other people unless you ask them. A friend may not be in touch because she’s having work or family problems. Maybe she thinks she’d be disturbing you. Maybe she’s uncomfortable around illness. Maybe he has medical problems of his own.

How would you know if you don’t ask? Maybe it is time to let a relationship go and move on, but before you do, consider reaching out to whoever is disappointing you. Keep that Don’t-Know Mind. Ask “Am I sure?” Stick to the bare facts (“She didn’t call me”) before you rush to judgment.

This was a lesson I wish I’d learned before I got sick. One summer, just as I was about to leave town to attend a 10-day meditation retreat, I received an email from the dean at the law school where I was teaching. The subject was my teaching load for fall semester. I read his words and interpreted them to mean that he was questioning my willingness to teach my fair share.

Photo: Show Biz Superstar

Instead of sticking to the bare facts in the email, I rushed to the conclusion that I was being negatively judged and so I, in turn, judged him negatively. I wish I’d had that piece of paper taped to the wall asking “Am I sure?” Then I probably would have contacted the dean before leaving town. Instead, I went to the silent retreat, which turned out to be anything but silent in my poor tortured mind. I spun so many stories about that email, it’s embarrassing to recall. I was miserable.

As soon as I got home, I called the dean. It turned out he was concerned that my teaching load was too heavy. When I re-read his email, I could see that it could very well have been interpreted that way. How I could have benefited from keeping a Don’t-Know Mind on that retreat!

Before believing the story you’ve spun about those who are disappointing you, consider reaching out to them. You need only consider it. It took an illness and some common sense Zen teachings for me to learn how often I’d misjudged the good intentions of friends and colleagues.

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Toni Bernhard is the author of the How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers, winner of the 2011 Gold Nautilus Book Award in Self-Help/Psychology. She can be found online here.

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3 Responses to “Keeping a Zen Mind Can Save a Relationship. ~ Toni Bernhard”

  1. JamesAltucher says:

    Seung Sahn has the craziest books and quotes. Must-reads. Love Charlotte Beck also and even, for awhile, had as a therapist one of her students. But he was too harsh on me! I wanted to complain too much.

  2. [...] to our being that any transformation in them has a substantial effect on our own lives. These relationships take us on a journey of friendship, love, sacrifice, devotion, loyalty and [...]

  3. Hi James. Yes, I love his books, especially "Only Don't Know" which are letters from his students and his replies to them. Joko Beck was a "take no prisoners" teacher. Not "touchy-feely" even though she was in California! I guess your therapist followed her approach. It might have been good for some patients, but it sounds like you were wise to move on.

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