Seattle Craigslist: Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue)

Via on Sep 15, 2011

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

  • Location: Bellevue
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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39 Responses to “Seattle Craigslist: Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue)”

  1. TMC says:

    LOL! Tears streaming my face. So funny!

  2. I was talking to my teacher just last night about how my Jade mat has huge holes in it after less than a year and a half. He said "you practice too much for a Jade mat." I thought "not much of an endorsement for Jade." But, then, when you consider that many people buy yoga mats and only use them once, or not at all, the vast majority of people who buy yoga mats will never use them as much as I did in a year and a half, I guess it's relatively rare to have this kind of problem…

    • DanielleDD says:

      I am having the same problem. The Jade mat falls apart on me during every practice. Looking for a new mat if you can suggest a good eco friendly, sticky, hearty mat! My eco manduka was slippery and heavy.

      Oh, and that Craigslist add is damn funny!

    • KrisM says:

      Interesting. I have had my Jade yoga mat for just over a year, and its starting to show some wear, but is holding up ok. I use it about 8 times a week, as it is my favorite mat. Is yours the thick version or the standard thickness? I will be saddened when mine falls apart, it truly is my favorite mat.

      Danielle – I had the same problem with the manduka. I didnt like it at all.

  3. Laurie says:

    funny stuff!!! :)

  4. Tanya Lee Markul Tanya Lee Markul says:

    Posting to Elephant Yoga on Facebook and Twitter.

    Tanya Lee Markul, Yoga Editor
    Join us! Like Elephant Yoga on Facebook
    Follow on Twitter

  5. kcyogachick says:

    All kinds of awesome! That pretty much sums up how I felt about my first Bikram class too!

  6. Tanya Lee Markul Tanya Lee Markul says:

    Just posted to "Featured Today" on the Elephant Yoga homepage.

  7. JLM says:

    I cant stop laughing. My sides hurt and I think I wet myself. This was too much fun!

  8. Andrea says:

    SO HILARIOUS!! I kept looking for the name of the author but couldnt find it. He is very funny. I would love to read more of his stuff. I laughed OUT LOUD a whole lot!! When he said he took 4 classes 5 short years ago I started to really laugh and then couldnt stop. I used to do Bikram yoga, but I think it is too gimmicky…sorry Bikram lovers… Vinyasa or Ashtanga or Hatha or any kind of yoga in an un-air conditioned room is plenty hot. Just my opinion, any yoga is good. You just have to find the one that suits you best. Don't give up, writer!! and defintitely keep us laughing with more of your stories.

  9. Ambroyogini says:

    OMG! I'm still wiping tears from my face from this! TOO funny! Thanks for the laughing yoga!

  10. rainbowyoga says:

    pmsl! really funny. oh and as for the jade mat, it disintergrates slowly but surely even if u just leave it in the carboot. i'm very sweaty so i still have to use a mat towel to lay on top of my manduka pro black. but support wise, it's better than jade.

  11. joachim says:

    cant read this, the fucking comercials driving me nuts.
    If you are smart, boycott sides with to much comercials.

  12. Justhavingfun says:

    Just loved it….. really made my day!! @joachim…. feel the love! The guys putting this together have to support the site somehow.. so either make a huge donation to the Elephant folks or kindly just breathe deeply and smile :-)

  13. Kelly says:

    This made my day i had to wipe the tears from my face as i laughed out loud the whole way through! Absolutely brilliant :-)

  14. Tanya Lee Markul Tanya Lee Markul says:

    Just posted to "Popular Lately" on the Elephant Yoga homepage.

  15. [...] Seattle Craigslist: Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue) [...]

  16. Sarah Mahon says:

    I am pretty sure that myself and this guy should get married. I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard! I took my first Bikram class in West Seattle. Subsequent classes were taught by a very strict asian woman; probably the same one! Lmfao! I still take hot yoga though, but vinyasa and body flow styles instead of Bikram. 1.00 for a yoga mat is a great deal, btw! I wonder if it smells like tacos?

  17. KrisM says:

    This is funny stuff. Thank you for sharing.

  18. Nat says:

    absolutly hilarious and so very true!!!!!

  19. One of the funniest posts ever on Ele…. thanks – good way to start a Friday.

  20. [...] Seattle Craigslist: Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue) [...]

  21. Deanna says:

    LMAO wow…thats good stuff! It takes real talent to make me literally lol like that did! Still giggling!

  22. erica says:

    so gross and so hilarious. literally made me laugh and made my day too. I'm sure i'll be thinking about it next time i'm in a hot class. loved it.

  23. Simply want to say your article is as astonishing. The clarity to your post is just great and that i can think you’re knowledgeable in this subject. Fine along with your permission let me to grasp your RSS feed to stay updated with impending post. Thanks 1,000,000 and please continue the gratifying work.

  24. Molto interessante questo contributo di Traben Pleasant del Network for Student Activism dell’UCL. Essenziale anche la bibliografia.

  25. Tracy says:

    HYSTERICAL!!

  26. Jerry says:

    It's early in the AM for me but where is the punch line ? why is he only changing a dollar . I feel like i am owed a dollar for having read the whole thing ….i am glad you others found it funny .

  27. Tracy says:

    I just read this for the upteenth time and still roared with laughter, tears streaming down my face! It's a classic! I just reposted!

  28. SexyInMy60s says:

    I just posted this on my Facebook page:

    This article about his first (and last) hot yoga class is by far one of the most hysterical things I've ever read! Made me laugh SO hard, I actually had to stop reading several times. Give yourself the JOY of laughter. Read this.

  29. smeek says:

    funny funny funny.

  30. Timma says:

    I was laughing so hard that I very nearly choked to death on my lunch while reading this.

  31. Samara says:

    LUV THIS!!! I too laughed out loud throughout the whole thing. Boy can we all relate! THANKS!

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