Photo: Alex Cerrito

We’re always looking for sage dating advice, but even the best of us trip up once in a while.

Headed out to your local business district for an afternoon of relaxation and people-watching? Hoping to meet that special someone? Watch out for these guys. And don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Love, Your Local Chamber of Commerce.

1. Colonel Apparel
You can spot him by his clever attire: denim suit, colorful necktie, thick-rimmed glasses and a tub of Kentucky Fried chicken, most likely original recipe. He casts quite an intriguing presence standing in front of your local American Apparel store. You might almost mistake him for a model standing next to cardboard cutout of a woman wearing a tank top, terry cloth shorts and socks. (Is he being ironic? You’ll never really know for sure.) Step over, Dov Charney. Colonel Sanders, the new CEO of cool, is open for business.

He rips the meat from chicken bones with vigor, as would an archduke at a medieval dinner party. He flings the bones behind him with wild abandon. They hit the window glass and bounce forward like little miniature boomerangs. He is reprimanded by an ironically-clad store employee. He continues to lick the grease from his fingers lasciviously while winking at chosen passerby. He draws a grease-heart on the window glass. He is again reprimanded. ‘Who can resist a secret combination of 11 herbs and spices,’ he mutters to himself.

2. Stare Bucks
He stakes out the local coffee shop, lingering over a computer at a corner table, sipping double espressos behind a display of imported fair-trade coffees. He begins his approach, tiptoeing and swinging his arms from side to side. It appears as if he may be attempting to pass a kidney stone. Do not be fooled.

The object of his affections may crank up her headphones or bury herself in her Facebook page. She may try to project herself into an altogether different part of the astral plane altogether. He will read her status updates over her shoulder, commenting loudly on posts placed by 1.) her ex (‘He’s not as good looking as I thought he would be. I’m a lot better looking.’) 2.) her best friend (‘Is she seeing anyone?’) and 3.) her mother (‘Is she seeing anyone?’)

Unfortunately, excessive caffeine consumption does have a downside, a general aura of unwholesomeness, jitteriness and perspiration. Once this happens, he will excuse himself to regroup in the relative sanctity of the men’s room, where he barricades himself inside via the assistance of a large metal trash can. In approximately half an hour, the phrases ‘crazy mofo’ and  ‘dead body in the men’s room’ make their way into the conversation. Remember the person who said there’s never a line for the men’s room? Well, they lied. Eventually, the cops threaten use of a battering ram.

3. Victor’s Secret
He enters the Victoria’s Secret store and accepts a mesh tote bag from the sales assistant. He engages fellow shoppers, unsatisfactorily. When offered assistance, he explains that he is searching for a gift for his sister’s birthday and, like any savvy shopper, he would prefer to try it on first. He winks and asks for her number. She calls security. He runs. He tosses the remaining oily chicken pieces behind at various intervals, a strategy borrowed from old-timey cartoons in an effort to trip up pursuers.

4. Yoga Crass
In anticipation of the awakening kundalini energy, he will not shower for at least 96 hours. When a fellow practitioner asks what smells like a dead raccoon, he explains that he has just returned from a retreat in Nepal. As such, he has transcended mere matters of the flesh. This includes personal hygiene. (While this may make him seem more mysterious and otherworldly, it is, in fact, a ruse.)

He leans in very closely to his female partner during partner exercises. Uninvited, he places his palm atop her heart chakra. He says he can feel her energy. He then loudly invites her to be his guest at the Himalayan retreat this summer. She slaps him. Then she gouges him in the eye with the meditation incense.

5. Grocery Snore
His cart is loaded up with gummy fish, pork rinds, frozen salisbury steak meals and tubs of pure lard- anything that screams ‘My health is a ticking time bomb’ or ‘I haven’t cooked a decent meal in my life.’ Some athlete’s foot cream is tossed casually atop the pile. Variety, my friend, is the spice of life. He parks his cart in the organic produce section and lingers until he is no longer alone. He holds up a head of iceberg lettuce, examining it as if it were, in fact, a fallen meteoroid from the planet Melkor. Rare and precious, its physical form has never before been sullied by the gaze of the human eye.

When she tries to escape, he offers a counter-strategy. ‘Did you know lard is a health food?’ he touts. ‘My great-grandmother used lard every day and lived to be one hundred! One hundred!’ He invites his new friend over for dinner: lard-battered gummy fish. How could she resist?

 

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Marthe Weyandt is a Pittsburgh-based yoga instructor and freelance writer. She enjoys traveling and spending time in the great outdoors. She is currently learning to play guitar, albeit badly and at frequencies only dogs can hear. She believes in the power of the word, creatively and lovingly rendered, to create positive change in the world. She has a Bachelor’s in English and Religion from Dickinson College and a Master’s in International Affairs from Columbia University. She spent two years as an English instructor with the United States Peace Corps in Madagascar. Check out some of her other work at shazaamazoid.blogspot.com.