Question of the Day: Does Practicing Yoga Cause Divorce? ~ Chrys Kub
How are you? No, how are you really?
I am now a single woman, soon to be divorced after 19 years of marriage, and yes, I do believe yoga was partly to blame for my divorce. Not because I had an “affair” with my instructor, but because I had an epiphany in my life. And I am not the only one.
I would love to take a survey to see just how many women who started practicing yoga seriously, in their late 30’s and into their 40’s, have since gotten divorced. Now I don’t mean just practicing yoga a few times a week in your local hot studio, trying to get a better body. I am speaking of those women who embarked on an introspective journey, sparked by the spiritual practices of yoga. . I am willing to bet that number is at least 80%. Really? Yes, really. Out of 10 of my closest girlfriends through yoga, 8 of them have gotten divorced since they started practicing seriously. I know that can’t be an isolated statistic…or is it?
Soccer Mom Wakes Up!
I think what happens is those women, especially suburbanized women who have gotten stuck on the treadmill of being a super mom, trudging through their daily lives; begin to rediscover their old selves through yoga. It’s like that old cliché about not looking outside yourself to find out who you are, because you are already that which you want to be inside, you just didn’t realize it. Living the western lifestyle, you tend to look outward for meaning. You look to your neighbors to define success. Do I have a nice car and home like the Jones’? Is my job as prestigious as the Smith’s? Are my kids involved in all the appropriate sports and dang it, they better be on the All Star Team!! But those external measures have nothing to do with reality, or you.
For me, the big epiphany came at a cookout one cold October evening after I had been studying yoga for a few years. The guys (husbands) were all outside by the bonfire talking about manly things and the women were inside talking about, well, carpools and house décor. I kept trying to steer the conversation to deeper topics like “what do you think about the way you feel when your husband hasn’t hugged you in a year”, or “have you ever thought that some religions may be based on deceptions?” But inevitably I just got a quizzical look and the conversation returned back to mundane daily worries and trivialities.
I had just gotten back from a trip teaching a yoga teacher training with several of my long time yoga friends. We had delved into the philosophy of life together while studying yoga. We had discussed our core beliefs, morals and values. We had explored the how and whys of our lives and many of us discovered that we had disconnected to what was most precious to us, and had lost our passion for life. We were beginning to realize that the lives we were living were not an expression of who we were inside. Now I am not saying there is anything wrong about living in suburbia, raising morally responsible children and making a good living. What I am saying is if you are doing that, are you really connected to what you are doing? And is your partner connected to you? Is there passion in your life? And if not, what the hell are you doing?
What does this have to do with divorce? Well, as women begin this process of rediscovering themselves, many times the husbands do not come along for the ride. They just sit idly by, saying we are “crazy” and too into that “yoga stuff”. Meanwhile, their wives are slipping away, and probably never coming back.
I found out I was not alone in my experience.
One of my favorite books is Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. During my transition out of being a married woman moving away from “settling” for what society tells us is supposed to make us “happy”, this book was a life line. In Broken Open,Elizabeth speaks of reading the words of Chogyam Trungpa and finding that these words resonated with her at the deepest level.
“You feel sad and lonely and perhaps romantic at the same time. That is the first tip of fearlessness, and the first sign of real warrior ship.”
~ Chogyam Trungpa
Elizabeth goes on to ask this question, the question that literally changed my life:
“Had I been repressing the very parts of myself that could liberate me?…I took my first steps beyond the room of trying to be someone I wasn’t.”
And isn’t that what the practice of yoga does for us? It helps us to tune into being who we really are. We begin tuning into following our heart and our passion. And doing that is scary. We have to tap into fearlessness to make that change toward authenticity in our lives.. And the beauty of it is, many times, you are accompanied by women just like yourself, in the same boat. In fact, just today, one of my friends said the exact same thing to me as she was discussing having to move one more time with her two daughters. ”I am in the same boat you were in a year ago, thanks for understanding.”
This process calls us to stop trying to row upstream against the current. Through this process of turning the boat around, we encounter turbulence in the form of disapproving family and friends. But the good news is that once the boat is turned around and we are flowing downstream, everything becomes easier and we can now flow along with the current and watch where it takes us.
I wish with all my heart that my husband had followed me, had taken the time to find his passion and explore how we could do this together, but that just didn’t happen. And in rediscovering myself I remembered that I am spontaneous, that I enjoy being with friends who are genuine and open, that I love to dance and ride my bike down the beach, and will travel anywhere to hear the right band (I saw Michael Franti perform in 6 different venues in 2010).
The thing is I truly believe that some people are meant to be in our lives for just a season, to teach us what we need to know and for us to teach them. Then when that time is over, we move on. And I believe the practice of yoga is a tool which helps us to see that more clearly, and if it is time to move on, we now have the courage to do so..
So my question to you is this…how many of the women out there reading elephant journal, have had a relationship end as a consequence of their self discovery through yoga? And why is this happening? I think the secret is coming out. Women are not happy with the status quo, we need to be mothers and wives and career women, yes, but we also need to express our individuality as strong, powerful women.
To express our heart’s desire and follow our passions.
To be loved fully and irreverently.
To open our hearts to the possibilities of our lives
To live without fear of the unknown
And if the situation calls for it, to end our marriage and move on
My daughter turned 18 this week, and I wrote down for her my favorite quote. I am not sure she understands it now, but am sure in the future it will become clearer to her.
“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anais Nin
Photo credit: Yoga Studio
So, am I right? Let me hear from you.
Chrys has been practicing and teaching yoga since 2000. She is a physical therapist, yoga therapist, mom, and Mentor teaching Master Intensives in Yaapana Yoga with LeeannCareyYoga. She is also the creator of FitYogaTherapy. Visit her website for more information.
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This describes exactly what I'm going through right now. I wouldn't say yoga causes divorce, but if you are already headed in that direction it might help you get there faster. BTW I am a guy so I am puzzled that you targeted only women as the audience for this article.
I can tell you from personal experience, that practicing Nia DOES …
Love the last comment. I am also a man, not married. But ended a several year relationship right before enrolling in a yoga teacher training program. I definitely understand the angle of this article, and how this is probably more common for women as they "wake up". I think that yoga can definitely be a factor that would lead to the ending of a romantic or love relationship. That certainly was my experience. Yoga thrusts our lives into a dynamic state in which a lot of things become possible that might have previously not been. In short yoga amplifies life. It makes things happen fast. Because of your receptivity and surrender to life, you are able be in authenticity and if your relationship is not or your environment is not, it will naturally fall away or become different. It is law!
<3
I wouldn't be surprised if there is a strong correlation here, but it is hard to say which is the cause and which is the effect. It could be that whatever is going on in your life that makes divorce a likelihood might also lead you to begin or get more deep into your yoga practice.
I restarted my yoga practice 2 1/2 years ago, and three months in, my then-husband had an affair. Which is not to say that there's any correlation between the two, but what I realize now is that I dealt with it differently than I would have had I not been practicing. I got out because I realized that I deserve to be treated with more compassion, just as everyone else deserves the same. Even him, though it took me quite some time to be able to send any his way.
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Thanks for the responses. Just so you know, I didn’t “ditch ” my daughter but continue to co parent her and my son with their father. They see their Mom as someone who is independent, and passionate about life and her career working in a profession in which she brings the healing aspect of yoga to children with disabilities as well as adults in pain. I did not run away from life, but decided to live it to its fullest and with truth. And that is what yoga helpedme to do and I have deep gratitude for that.
Even though your article only seems interested in the experiences of women, I think you'd be interested to know that men experience the same thing. The deeper I got into my practice, the more I awakened to what really made me happy in life…who I am…what I want.
As a result of that awakening, I realized what a poor marriage I really had. I invited her to take the same journey of growth and unfolding..she was not interested…and we split after 17 years together. I preferred to grow and unfold with her but since she did not want that, I was not ready to cease my own journey.
I'm going through this currently. Some of it has less to do with yoga, and more to do with a change of path. When one partner stays on the path and the other diverges, whether through yoga or other form of self-discovery or growth, the relationship will falter.
Wow, you people are sad…tear apart a family because you want to ride your bike more and see a band…jeez. Your kids will resent you down the road if they don't already.
yes bdarr, and that's exactly how an insecure partner manipulates the other into thinking they are "crazy" and "selfish" for wanting those simple pleasures in life…riding our bikes, going to a concert, feeling ALIVE…and having their partner want to share in that joy with them. Perhaps you need to re-read the article…and go to a few yoga classes. Love and compassion to you, sounds like you have a long journey ahead of you.
Chrys – THANK YOU for an insightful article. I'm going through this right now, too. And this article helped affirm what I've been feeling for a long time now. xo
yes,I think its right and practicing Yoga hard will change and develop our ego self and it defenitely influence our relationship and it might cause divorce aswell.
I have another related question. How many of the women who have discovered themselves spiritually through yoga and shed themselves of many of their petty secular concerns are also collecting alimony from some poor bastard who is busting his butt trying to make up for the fact that his ex-wife isn't capable of feeding herself. The spiritual path is great as long as you are paying for it yourself. When you put the yoke and harness on someone else to pay for it, it is no longer spiritual. It is evil. For some this post will seem like it comes out of the blue from some angry man, but that is not the case. But, I suspect there will be many who read this and for whom this is wholly applicable. They will likely be the ones that protest the loudest.
Ah, so much wisdom here. I agree with all these sentiments to some extent.
I love my wifes yoga, and what it brings to her, and I support it as best I can with encouragement, time, my own meager practice, and yes- monetary support for the basics, travel and expensive retreats. She is a great yoga teacher and I am so proud of her for that.
But I’m losing her nonetheless. I can’t be the exciting carefree guy she needs me to be with the responsibilities of the job I need to keep us going.
She laments the faults she sees in me, in my responsibility, in my unwillingness to change and be more true to myself. And I love her for seeing that potential in me, because I am a poet, a musician, a writer and philosopher under all this corporate decoration.
But I’ve been in the world before with not enough money, with her working to make ends meet, and I know that I can help construct the space to let her find herself.
But she will soon leave me anyway, looking inside, while I keep my eyes on the road and my hands on the wheel.
I can feel it in the air.
I have not figured out where that line is where self-ness becomes selfishness. I suspect it’s as individual and complex as the practice is to any serious yogi. But there is a line there. This philosophy is no more immune to it than any other, and I pray you look for it when you are deepest in yourself.
Peace.
OMG aman. I was shocked when I read this, as it sounds like I could have written it. I'm so happy that my wife found yoga, and am 100% supportive of her deepening her practice, even though she has drifted further away from me. She has suggested that the 'new' her maybe wouldn't have married me, partially because I'm not 'living my values' by doing a job that I love. However, when I've told her that maybe I should look at doing something that I'd rather do, she gets upset that my income would go down, and we wouldn't be able to afford her not working (so she can work out & take yoga, etc.), and all of the things for our kids. It sometimes feels like she wants it both ways. We will continue to go to counseling & I hope that we can make this the marriage that we both deserve, and allows us both to be the best versions of ourselves – Namaste.
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Hang in there my friend, I hope things go well for you. They say you should set free the thing you love and see if it comes back to you. It's a pretty scary truism, but probably one worth learning to trust.
I would definitely agree that yoga has helped me face some realizations that had been buried deep. My husband must be pretty smart, because he was able to detect something happening with me. Unfortunately, he's chosen to respond with anger and putdowns. I can't say that it's entirely yoga though, as I've coupled this with a very healthy diet and exercise/strength training as well. There is an undeniable spiritual component with yoga though, and I will rely on yoga to help me get through the difficulties that lie ahead. Thank you for this article.
I agree with you here. I struggled through eat, pray, love. Because as I saw it, it was a romantic escape, I didn't see her working through "her stuff", For me that is the work of the yogic path. To bring to light "our stuff" and to evolve into a better human being compassionate in our relationships. I also have two, soon to be three children and there are many days I have escape fantasies about attending yoga workshops and meditation retreats to become a better person, or living in solitude on a mountainside. But then I remember, this is my life. And just as my partner may be flawed, I too am flawed. I live by the Zen saying "after enlightmenment, the laundry". The mundane is often where the real work begins and so each day I begin again. Raising my children, tending to my marriage, cleaning my house, nurturing myself….this is my rich, wonderful, mundane practice. Marriage is hard work, mining the shadow self is hard work, but both are equally rewarding.