The Aftermath.

Via on Feb 14, 2012

It’s been a couple of days, and many thoughts are swirling around in my head.

After the searing intensity of the 10 days between the publication of jfexposed.com and my resignation, things have settled down a bit. Now I am working on two fronts: trying to offer support to those in my community who are grappling with these events, and trying to get back to normal in my personal life.

Behind my eyes, there is a third front: the attempt within myself to come to terms with these events.

1. The Betrayal Thing

You must understand, two weeks ago I thought I was going to die an Anusara yoga teacher. I had committed to the method with the same degree of intensity that I committed to my marriage. I am a deeply loyal person, to a fault. Two weeks ago, if you had said to me, “Hey Emma, what if John Friend does something really awful? Would that be enough to make you leave Anusara yoga?” I would have replied, “Hell no! Anusara yoga is more than one person, it’s a whole community and a methodology!”

However, here’s the problem I ran up against: the bus is awesome. The people on the bus are awesome. But there is only one driver. Legally, nobody has any right to wrest the wheel from the driver. It doesn’t matter how many people stand up in their seats and call out to the driver. While the fellowship among the passengers is beautiful and meaningful, it will not do anything to remove the driver. And the driver…has problems.

Two weeks ago, I did not realize the extent of the driver’s problems.

In the wake of my resignation, I got a few messages from people who feel betrayed by my decision. I understand completely. If I hadn’t seen and heard with my own eyes what I saw and heard, I would also feel baffled and betrayed. In fact, that’s how I felt when my own good friends resigned a few months ago.

I understand completely, and I say to you: out of love for our amazing method, our wonderful community, I gave this situation everything, everything I had. It broke my heart to leave my friends and get off the bus. But when I weighed the severing of my legal relationship with Anusara against the destruction of a part of my soul, I had to choose the former.

2. The Conflagration

It’s hard for me to convey the horrifying rapidity and intensity of the events during “The Ten Days” (I know, it’s melodramatic. But this situation is the biggest melodrama I have ever seen) between the publishing of the accusations and the beginning of the Miami workshop.

When I think of it, the images that come to mind pertain to fire. During that time, a small group of us worked together to share information, develop consensus, formulate responses, absorb the effects of our responses, reality-check our reactions, consider the very immediate future, and peer into the more distant future.

It was a time of frantic phone calls and emails, disturbing revelations and extreme pressure. Pressure from without, as we tried to process our exchanges with John and our wider community, and pressure from within, as each of us looked into our hearts to face some deeply disturbing truths and ask some very hard questions. There was no time to contemplate, or sit with, or meditate on, or give space to, this situation. Why was there no time? Because dreadful accusations had been made, so dreadful that they required an immediate rejoinder. Because our whole community was waiting, and waiting and waiting for some sign, some indication of how to respond, what to think.

Justin Morgan

In this blazing crucible, I slept maybe three hours a night. Exhausted from 21-hour days of emails and phone calls, plunging vertiginously between hope and despair, I would fall into bed and stare into the darkness, unable to close my eyes. Why was I in despair? Because I love Anusara, and I loved John Friend, and I felt that our current course led into chaos, adharma, ethical degeneration and destruction.

What was I hoping for? I was hoping that the driver would recognize he was lost and receive some input on the route. The beautiful souls on the bus were banding together, communing, baring their hearts, making plans. As I said in my last post, I’ve never, ever been prouder of the Anusara community than I was during The Ten Days.

I am a 35-year-old woman. I have no children. I have been blessed with a relatively easy middle-class life in America in the 20th century. My parents were educated. My family loves me. I have a fabulous job and a deep relationship with a loving husband. I must say that as a human being, I haven’t suffered much in my life. The agony of those Ten Days burned away a part of my being forever. Why was it agony? Because I saw that there was, at the heart of something I cherished and worked at for my entire adult life, a grotesque and disturbing pattern.

Laurel L. Ruswwurm

3. The Jump

You all know the quote: “In order to live, you must be willing to die.” And variations.

Resigning my certification feels like dying. Here’s how it felt when I was making the decision, like a dream: I am running through an inferno to save my child. As I run, the flames get hotter and hotter, burning away my clothes, my flesh, and my bones. My child is gone and all I have left is my soul. Ahead of me appears a cliff. The cliff offers respite from the flames but fear, fear of death. I know in my heart that if I stay in the fire, my soul will be consumed. I jump….

I haven’t landed yet. It’s only been two days.

Some of the people that were running with me jumped too. Those who remain are doing vital work. I admire them so much. Theirs was a route I couldn’t take, but I love them so dearly. I know ho hard they are working to save a child we all love.

For those of us who jumped, a part of us had to die to go on living. In the end, we could not sacrifice our Selves on the altar of Anusara yoga.

Love and blessings to all. I promise I will have lighter, more optimistic things to say in the future.

About Emma Magenta

Emma Magenta is a yoga teacher and writer living in New Jersey. She grew up on a sheep farm in Kansas and attended Bryn Mawr College. She owns and operates South Mountain Yoga studio in South Orange, NJ with her husband. You can find out more about her on her website, emmamagentayoga.com.

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9 Responses to “The Aftermath.”

  1. Julian Walker yogijulian says:

    powerful – thanks for sharing.

  2. Emily Perry Emily Perry says:

    thank you for sharing— we are all sending love and support to the community at large!! om namah shivaya! maybe once we moce away from this shiva energy things will rebuild for everyone…

  3. Carlos says:

    Emma – I am in Beijing at the moment, on the edge of tears. All I want is to forgive – or forget – or both. I honestly don’t know which way to turn. Or, perhaps I know, but wish I didn’t. Thank you for your article. As with your teaching, your words bring me closer to what my heart holds, only waiting for me to embrace it. My gratitude towards you is boundless. Love you.

  4. Jan says:

    Emma,
    I applaud this article. I do want to understand all the certified teacher's decision making. This helps fill in the gaps for me. I think everyone has a valuable experience and perspective to bring to this situation. I know you did what you need to do and now I also understand why. .

  5. innocent bystander says:

    "Love commands us to
    step out into
    nothingness- and
    bears us up"
    Pam Brown 1928

  6. [...] practioner, and it is this education that will outlive its founder and appears to be missing in the Anusaragate conversation. I totally understand the quandary of supporting John Friend and the business & [...]

  7. Nita says:

    Thank you SO much for this article. I have been studying to become a certified Anusara teacher, and what you describe is exactly how I have felt this week, only I am not an official part of the community of teachers, and I feel so lost as to where to turn. So Thank you so very much. This was very helpful. I wish you all the best. A

  8. Jerry says:

    Emma,

    Well written…and thank you for sharing. New life from the ashes of the old. You have the right stuff and the core teachings are valid. Keep them fresh in your heart. you are love and you are loved

  9. [...] My big point in all of this is we must evolve our conversations around sex as much as the all the ot… I see way too many people convincing themselves that being sexually unfulfilled is the norm. We need to get better about talking to our partners about sex! [...]

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