I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I’m hilarious.
I’ve been reading and watching fake news on The Onion for the past decade. Some of them are genius, others terrible and even offensive. But I always get a good, snoring laugh out of some. Here are my Top 10 Onion Pain Killers to date.
Because sometimes life is so f*cking hard that it can only be lived through satire.
1. They say, since life is short (on top of f*cking hard), you gotta’ eat dessert first. I’ve always found it absurd that people would laugh when they hear others curse—What’s so funny, savages?-–until I watched this and rolled on the floor against my will.
And the Satscar (Satire Oscar) goes to…
2. So this is why my love life is so dark and twisted. It all makes sense now. I just wish I knew about it as it is happening and not type about it on elephant journal, once it’s over.
3. Warning: the following is also satire. Don’t stab me. It’s dedicated to all the illustrious scholars who experiment on animals to fill up PhD resumes. I agree. Otherwise, how would we know that electrocuting sentient beings causes pain?
For years, reality has been nipping at the heels of satire. Now, it’s finally caught up. I don’t need to make this stuff up.
~ Paul Krassner
4. Aww, Paul, that’s sweet… except for when you need to. This is what goes between the lines.
I’d like to quote this entire video but… “I’m just some f*cking guy”… “and here’s some footage of congress”…
5. I’m not a mother (yet) but I can’t wait to have cute critters with creepy little fingers, if only to lock them up in this tiny spaceship bubble and shake all the tears out of them, every time they interfere with my work. Hey, it can’t hurt, the FDA just approved it.
“And you stay tuned… because coming right up after the break, we’re gonna learn computers…”
6. I started taking Despondex after my last break-up. My psychiatrist insisted. He said, “there’s no way you can be happy by yourself, you’re faking it and see, that’s just f*cking insane”.
7. If it hadn’t been for Steve Jobs’ genius touch, we would have probably remained Australopithecus. But it’s even harder to picture a present without Apple’s Macbook Clickwheel:
One button. Endless possibilities.
8. Have you voted for President Executron’s reelection yet? Or are you just standing there with your human, perplexed, flesh face, waiting to get electrocuted… again?
9. Welcome to Hell. Here’s your accordion. ~ Gary Larson
(Get on the “Booty Wave” with K’ronikka)
10. But there’s hope for humanity… as long as we remember to be kind to the elderly.
‘Cause it won’t be long until life tricks us into dying and who’s gonna’ feed our cat then, eh?
And satire, ever moral, ever new,
Delights the reader and instructs him, too.
She, if good sense refine her sterling page,
Oft shakes some rooted folly of the age.
~ Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux
Got a favorite? Drop it in the comments. A mutual crack-up is always sweeter than self-cracking.
*Indie Media special help request: If this made you laugh, share the entire link to this piece, not just the YouTube version. You’d do our tired, indie fingers, the best of favors.
Like elephant culture on Facebook.
hot on elephant
July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. Reading This Takes Guts. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD.