I am a Chipotle Expert.
Fox news interviewed me once and right below my name it said “Chipotle Expert.” I swear to God. I’ve been perfecting this for years. And now you get to benefit from my sweat, blood, tears and extra weight.
Joseph Campbell said that to complete the hero’s journey you need to bring it all back home. Without that you haven’t finished — there isn’t closure. So I stand before you as your Chipotle Hero. I have gone through the trenches and done my worst to get a big-a**bowl of food. The dragons have been confronted, the dark nights illuminated, the reflections reflected. I present to you, the Sacred Secrets of Ordering Chipotle.
Smile. Don’t walk up to the Counter of Dreams pouting at the being who is going dish up your dish. If you have breasteses, display them graciously. Get a salad. Don’t let the fools make you feel like a p**** for saying the word ‘salad’. Science shows us that Chipotle Salads are the heaviest food items available. If you want a tortilla then ask–they’ll give you two. And get the dressing. It’s delicious.
Brown rice. No trick, it’s just better for you than that nasty white s***. Both the beans! They try to trick you into choosing one bean type. Say, “both, thank you”. Fajitas! Then they will quickly go from beans to your meat. Tell them to get their a***** back here and give you some fajita mix.
Be excited. You need to be excited about your bowl if your server is going to be excited about it. Bring some energy to the counter. Act like they are making you the greatest food you’ve ever seen. You can’t wait to put that all in your face. Say things like “ohhhh yeahhh” or “that’s awesome!” or “ohh shooot” or “f*** yeah, baby, just like that.” Rub your nipple. The left one. A little harder.
Meat. You can get half and half. Their half-scoop usually rounds up. So it looks something like 54% steak and 55% chicken. For you mathematicians out there, that’s 109% of a salad! Yeah, I broke mathematics with this s***. This is the pivotal moment, so stay excited! This is your protein! You’re nothing without it.
Two salsas. I do mild and medium. and corn. and sour cream.
Guacamole. It’s $1.80 extra, but worth it. A Wholly Guacamole costs like $4.00 at the store and it’s not as good as the Chipotle stuff. If you have sucked up enough and say, “and a huge thing of guac”, they will usually dish you up an entire box of Wholly Guac.
Niceness. Complement, smile, laugh. “Nice tattoo, was your mother really a sailor?” “Great gauges! Looks like you’re pushing a full inch!” “Great technique!” “I like the way you smell.” “I think I’m in love.” “You really know what you’re doing.” “How’s your weekend going?”
So now you know. It’s not my fault if you get a puny bowl of slop. The secrets are yours! I wouldn’t be surprised if you started getting laid more after this. People are attracted to a hefty bowl. You’re welcome for changing your life forever.
My cousin provided a powerful testimony to the power of the Order. “It blew my mind when I saw two guys both ask for the tortillas on the side. They made two burritos with their bowl…”
Don’t believe me?
“I don’t have to have faith, I have experience.” ~ Joseph Campbell
Why dedicate a post on Chipotle to Joseph Campbell? Because I’ve lost touch with reality.
editor: Greg Eckard
Kyle Eschenroeder has recently lost his mind. He once found it in Chipotle. It’s recently been spotted at www.kyleschen.com.