Now accepting applications for Girlfriend.

Via on May 16, 2012

waylon sturman

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, whether you’re happy alone or miserable together, or vice versa…we’re all lonely. As Lily Tomlin put it, “We’re all in this Alone, Together.”

What is the longing for love rooted in, if not a futile, insecure, confused quest for completion? Is this longing I feel, possibly in and of itself, as Pema Chodron says, the raw open wounded heart of basic human goodness? Is loneliness our only inheritance? Is she out there?

After a rough relationship a year or so back, I’ve kept mostly to myself. I’ve only gone out with…maybe six Ladies in three years, and none of those made it past a few months.

I’m tough to go out with. I’m picky. So are you, too, I hope. I’m outgoing, but inwardly focused on workaholicness to the point that folks make jokes about my being in a relationship with my laptop.

I’ve first dated a fair amount, but rarely gone on second or third dates. I don’t want casual anything—it might sound fun, but what I really want is a friend. A match. A partner in my busy-ness, in my joy, in my sadness, in my dog hikes and morning meditation and lunches downtown.

And, a partner in spaciousness.

~

Now accepting applications for Girlfriend.

Must be:
1) beautiful,
2) sane,
3) independent*
yet
4) loving,
and
5) have an infinite tolerance for my being focused on working all the time, ie my being frustratingly ADD about actual real life, ie I am incredibly boring.
6) sane.

My qualifications:

1) um…

2) …I have an awesome dog.

~

*(ambitious/devoted to greater good)

~

Relephant bonus: Eye of the Tiger Silliness with Robert Sturman.

About Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of elephant magazine, now elephantjournal.com & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat." Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword's Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by "Greatist", Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: "the mindful life" beyond the choir & to all those who didn't know they gave a care. elephantjournal.com | facebook.com/elephantjournal | twitter.com/elephantjournal | facebook.com/waylonhlewis | twitter.com/waylonlewis | Google+ For more: publisherelephantjournalcom

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74 Responses to “Now accepting applications for Girlfriend.”

  1. climblaughlive says:

    If I had only known, I would have introduced myself at Pizzeria Locale the other day…darn.

    • elephantjournal says:

      If I had only known, I wouldn't have gotten their amazing (vegan) pizza all over my face.

      • missmatchblogs says:

        Vegan pizza on your face just shows that you are a passionate and dedicated pizza eater and is hardly a romantic deterrent.

  2. jennyjenjen says:

    Whatever! Your qualifications are too many to list. I call BS on that wimpy little list.

    • elephantjournal says:

      Hah. I like style–I think style is important. Oh, and I think I forgot to mention: they need to be sane.

      • jennyjenjen says:

        No no no silly goose. YOUR qualifications. You are way more than an awesome dog. You have hung out with me several states away, that is pretty damn awesome. So you should list "awesome friend," "honest person," "full of integrity," etc. etc. etc. the tons and tons of things you should be listing about yourself.

  3. Amy Carole says:

    Waylon, you know, maybe it's time you get to a YogaDates event…I'm totally serious. And our first Boulder event is Friday. How timely!

  4. mark says:

    Not only am I a yogi, but I am a marketing writer. Let's work on your pitch, man.

    • elephantjournal says:

      I don't pitch, and I don't sell. But advice always welcome! This was, if anything, meant as a joke…came out of a convo with Chris Courtney, my designer Pam Uhlenkamp, and a few elephant staffers who have seen me be (cough) a workaholic loner more and more over the last few years.

  5. vanessafiola says:

    Waylon, you're awesome.

  6. elephantjournal says:

    #
    Dana Carter you forgot one other requirement…uhmmm, single

    #
    Tracy Debra Betts I a glad that you are feeling better, AND you are really hilarious

    #
    Waylon Lewis Dana, hah, yes, that is a requirement! No suffering for nobody, suffering ruins lovefun!

  7. Renee says:

    You have list your sign, ascendant and moon. Sheesh! What kind of new age post hippi yogi buddhist are you?

  8. What about;
    Someone who can take mountain creek mud and concoct a balm to massage my feet with, all while humming my favorite Pre-1970 Stones tunes.

  9. Laura says:

    wow Chris- that criteria must have been in a Deida text that I neglected to read before you. Good one. wow ;)

  10. Waylon, sometimes we don't see what is right in front of us…May I direct you to the left hand side of the screen?

    You have a bevy of beautiful women to choose from: The hot 93 year old yoga teacher, the light eyed freckle faced wabi sabi goddess, the MILF with the 7 year old and 3 year old hanging off her tits, the girl that likes to masturbate, the girl that can't get off her floor, and the painted yogini. I mean, come on! Knock SANE off your list(cause who really is) and reel her in elephant man! :-)

    • Kim Stetz Kimstetz says:

      you're hysterical , rebecca! but, i've got to go with Waylon on sane appearing twice on the list. i personally go for the functionally neurotic vs. psychotic. getting a handle on those differences is very helpful.

  11. faye says:

    waylon, you don't know me and i only know you through your writing. and from photos. i am totes! in the same boat, looking for a man with the same qualities, esp being ambitious/devoted to greater good. i am not suggesting anything more than just letting you know that you are not alone in this quest for a mate/partner in crime. but hey, at least you are in the states where i think you have a better chance. me, on the other hand, in germany. and if you know anything about it, you can understand what i mean. good, good luck for you and me and all the peeps like us out there.

  12. Andrea Balt Andréa Balt says:

    You forgot one item on the list.

  13. Nicole Sanderson says:

    age?

  14. @tom_zorro says:

    Well Waylon, at least your not disabled – so your already one up on me .

    Unless your Prof X or Some Brilliant Professor or Peter Dinkalage ( and i doubt even Hawkings could get laid ) the options are out of your hands ( literally sometimes )

    What spiritual lesson does that say about luvvv today , because it seems no one is above that attachment to materialism & perfection ( and yes im talking the new age , shaman , post hippie Buddhist and whatever crowd too )

    tom

    • elephantjournal says:

      Well, to be fair, both Prof X and Dinklage are welllll loved by the ladies (and gents).

  15. @tom_zorro says:

    I know love is not lust, but does that matter when you got a face like a hens arse , or physically incapable – I think it does , and Id challange any one here to say otherwise.

  16. Lori Wasserman says:

    Very clever! All the perks of internet reach without all the ickiness of internet dating sites. You're going to be inundated with possibilities…then all you have to do is sift through and suss them out ;) By the way…how are you still single? You're smart, successful, mindful, spiritual, handsome….

  17. elephantjournal says:

    Via Chris Courtney: A funny pearl of wisdom from my buddy Fred Johnson: Relationships are sometimes like a deck of cards. They start out all hearts and diamonds – and end up with a club and a spade….

    o
    Rhonda Leigh how about the joker?!…lol

    o
    Waylon Lewis In my case, they end in good friends (98% of the time) and crazy scary (1% of the time). The other 1%? I'm waiting.

    Chris Watkins the sane is incredibly important. :)

    #
    #
    #

    *
    Sara Turk bah haha.. welcome to my world, Waylon..
    13 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    *
    Holly Vanidevi Troy Waylon is still looking? aw. He seems sweet enough, though I do recall him mentioning in an article he wanted something like 7 or 13 kids or something . . .
    13 hours ago · UnlikeLike · 2
    *
    Chris Courtney Please share this widely – this man needs help! :)
    13 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    *
    Kate Fields Bartolotta His dog is pretty awesome. That should have been #1 on the list of qualifications.
    13 hours ago · LikeUnlike · 1
    *
    Tobye Hillier He's Buddhist and dresses to the right, that's all you need to know….
    13 hours ago · LikeUnlike · 1
    *
    Barbara Kirk How does one dress to the right?
    11 hours ago · LikeUnlike · 1
    *
    Mary Fitzsimons hes too picky! he wants a woman 10 yrs younger , pretty,good job(trust fund will do) and no previous kids.
    9 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    *
    Tessa Marie Aqua Hi Waylon, Out of curiousity, is being a non-vegetarian a deal breaker? :)
    4 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    *
    Christina Bouajila If the Buddha dated" is a great book for anyone dating,looking to read(o;
    3 hours ago · LikeUnlike · 1
    *
    Tobye Hillier It's an old tailoring term Barbara ;)

    *
    Waylon Lewis Kate, it was! It was my only qualification.

  18. Carolyn says:

    Love this, Waylon! If only it were that easy, right? Makes me want to do a boyfriend one. See what I'm twirkin' with. Maybe you are on to something here. mindfuldating.com, anyone?

    • elephantjournal says:

      Maybe! Many have suggested it, and an article about a Chinese dating site in last Sunday's NY Times was super interesting—many great connections, helping empower women in that culture.

      As Groucho (sorta) says, most mindfullers might not want to belong to any dating club that might have us. Better just to let it happen, or not?

  19. @maitrihouse says:

    What kind of benefits will I receive if I am accepted for the position? And how well do you tolerate sass? Ha ha ha.

  20. Jill says:

    dearest Waylon…if I was only 10 years younger and single…you are a gem and any girl would be lucky to have you…just remember to worship the goddess ! and maybe I need to send you Arielle Ford’s book Wabi Sabi Love!

    love your soul sister!

    Jill

    PS–um maybe lose the Rocky video…us hip new age chicks want a lover not a fighter. ;-)

  21. Bold move, Sir. I can only imagine what your inbox must look like right now. Side note: I can relate. Being a 39-year-old single/never-married/child-free woman is an interesting place to be.

  22. Alanna says:

    Waylon, If I was still a single woman I'd apply for the position! Alas, my Navy SEAL husband might not be so pleased. ;) Seriously though, good for you for putting yourself out there with honesty and a well thought out understanding of what you are looking for.

    FYI, I personally love your writings and am consistently inspired/entertained/called out by them. You are a rare find. March on my friend!

  23. Lisa says:

    I'm a little disturbed by "beautiful", and coming from you I would never guess it could be…. shallow. Can you define what you mean by beautiful?

    • elephantjournal says:

      Well, it means I'm attracted to them, and they're attracted to me. Don't tell me one of the qualities you look for in love isn't beauty, whatever that means to you?

      For instance, there's a scrawny short-shorts wearing bearded 85 year old man who jogs through my neighborhood most mornings, with an elderly pal or two. He's beautiful. If I were an old lady, I'd bag him.

      • Lisa says:

        I was pretty sure your meaning wasn’t the airbrushed, much-too-skinny, traditional, and all that version of beautiful that has been a burden to woman for so long. I thought it would be nice for you to clarify, and thank you. And yes, I am a human being driven somewhat by biology/instinct/whatever, when seeing an attractive man in the traditional sense, thinks something like “wowie, I wonder what THAT’S like?” But the real captivated wowie happens after knowing someone and seeing the entirely of their beauty – thinks something like “wowie, HE IS SO BEAUTFUL” (insert cartoon hearts here).

  24. Sagejessicamurphy says:

    I’m with Lisa though I am not “disturbed” by the comment- just curious what beautiful means to you. Your lists (both of them) are far too short but you sure did get some attention.

    Waylon, you are a silly goose.

    • elephantjournal says:

      Let's put it this way, ol'friend: I'm not talking merely about external beauty, though attraction is vital.

      If she's conventionally beautiful on the outside, but not "beautiful" on the inside, that is not the "beautiful" I'm referring to above. The same would apply, I would think, to the men in your life's history.

      My list is only personal, and honest. Honesty is another quality I'm attracted to. As for political correctness (you know, fear) is a turn off.

  25. barb says:

    Just this evening a friend mentioned that love is like a fart, if you have to put too much effort into it… It's probably shit. It will come when it is time. Be patient, grasshopper.

    • elephantjournal says:

      Amen. Fave comment yet. Loneliness is incredibly good for workaholicness, and right now elephant still needs my focus.

      • Mary says:

        LOL! My favorite too!

        and to mr. elephant-man: workaholism can serve like a monastery, to protect one from what can't possibly be managed… ;-)

  26. rjs12 says:

    You have got to be kidding…right? What are you offering her…someone who says he's a workalcoholic? Honey…wakeup…smell the roses. If you want that kind of woman…offer that kind of man in return! Like attracts like…make room in your life for beauty, love and joy. Be willing to nuture the relationship, and you will have the best love has to offer. (Loving advice from someone who really knows this stuff…a recovering workalcoholic.)

    • elephantjournal says:

      #1, you're right, and that's why my relationships don't last. Work gets in the way. I talked about that specifically, if you read what I wrote (click the "spaciousness" link, for more). The entrepreneurial way of life often results in some loneliness. It's a sacrifice I've made for 10 years now, knowingly.

      That said, my work is about sharing life, beauty, love and joy with others, rather than merely seeking those things for myself.

      Consider respecting those who are devoted to their work(aholicness), if it be of some benefit…you wouldn't tell a parent to worry about their baby and night, less, and go get a life?

      • rjs12 says:

        Of course, I say this with respect. But also trying to 'nudge' you a bit. Think about it. Would you answer an ad written by a women who describes herself that way? Or were you kidding? Good heavens. There needs to be room in your life for a relationship…if this is what you truly desire, right? No healthy self-respecting woman wants to be told “I'm a workalcoholic, have no time…but I want you.” How is that suppose to work? I would be very careful of a woman who would accept that offer…just saying.Joy,Rebecca Smith, M.Ed.cell: 206.399.5277 office: 800.522.5382 or 502.207.3151website: <a href="http://www.interventionrecoverycoaching.comwww.interventionrecoverycoaching.com<br />”Each of us must learn to work not just for one self, one's own family or one's nation, but for the benefit of all humankind…It is the best foundation for world peace.” Dalai Lama(sent from my iPad)”This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and legally privileged information.If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, copying, or distribution of the message is prohibited and may be unlawful. Please contact the send

        • faye says:

          wow. now that is putting someone in their place however respectively. not sure i agree 100%, though. i mean, we all want to feel loved by someone unconditionally and we all go about it in different ways, seeking out that one with different intents – desires to be filled, wishes to be granted. what waylon is saying is that at this moment in life, he knows who he is, warts and all. he has found his purpose and is not pussy-footin' around about it. and i trust he is a smart man that will realize, when necessary upon meeting that one, that compromise is an essential ingredient. he wants to find someone worth that special ingredient. i think we are all willing to bend if there is worth in it – giving/receiving, cause/effect.

          • rjs12 says:

            Well Faye,If this is acceptable to you, go for it. I personally would want a partner with a more balanced approach to life, relationships and self-care. Also someone who had time for me. My belief is relationships take time and comittment, and my beloved should expect the very best from me…warts and all. I say this from experience.Blessings and joy!Rebecca Smith, M.Ed.cell: 206.399.5277office: 800.532.5382 or 502.207.3151 <a href="http://www.interventionrecoverycoaching.comwww.interventionrecoverycoaching.com<br />(sent from my iPhone)”This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient, please destroy all copies of the original message.”

  27. Pooh…geography isn't helping me here! I'm in the UK? Plus as a fellow workaholic I'm not sure how we'd find the time to connect. Wishing you luck in your quest & hoping you find love…

  28. whereonearth07 says:

    I think you should actually make an application. Women love to talk about themselves, so if you have potential candidates write down their life histories, you can go on like 10 dates in one night without even leaving your laptop.

  29. brennagee says:

    You are brave and truthful. I too, have a penchant for spaciousness (see my blog – space2live.net). There is nothing sexier than an independent individual with deep-rooted passions. I am just starting on a path of freedom and independence but understand the real desire for a friend/companion, someone with to share the beauty of living. Peace to you. Enjoy the search.:)

  30. denjay says:

    you seem to have yourself…..isnt that enough?

  31. Mary says:

    the problem is that when you find one who meets you in spaciousness, it's a crapshoot who will be the one who first wants more proximity. Impermanence is the LAW.

    good try, though ;-)

    whatever happens? I would encourage you to let go before you get there… Otherwise, it just gets more interesting!

  32. Orca JayP says:

    I signed up for an online dating sight for 3 months some time back. Most depressing stressful 3 months. And all I hear from people is that's the way to meet my man/match! Ugggg I dream of being out hiking, kayaking or at the dog park, doing what I enjoy and locking eyes with The One. My list is he should be easy to look at, not look like he is 6 mths pregnant, sane, loving, likes to putter in the garden, likes the outdoors and not looking for someone to do all his cooking and cleaning. Sounds simple….but not so easy.

  33. SNG says:

    I am very compassionate and understanding towards your role and impact within the community of journalism, yoga, Buddhism, social service work, etc. etc. With this being said, it is important that your time and energy are valued at all times.

    With this being said, I am curious as to whether there is a specific 'Girlfriend Application' or if you would like to receive personal resumes and cover letters stating our incredible past experiences while engaging in the roll of girlfriend. Along with this, of course, I am sure it is imperative to also provide an extensive cover letter as to why one might feel that they are the exact candidate you are looking due to similar interests, etc. Yes, I personally know that I am independent, hard-working, etc. and truly know I fit all of the qualifications for the job. As well as understand that I still need to remain confident and strong about receiving such a prominent and successful occupation.

    Please feel free to be as explicit as possible regarding how we can all best assist you in moving forward with the process that applying for this wonderful opportunity.

    Thank you very much for sharing your personal beliefs and knowledge about the never-ending roller-coaster that exists for us all due to relationships in all forms.

    Please let us know how one might best reach you in regards to such loving matters.

    It is very much appreciated and I personally look forward to applying for this wonderful experience.

  34. Melinda Matthews Melinda says:

    I think you may have inspired a new post for me about the whole relationship dynamic. Thanks!

  35. [...] But that’s not vital to the kind of relationship I’m looking for. [...]

  36. Katherine says:

    I always had a little crush on you since Wanderlust CO 2012. Just sayin'.

  37. Tricia says:

    The only problem I see (coming from the perspective of a couples therapist) is that no woman will enjoy, understand or tolerate being second and third to a laptop and a dog (hey! just saying, I love my pooches.) In general, we (speaking for womankind) like to feel valued, honored, beloved and adored. It's hard to be in second place to anything when we are in love, resentment grows and seeds of contempt grow. Balance and the middle path are also important constructs for relationships. May I suggest reviewing The Sound House diagram developed by Drs Gottman, it's a great (albeit ancient in terms of modern day info graphics) visual of how to make a relationship last. Wishing you luck in your quest.

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