Yoga Festival Packing Checklist: Top Ten Things to Bring.
Overall, yoga is all about union: you know, fitting in.
1. Wear Feather Earrings or hair extensions that come from abused chickens and whose faddishness is adversely effecting fisherman (who are often the best environmentalists among us). Feathers in your care say “hippie” about as eloquently as driving an SUV to your yoga class does.
Photo: Hanuman Festival.
2. Practice your favorite Spiritual Materialism Catch-Phrases. Jai Hanuman! Namaste! No need to know what it means, so long as you say it enthusiastically—as if you were saying “Fuck Yeah!” Bone up on your spiritual treefort password lingo (you don’t need to know what these terms mean, but make sure you pepper them throughout your normal watercooler talk): namaste, efficacy, peace, love, open up, resonating, what else?
I’m a bit weak on this one, please leave comment below with other good terms.
3. Pack really tight pants that show off your yoga butt. Yoga is all about lookin’ hot: do your best to look the part of your chosen hippie sorority. Extra points: ridiculous flare at bottom of your yoga pants is optional.
If you’re a guy, make sure you have a spiritual tat: yoga chicks dig sensitive tough guys with mysterious back stories and rock hard, shaved chests.
Photo: Brad Coy.
4. Practice your “Naropa Hug,” a term I coined (I get 5% whenever it appears in print).
Step one: stare into one another’s eyes, touch your heart and shake your head silently.
Step two: approach respectfully, while mentally making plans for fucking later that night.
Step Three: Hug. Do not Pat on Back. Commit. Holllld. Hug tight, but gently.
Step Four and this is key: keep your eyes closed while hugging.
Step Five: keep hugging.
5. Don’t keep it Real—keep it Happy. Whoever is loudest and happiest, they’re cool. Go be with them and do as they do, or you’ll be lonely, awkward, vulnerable.
6. Pack a few Sir Richard’s condoms, and try to get laid. You’ll fail—getting laid is only for the really cool people, or the really desperate people, and as usual you’re right in between, living a safe, fake, boring life. So much for your big getaway weekend.
7. Go up to every yoga teacher after class: see and be seen. Say how wonderful they are and how they touched your heart—doesn’t matter what, unless you’re hot, they won’t care…this is simply about being seen talking to the teacher, and the teacher being seen having a big long receiving line.
8. Spend $1,000 bucks, give or take, for a total of maybe five yoga classes over three days. No, this is not a good deal, even if your parents forget they’re also footing the bill for a motel with your friend and plane fare and food and cab rides.
9. Get lots of overly packaged samples that you can throw away. Hurting the environment with packages labeled “coconut” or “natural” is so awesomely ironic, it’d be funny, but humor isn’t a prerequisite at these conferences.
10. The only real requirement is that you’re to be absolutely wonderfully joyfully exuberantly positive about everything. DO NOT be negative about anything. Suppress genuine-ness or integrity or truly open heart in favor of business, making money, PR, marketing, hype, and happy facebook posts on your and their Walls after the fact.
Remember: yoga is an industry, a demographic—and not merely a spiritual path or a way of life. Grow up.
Relephant Bonus: elephant’s hometown favorite, The Om Collection.
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
Christine Baker: 7th grade all over again.
This is a great list of reasons why I love the Flagstaff Yoga Festival, because its a festival for the rest of us!
lol! so true. especially that cloying saccharine attitude, item #10. as if yoga turns people into stepford wives, and that includes the men.
Stepford Yogis! bahaha! But seriously…
A-to-the-freakin'-men!
Errrr….I hope it is not like that
I am going to a festival in a few months! I mostly practice by myself so haven’t been exposed to this whole “thing” yet.
Don't get me wrong: festivals are amazing opportunities to study with a range of amazing yoga teachers, and meet amazing mindful eco companies, and have fun, and meet new people…it's well possible to swim below the surface, where most of the silliness happens.
Hilarious! More buzz words/terms:
co-create
sacred space
healing
intention
spiraling
co-create – classic, 1 point
sacred space – 1 point
healing – 2 points, use it rampantly ie "this spirulina is so healing"
intention – 2 points, use it allll the time
spiraling – 5 points for proper use in a sentence, only for advanced users.
Bummer, can’t make it this year. Promised I’d help with the spider money vivisection experiment in the lab that weekend. Give my regards to Hanuman.
But I did have some favorite catch-phrases –
“Step into grace.” (even if it’s brown and gooey, and smells rather ominously like dog shit).
“I’m working on being mindful.” (actually, someone needs to mind ME because I may do something bat-sht crazy)
“It must be your dharma” (Or your raging fucking ego, either way,I’m steering clear of it)
“I need to honor these feelings” (No you don’t, you need to stop acting like such an asshole)
“You’re so present.” (I can’t seem to get rid of you)
“Your handstand rocks!” (Wow, I got to check out your entire body)
“What would John Friend say?” (this was grand-fathered in, in case someone’s been offline the past 6 months)
Perfect! Stewart mind if I add them to my vocab?
I need to honor these feelings.
~Mamaste
You go, Mama! BTW — your name is quite clever. Somebody I know came up with Namastay-away – which I thought was funny…..
TY YogaSamurai…
Yes, they do say I am quite clever, among other things
~Mamaste
Namaste, Stewart. Your comment cracked me up—I know humor is less valued in the yoga community than the aping of deeply felt spirituality, but…namaste, motherf*****r.
Simian vibes my Brother!
possibly the best post yet!
This stinks!
Okay!
I like how the one comment by someone who seems somehow offended by the above farticle and subsequent commentary doesn't or can't really back it up with any relevant commentary of their own that may help people see things differently. Thanks for contributing.
She may be suffering from "Post-Anusara Stress Syndrome"? You end up with a form of verbal Tourette's, in which you're incapable of expressing anything other than knee-jerk monosyllabic responses to perfectly intelligent perceptions. It's the damnedest thing! I hear it may be incurable actually? Pity.
Thanks for putting it so well, as always!
what I always dislike about these lists is that it somehow demeans everyone…so every truly happy person that uses any of what you have termed "catch phrases" and genuinely knows what that mean…for every person that really does want to connect with a teacher… for every person that feels healed or moved or enjoys the connection this "making fun of it" sort of ruins it for everyone doesn't it??? it just feels so full of assumption and it feels a wee bit ugly…maybe I'm just naive but couldn't we move past high school and not tear people down? and/or presume what their experience is? If you see people that you presume aren't genuine just don't hang out with them…I don't know it feels too much like the mean girls to me…:(
So now if I go to festival and I say namaste are you going to assume I'm a poser? if I'm at a festival and I'm goddamn freakin happy the whole time I'm there (;cause it;s vacation) am I faking it? Not sure how "mindful" this makes any of us — oh sorry not sure what other word to use didn't mean to use a catch phrase…
Don't let the weirdo's get in the way of being weird. If you find your festival to be transformative (buzz word 2 points )and you co-create (1point) a sacred space (1point) and say namaste (.25points) to others, know that your glow is something that people want, they may become jealous and do what the jealous do to feel better about themselves. Either way, be, and let be, as the only concern should be within yourself. Go enjoy yourselves at festivals, enlarge your circle with joy and happiness and bring that love back home. Home to your small circle to help spread the goodness all our communities need.
thank you
you said i tmuch better than my words," this stinks"
[...] Yoga Festival Packing Checklist: Top Ten Things to Bring. [...]
So funny I was crying but also a big fat bummer that the majority become yoga sheep and become worshippers. Student, then Apprentice, then Journeyman comes Waaaay before Master folks.
[...] {Click for more tips on what to pack for your journey… ~ Ed} [...]
"Remember: yoga is an industry, a demographic—and not merely a spiritual path or a way of life. Grow up."
Thanks for the laugh.