Belief in Love: A Confession. ~ Mischa Allen

Via on Jul 26, 2012

once upon a time...

I once heard “belief” defined as “existing ideas that we hold on to. Something we hold as real or true.

Something like…love.

If you ask me, I’ll tell you that I believe in love. I always have. I believe in that moment of connection between two people when your heart starts to pound; you hold your breath and you feel that telltale stirring down below.

When I hit puberty and suddenly grew in cup size and leg length, I not only believed in love (c’mon, I read Forever, who didn’t?), I enthusiastically employed this new power my body had to feed that belief. I quickly realized that open legs combined with a smart-ass attitude was a deadly combination. And I started to believe, a lot. I believed in love in dark movie theaters, the backseats of cars and midnight visits through my bedroom window.

As I got older, my belief was tested. Each heartache, infidelity and deception chipped away at my trust, but I was always proud in the fact that, while the lines of love and sex were starting to blur, I still believed in love. Every time I laid on my back for a new face, I believed I could find an open, meaningful connection…and boy was I open to love!

At the height of my fervor I believed in love several times a week and often with several different people. Sometimes I participated in belief “groups.” I would have lengthy online chats with fellow believers where we would send each other pictures of how much we believed in each other.

Last year, love once again beat the crap out of me.

I was starting to question why, even with all of my outreach efforts, I was still alone. Why had love been so elusive? Why had love not believed in me?

Disillusioned by the thought of flawless love

One afternoon, while I pawed through a box dug up from storage, I came across a journal from 1994. The opening pages talked about the days surrounding the Northridge earthquake and my relationship with a guy we’ll call Roger.

Now, the background here is that my memory of my relationship with Roger is just spotted moments of casual hook-ups and drunken booty. I remember really liking him, I would even go so far as to say I was always pining for “more,” but while I remember him enjoying my company, I also remember him with one foot out the door. Always ready to drop me for a call from his friends or the next set of fake tits to walk by. This is my memory of him.

But when I read the journal I saw repeated entries about him calling daily, spending entire weekends with me and about grand romantic gestures made by him that I casually dismissed with a sharp comment. Apparently we had frequent conversations about “us” and our future.

Then in one particularly chilling entry I wrote about a fight we had because he was upset that I didn’t believe that he loved me. In my own handwriting, I read “…Whatever. He doesn’t love me, he just loves fucking me.” It took my breath away—was I really that blind? I started recounting memories of other relationships that seemed similar and began to question them all.

I sat there, on my living room floor, 17 years having passed, realizing with shocking clarity that sure, I always claimed to  believe in love… but I’ve never had faith in it.

unmade bedNow, I’ve heard faith as defined as “looking forward with hope for what is to come.” So, if I’m really honest here, what I didn’t have faith in was that there was love for me. I had fooled myself into believing that every time I added another notch to my bedpost I had opened myself to the possibility of love, but that was bullshit. I hadn’t opened myself at all. I had denied my faith.

So, I had a decision to make—keep following this ultimately lonely path or find my faith in love. Is it easy to grow and change and let go of old habits? F*ck no. Old habits are comfy and safe. It is still much easier for me to believe a stranger saying, “I choose you, you’re amazing,” while I lie naked underneath him than it is for me to look at myself in mirror and say the same thing.

I can easily look a man in the eye and ask him, “Do you want me?” while I stroke him and press myself against his chest, but how the hell am I supposed to ask him, fully dressed and standing in line at Target, “Do you want me?”

I suppose it’s not about “easy” anymore.

It’s about knowing that even though laying it on the line means that I accept fully the possibility of the devastating heartbreak and soul-crushing embarrassment of love, it’s also about accepting fully the possibility of what I really believe in, what I really want—that true connection between two people, that moment when your heart starts to pound, you hold your breath and you feel that telltale stirring down below.

 

A meat-eating, whiskey-drinking yogi, Mischa considers herself less of a yoga teacher and more of a yoga enabler. While her passion for yoga runs deep, she’s never been the “sandles and candles” type. As a matter of fact, if you ever hear her talking about your kundalini rising, just wait for the inappropriate joke soon to follow. Mischa teaches yoga in the SFV and Greater Los Angeles areas and has recently launched an organization focused on providing free yoga therapy to returning Veterans struggling with PTSD. She currently lives in Sherman Oaks with her loving and talented boyfriend and their dog Doug.  Need to know more? You can find her atwww.YogaWithMischa.com.

~

Editor: Anne Clendening

 Like elephant love on Facebook

About elephant journal

elephant journal is dedicated to "bringing together those working (and playing) to create enlightened society." We're about anything that helps us to live a good life that's also good for others, and our planet. >>> Founded as a print magazine in 2002, we went national in 2005 and then (because mainstream magazine distribution is wildly inefficient from an eco-responsible point of view) transitioned online in 2009. >>> elephant's been named to 30 top new media lists, and was voted #1 in the US on twitter's Shorty Awards for #green content...two years running. >>> Get involved: > Subscribe to our free Best of the Week e-newsletter. > Follow us on Twitter Fan us on Facebook. > Write: send article or query. > Advertise. > Pay for what you read, help indie journalism survive and thrive—and get your name/business/fave non-profit on every page of elephantjournal.com. Questions? info elephantjournal com

3,411 views

Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use super-secure PayPal - but don't worry - you don't need an account with PayPal.)

16 Responses to “Belief in Love: A Confession. ~ Mischa Allen”

  1. Posted to Elephant Love & Relationships on Facebook.

    Lorin Arnold
    Blogger at The VeganAsana
    Editor for Elephant Food and Elephant Family.

  2. solfulsoul says:

    powerful. "what you need, I hope it finds you!"

  3. tuttirudi says:

    Yes!!! Thank you.

  4. elepitical says:

    For me, I had to truly love myself. I realized I never wanted a relationship again that was going on just those feelings of down below- because it always led to more suffering. Anytime I desired, or sought out love from around me it came from my own emotional wounds. It took a bunch of healing but I choose to be sovereign in my own power and not need a relationship to make me feel whole. That has required a hell of a lot of soul searching and letting go of ego/wounds to live more "real" love from my heart. That is the only real love – the kind that is not based upon suffering, but just at peace and willing to give…

  5. Mischa Allen says:

    Beautifully stated and I wholeheartedly agree. Self-love and honesty of self is what it took for me to finally find the love that lifts and enlightens. :-)

  6. kalypsokrystal says:

    How true this is…what we think we believe and what we 'practice' daily can often be polar opposites…and belief in oneself is the key in almost any case. Thanks for sharing your experience and your thoughts.

    • Mischa says:

      If we could bring the two in line what a life we could live don't you think? :-) Thank you for the beautiful comment.

  7. Dace says:

    Lovely story. Meeting another true soul is not easy but possible if one trusts life and lives the best version of oneself.

  8. Tom Grasso tomgrasso says:

    Posted to Elephant Main FB page…awesome article! :)

  9. [...] Belief in Love: A Confession. ~ Mischa Allen (elephantjournal.com) [...]

  10. [...] morning, I read this article by Mischa Allen of Yoga with Mischa in southern California. In her author bio in Elephant Journal, [...]

  11. [...] I read this article by Mischa Allen of Yoga with Mischa in southern California. In her author bio in Elephant Journal, [...]

Leave a Reply