I have a longing inside of me that I will no longer deny.
I long to feel in general. Feel people for who they are. Love them for who they are. Know them for who they are.
Sometimes I feel as if all of the cells in my body are on overdrive. They are zipping around, banging off of each other, and there is no rhyme or reason in their frantic flight.
Each individual cell yearns for something unseen, untouched, unheard.
Yearns with such passion and desire that individually, as a whole, they fly around searching for whatever it is that I need at that moment until I feel as if I am going to fly apart if I don’t find that thing, or get it, or even just understand what it is I want.
I feel so unsettled.
I want and need to express myself, but I am not always sure of how to do it.
I may want to write. Pour out every thought and feeling that is flooding through me until I can finally sigh with relief that I have created something good.
I may want to go—just go anywhere but where I am at in that space and time. Usually I can envision this in my head as backpacking through Europe, gazing out at the people walking by as I sit in a cafe on the Champs Elysee, staring out at the Celtic Sea from my favorite spot on the southern Irish coast, siting in Lotus pose in an ashram in India, feeling enlightenment course through my body.
As I get older I find that much of what I want is feeling. Emotional feeling as well as the feeling of physical touch, both of which I had always repressed, kept locked tightly up in a little box inside of me and no one had the key—least of all me.
I got a wild hair a few years ago and embarked upon my own journey of personal growth, bound and determined to unlock the box and scatter my demons.
Little did I know how difficult that journey would be, but I have persevered…sometimes I have had to take breaks to work up my courage again, but I am not giving up.
I long to feel hands on my body, stroking, stoking the fire, and uncaring of the fact that I am no longer 20 and svelte, until I burn up from the inside out and fly away like ashes, reborn again as our breathing slows.
I long to understand, accept, and know the true meaning of unconditional love for myself and for others, and for them to see that I am not perfect but am learning not to judge and to love them for who they are.
I feel all of this and more.
I feel it in my core, I feel it in each cell, and I feel it and want to fly apart until I can bring it under control again until the next time I want to fly apart again.
I am a mom, a teacher, a wanna be yogi/writer/poet/photographer, I am a factotum, a closet introvert, a single world traveler, a lifelong learner and flirt. I am who I am without apology. Follow me if you’d like on my blog or Instacanvas.
Editor: Elysha Anderson