10 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Single.

Via on Aug 30, 2012

{Adult Language Ahead—Very Adult}

I want to verbally lash her with the f-word.

As soon as I hear her say, “I remember what it was like to date. I am so happy with my husband,” I want to beat her like Rocky in the title fight with the Russian.

You know what, go fuck yourself! Fuck your happy fucking relationship where you can hang your hat and reflect back on your dating life as a pastime. Further, take your happy fucking relationship out of my fucking face.

I have been told, “You are so strong.”

To which I reply, “That is my only option.”

I could march around like every other single thirty-something woman and attempt to live on the campaign, I am just investing in me and focusing on my work right now. But I know that is bullshit. If you so much as offer to carry my groceries for me let alone fuck me until I see god, I’m going to want to shack up with you.

I have focused on me to the point I have astigmatism. I have taken all the steps to become an interesting person. I can even amuse myself with irony. The pure reality of it is that sometimes I am more interested in the life I could be living than the one I currently exist in.

Nestle up to the fire kids, because I am about to outline Why It Sucks To Be Single.

1. Dating: I hate dating. I hate the farm to factory way we date in the 21st century. If someone told me that the rest of my dating life would look like never leaving puberty, I would have started a heavy drug habit long ago.

Instead of passing notes, I get a two sentence text-message arranging a time and place to meet up. I’m not sure if I am going on a date or figuring out where to bury the body.

We have already started out on the wrong foot. Fuck it, you are sitting down and I am dragging my feet. The whole arrangement stinks of licentious ambitions soaked in as much effort as it takes to make yourself cereal for breakfast.

And the stupidest part is, I agree to it and then post my stupid agreements to Facebook.

2. Facebook: You are a mother fucker. In fact I’m sure there is a fan page for “mother-fuckers” and I have yet to “like” it.

Thanks to you I found and reunited with my first love who is now my latest ex-lover. Thanks to you I can post my pathetic musings at one a.m. and hope that the person I am interested in will read them and somehow want to marry me after he decodes my carefully crafted tag-lines that are also linked with pictures of cats doing stupid things. You have now mainstreamed stalking and turned my friends into reconnaissance warriors scouting pages for the post that says, “I want her back.” I would have never known my ex was in a new relationship if it weren’t for status updates. You have taken passive-aggressive to a whole new level. So, thanks for that Facebook.

3. Grocery shopping/weekly chores: “Hum, what shall I eat tonight?” I’ll take a double of mac and cheese with a side of table for one. Would I like help carrying these upstairs? “It’s cool I got it.” In fact, I will cook, clean, do laundry, balance my check book and rub my own feet. Fucking fantastic!

4. Other happy couples: It is unfair that the representation of my crushed dream gets to walk down the street holding hands on their way home to have the eight hours of amazing sex that I am about to download off a free porn site and then turn off five minutes into watching it because I feel like an alcoholic drinking alone in the dark cold void of solitude. Fuckers!

5. Masturbation: I am a pro at getting myself off and knowing what gadgets to use. But, I just spent the day running my own business, cleaning my house, getting my car repaired, creating a sustainable business plan, doing yoga and eating right, and now I have to give myself a hand job? Suffice to say, I am overworked and it is turning into a chronic condition.

6. Activities: Besides shitting, I pretty much prefer an activity partner. It’s a Friday night and the pubs are full. Let me just belly up to this bar by myself and talk to my whiskey. Um, no thank you. In this case, having someone to do fun things with is like adding ice cream to pie; it just makes it better.

7. Creepy men: When you are with a good guy who will watch your six, you have a built-in labia blocker. No creepy guy is getting past your man-shield. “Thanks for taking the creep bullet babe, now let’s go home and have sex!” If you don’t have this, then you can always travel in packs of girlfriends, but someone is going to be taken out by the ever-heard-of-double-penetration-call-me guy.

8. My parents: When you’re single, this is standard parental conversation.“How are you honey? Who are you dating?” “Shit ma, I just came over to borrow some Tupperware, and yes I will bring it back!”

9. Religion: “Hold up. You are telling me that I can’t have sex until I marry someone?” That is like telling an innocent man he has to do hard time in order to get laid. I’m not bending down to pick up the soap. I prefer body wash and I want someone else to be rubbing it on me while telling me how sexy I am. I’ve yet to read a verse in the Bible talking about that.

10. Divorce: Some people my age have been married twice already! It’s like they are fishing in a hatchery and I have been ice fishing all these years. That being said, being single after being married is a whole other article.

I’ve got my bridle and saddle ready boys. Just let me know which one of you lucky fellers is going to let me ride you into the sunset. Yee-haw bitches!

But for real, for a good time call….

Author’s note: Life is a parody of itself unless the decision is made to make it serious. Say what you will, and so will I. Thank you for reading. 


Editors: Lori Lothian and Anne Clendening


And for everyday loneliness:



7 Things I Learned from Staying Single.



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About Rebekah McClaskey

Rebekah is an intuitive (psychic) relationship counselor. Essentially she helps people solve their big life problems including but not limited to "Why am I here", "How can I get what and where I want", and all other things psychics, therapists, and coaches tend to tackle--AKA, existence. You can follow Rebekah & Breakup Rehab on Twitter, here. Rebekah published a no BS book for the relationally challenged called: Break-up Rehab: Start Over Stronger. The book is available to download or or purchase on Amazon & Createspace.com. Not only can you buy this rad book, you can also connect with Rebekah at her website, on Facebook page and on Twitter. If that wasn't enough, she also hosts skype and phone sessions. Rebekah currently resides in Encinitas, CA.


81 Responses to “10 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Single.”

  1. Elaina says:

    So, so funny!

  2. Blue Frustration says:

    Gah, at least you’re having sex. Try being an unintentionally celibate male.

  3. Cat says:

    This was hilarious and so spot on – you are my spirit animal! Thank you for the very heartfelt laugh!!

  4. Lisette1024 says:

    OMFG this made me lough out loud sooooo hard. Brilliant!

  5. kamikaz says:

    yes, Thank you! i dig all that, i mean.. l live all that!
    when i hear smug people with families on top of that asking me why i did not find a man to have kids earlier, when i still could, i clench my teeth. The men i was in relationship with at the right time weren't "ready" "too young" or "not interested in a family", while my motherhood- time was running out aaaarghh.. those guys now have kids at 45 with younger women. How can you not want to slap people who throw comments of "should have" or "it wasnt meant to happen"in your face? its always us women who are found guilty, we're either "nuns" or "sluts", labelled"desperate" or "loners".can't win.
    Saying that, I got used to be single and make the best of it, even creating my own business(never thought id have the guts). Still, "who's gonna drive me home tonight (and give me a good cuddle)" like in the song..

  6. kamikaz says:

    to the point, well done for putting that in a hilarious way xx

  7. Emma says:

    loololololol. hilarious!!!

  8. Maria says:

    Embrace yourself! When you reaize your true potential in being comfortable alone, great tings will happen: you will have fun going out by yourself, you will be proud of yourself for fixing your car, you will be open to the possibilities that go far beyond fucking some random dude. You will become comfortable leaning against the trunk of your own oak tree. THAT is when life becomes fulfilling and meaningful.

  9. Mark says:

    Rebekah, did you find a partner?

  10. HCLO says:

    Awesome and hilarious, I feel your pain! Love it, thanks~

  11. Cicely says:

    Absolutely loves this and I am with you. Newly divorced and just likeI never wanted to date again. Ah well… thanks

  12. Colleen says:

    This is perfect! As a take care of myself mid-thirty’s woman, I am inclined to agree with this completely. I don’t know what’s worse, when people pity me for being single, or envy me. I must say the only thing worse than dating is having to attend weddings because you are stuck with the decision to either suck it up and go alone, or bring your best unemployed guy friend who doesn’t care if he looks homeless! Your honesty is refreshing and hilarious…Thanks for putting it out there!

  13. Paris Purcell says:

    Yes, being single some days can break you into tiny pieces. I agree, first loves are very intoxicating.

  14. pithewaterwarrior says:

    Amen, so fucking true. Twice divorced, just got dumped, and I hate being single. I hate not knowing when, if ever, I will have sex again, or doing all these chores myself, and I am sick of "masturdating".

  15. HonestBestAnswer says:

    Well if there weren't so many high maintenance independent women that are very selfish and spoiled these days, then many of us good men would definitely be able to meet a good woman that Can accept us for who we really are which would make it a lot Easier for us.

  16. Pat says:

    This goes for guys as well… I can't tell you how many first dates I've been on lately. As much as we both seem to be having a good time, I get I've decided I'm not ready to date or I've been seeing others as well and decided to be exclusive with someone else.

    There are plenty of women out there that I'm attracted to and decide to take a chance with, but it doesn't appear to be worth it anymore.

  17. liesl says:

    sorry you are not enjoying your singledom…… after having been dating or married to someone for the past 24 years….. i love it!! and masturbation is a lot easier and cleaner than sex, with a guaranteed result 😉
    i do miss kissing though. that is something that requires a partner and chemistry. but i still say the pros outweigh the cons.

  18. B Germain says:

    Sitting in 13D on a loaded plane… Laughing loudly

    Let me know which pub you hit on Friday :)

  19. Stephanie says:

    OMG, this is all me! SO tired of being single, tired of weddings, tired of all oft he above. But this truly lighten my outlook on it all.

  20. Candice says:

    For a moment there I thought that I wrote this. I might just punch the next tool bag that tells me “at least you dont have to deal with….” Awesome!

  21. Lola says:


    This is the most brilliant, brutally honest, fact filled article….EVER!


  22. Pete says:

    Well, good luck in finding a guy, a gal, an android, or whatever turns your crank. Finding a soul mate is not easy now-a-days. We live in a weird word, where all too often, there are people you cannot trust. So, keep looking, but be careful! They say that all good things come in time.

  23. Beth Alta says:

    The self help industry has really made a killing on making people believe they don’t love themselves enough to be loved. Shaming desire. In fact, other than fight or flight, the desire to bond and procreate are of mammals most primal instincts.

  24. Mike Crowley says:

    So true! Thank you for sharing, be single can really sick and it helps to hear others feel the same. They say misery loves company, and being single is doubly true. Your alone so miserable, and single so no company! I hope you find some happiness and peace.

  25. Great Rebekah! …..I'm married and I bloody still love it!! CheersNicole

  26. Sarah says:

    Yes. Yes. Yes. You are a legend and I love you.

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