10 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Single.

Via on Aug 30, 2012

I want to verbally lash her with the f-word.

As soon as I hear her say, “I remember what it was like to date. I am so happy with my husband,” I want to beat her like Rocky in the title fight with the Russian.

You know what, go fuck yourself! Fuck your happy fucking relationship where you can hang your hat and reflect back on your dating life as a pastime. Further, take your happy fucking relationship out of my fucking face.

I have been told, “You are so strong.”

To which I reply, “That is my only option.”

I could march around like every other single thirty-something woman and attempt to live on the campaign, I am just investing in me and focusing on my work right now. But I know that is bullshit. If you so much as offer to carry my groceries for me let alone fuck me until I see god, I’m going to want to shack up with you.

I have focused on me to the point I have astigmatism. I have taken all the steps to become an interesting person. I can even amuse myself with irony. The pure reality of it is that sometimes I am more interested in the life I could be living than the one I currently exist in.

Nestle up to the fire kids, because I am about to outline Why It Sucks To Be Single.

1. Dating: I hate dating. I hate the farm to factory way we date in the 21st century. If someone told me that the rest of my dating life would look like never leaving puberty, I would have started a heavy drug habit long ago.

Instead of passing notes, I get a two sentence text-message arranging a time and place to meet up. I’m not sure if I am going on a date or figuring out where to bury the body.

We have already started out on the wrong foot. Fuck it, you are sitting down and I am dragging my feet. The whole arrangement stinks of licentious ambitions soaked in as much effort as it takes to make yourself cereal for breakfast.

And the stupidest part is, I agree to it and then post my stupid agreements to Facebook.

2. Facebook: You are a mother fucker. In fact I’m sure there is a fan page for “mother-fuckers” and I have yet to “like” it.

Thanks to you I found and reunited with my first love who is now my latest ex-lover. Thanks to you I can post my pathetic musings at one a.m. and hope that the person I am interested in will read them and somehow want to marry me after he decodes my carefully crafted tag-lines that are also linked with pictures of cats doing stupid things. You have now mainstreamed stalking and turned my friends into reconnaissance warriors scouting pages for the post that says, “I want her back.” I would have never known my ex was in a new relationship if it weren’t for status updates. You have taken passive-aggressive to a whole new level. So, thanks for that Facebook.

3. Grocery shopping/weekly chores: “Hum, what shall I eat tonight?” I’ll take a double of mac and cheese with a side of table for one. Would I like help carrying these upstairs? “It’s cool I got it.” In fact, I will cook, clean, do laundry, balance my check book and rub my own feet. Fucking fantastic!

4. Other happy couples: It is unfair that the representation of my crushed dream gets to walk down the street holding hands on their way home to have the eight hours of amazing sex that I am about to download off a free porn site and then turn off five minutes into watching it because I feel like an alcoholic drinking alone in the dark cold void of solitude. Fuckers!

5. Masturbation: I am a pro at getting myself off and knowing what gadgets to use. But, I just spent the day running my own business, cleaning my house, getting my car repaired, creating a sustainable business plan, doing yoga and eating right, and now I have to give myself a hand job? Suffice to say, I am overworked and it is turning into a chronic condition.

6. Activities: Besides shitting, I pretty much prefer an activity partner. It’s a Friday night and the pubs are full. Let me just belly up to this bar by myself and talk to my whiskey. Um, no thank you. In this case, having someone to do fun things with is like adding ice cream to pie; it just makes it better.

7. Creepy men: When you are with a good guy who will watch your six, you have a built-in labia blocker. No creepy guy is getting past your man-shield. “Thanks for taking the creep bullet babe, now let’s go home and have sex!” If you don’t have this, then you can always travel in packs of girlfriends, but someone is going to be taken out by the ever-heard-of-double-penetration-call-me guy.

8. My parents: When you’re single, this is standard parental conversation.“How are you honey? Who are you dating?” “Shit ma, I just came over to borrow some Tupperware, and yes I will bring it back!”

9. Religion: “Hold up. You are telling me that I can’t have sex until I marry someone?” That is like telling an innocent man he has to do hard time in order to get laid. I’m not bending down to pick up the soap. I prefer body wash and I want someone else to be rubbing it on me while telling me how sexy I am. I’ve yet to read a verse in the Bible talking about that.

10. Divorce: Some people my age have been married twice already! It’s like they are fishing in a hatchery and I have been ice fishing all these years. That being said, being single after being married is a whole other article.

I’ve got my bridle and saddle ready boys. Just let me know which one of you lucky fellers is going to let me ride you into the sunset. Yee-haw bitches!

But for real, for a good time call….

Author’s note: Life is a parody of itself unless the decision is made to make it serious. Say what you will, and so will I. Thank you for reading. 

~

Editors: Lori Lothian and Anne Clendening

Like elephant Love on Facebook.

About Rebekah McClaskey

As an Intuitive Relationship Counselor, I help revolutionize relationships by changing the way break-ups are experienced. I guide my clients in uncovering the wisdom they already have so that they can move forward with purpose and power. I'm the proud Author of Break-up Rehab: start over stronger. The book is currently in production and I need support. You can learn more at my Indiegogo Campaign page. Thanks for reading. If you want more of what I have to share contact me at my website, connect with me on my Facebook page and on Twitter.

39,990 views

Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use super-secure PayPal - but don't worry - you don't need an account with PayPal.)

50 Responses to “10 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Single.”

  1. Tatum Bacchi tatumann says:

    HILARIOUS! I totally love it! "Instead of passing notes, I get a two sentence text-message arranging a time and place to meet up. I’m not sure if I am going on a date or figuring out where to bury the body." Yes, yes, yes!

  2. Marilyn says:

    Thank you for such a great laugh! Well-written, honest and very true. I love your style :) cheers!

  3. Musing Now says:

    Spot on!!

  4. Kirsten says:

    Once married and now divorced, I can really really relate to this. And the separate article about folks like me, please write that because THIS was a laugh I needed and I could use another.

  5. sonyata says:

    "Hum, what shall I eat tonight?” I’ll take a double of mac and cheese with a side of table for one."

    Very funny. But I know all too well what you are talking about. Good luck, and thanks for sharing:)

  6. kgd says:

    WHy are you single?

  7. Luna says:

    thank you. Someone needed to say it.

  8. Orlandina says:

    I don't remember as funny sentences about singlehood since Morrissey :)

  9. Debbie says:

    I'll take the risk of sounding like a broken record on here by saying BRAVO! A dead-on, hilarious interpretation of singlehood – I too, can't wait for the single after married article. Dating makes me want to go back to my ex! (not really, but you get the point!)

  10. Kristina says:

    Funny, I was JUST talking today about how I would love to have some freaking help with the household chores or carrying the groceries! I hear ya sista! Well done. ;)

  11. Rana says:

    This was brilliant and so on point! :) also once married and now divorced, would love to read the one about 'us'! :)

  12. oz_ says:

    Best piece on being single ever! Funny, poignant – and most of this applies just as much for men – looks like we're all in this together. ;-)

  13. cathy says:

    really on the money and funny..
    it truly does suck doing i tall for yourself, by yourself , tho its better than beign wiht a downer, bad health-er, wont do yoga-er.. but still I get it completely. And hope as you live, release sadness and contineu to go out the door into the big bad sometime slonely world that your uniqueness will flourish.

  14. louieconnor says:

    Funny, I was JUST talking today about how I would love to have some freaking help with the household chores or carrying the groceries! I hear ya sista! Well done. ;) casinos paypal

  15. timful says:

    Hilarious! The good news is that if you stay single long enough you get quite used to it. The bad news is that if you stay single long enough you get quite used to it.

  16. Hypatia99 says:

    Ha ha! The worst is when the smug married people offer suggestions on how you can meet a guy ("is there anyone single at your work?") as tho you were too stupid to think of obvious things on your own. Also, stop being so picky. If a guy is single and NICEthen just fall in love already!!

  17. Cesare says:

    Awesome!! There isn't enough anger on this website so thanks for sharing.

  18. Love Others says:

    Ever consider trying service? There are tons of people who could use that love and care; it's a good way to learn how to use your supply of it instead of just whining about what you're not getting. Get your mind off yourself and your whole perspective will change. And bring in some gratitude!

  19. Guest says:

    People are so quick with this response, when all they know about a person's life is one small snapshot. People tell me this all the time. If I would just help people more, I would have a perspective and be happier. I am a social worker, work more hours than I am paid to do, and volunteer in my spare time. To help others any more would be unhealthy. My boss is always trying to get me to help people less.

    For all you know, the writer of this article could spend her entire life helping others… oh wait, looky here: "Rebekah McClaskey is the creator of Break-up Rehab and the founder of Transform Now Counseling. She graduated with her Master’s in Counseling from Naropa University in the spring of 2011. Rebekah has four years experience in the field of psychology and she specializes in transforming suffering into victory." Thank you and good night.

    • mel says:

      yea this is in response to commenter "Love Others" and guests response. Right on. We've backed ourselves into a corner where being "conscious" and "present' means that we're never allowed to have a bad day, cuss, or just gripe a little. We can't always be bursts of sunshine and happiness running around giving and servicing others. Its ok to have a space to share common frustrations and laugh if all involved are up for supporting each other. We're huma.n we dont have to be "filled with gratitude" every waking damn moment. Save your tsk.tsk. energy.

  20. Katherine says:

    I love you!!!

  21. Michelle says:

    so flipping funny!!! i loved it!

  22. Pamela Lynn says:

    Oh this made me laugh so hard. So true.

  23. Willow says:

    hhooooo my god i fucking love you rebekah! this is fucking hilariousness! the best part is hearing your voice in my head saying all these things! i was laughing out loud! you are awesome! and you'll find your man someday when you least expect it! i just know it! <3

  24. Willow says:

    and of course the images i got in my head…. laugh-out-loud priceless. thank you!

  25. Dusty says:

    Ohhh….that fucking felt great. Thank you so very much. You're brilliant, beautiful, and bestowed some nice little nuggets of knowledge/humor for us to share. For that, I would take pleasure in rubbing your feet and would lather you as well, even if I were completely blind.

  26. CHM says:

    This article is my life!!!

  27. [...] Now that the Beyonce song will be stuck in your head all day (sorry about that), I have an important question to ask you, “Would you want to date yourself?” [...]

  28. AbsolutelyRight says:

    well loneliness is certainly no fun nowadays, have to agree.

  29. AbsolutelyRight says:

    well loneliness is certainly no fun nowadays, have to very much agree.

  30. sordog1 says:

    When I got divorced and I honestly expressed some of the same things you have expressed in this writing, I was met with all kinds of crap from people who claimed that they did not "need" another person to be complete and that they were perfectly content to do things on their own etc. Hooray for them. I am more like you.

  31. ArcticMermaid says:

    Awesome! I needed to read this one! I live in a small town where EVERY freakin person around me is in a relationship, and I'm like "You don't get it."

  32. krista says:

    wonderful! thank you!

  33. Julie says:

    So true! I laughed out loud at the musturbation one and the activities and the Facebook one and the… ok I laughed through all of it!

  34. Jen says:

    I hear ya sister!

  35. lols says:

    Any people wonder why 30 year old women are single. Lols

  36. Paul says:

    Loneliness certainly sucks after a divorce, especially after being married for such a long time and now having no one.

  37. aj_atom says:

    Just when I was going to throw a pissy b**** fit about being flaked on again, I literally Google “you are single and it sucks” and up pops your list. You, my dear, are awesome. I too wonder why you are single but then remember that most of the women I’ve read who are awesome are single. Have you gotten the “you are intimidating?” Because that’s the new one. Oh and I’ve apparently hit the “are your standards to high?” phase now. Yes, they are. Put the seat down, try to stay employed and don’t be a serial killer are such high standards. Lol. Thanks again, ma’am.

  38. Jamie Khoo says:

    I LOVE THIS. So funny, and so exactly the way I have been thinking about being single. It sucks that I am reading an article about being single, on a Saturday, home alone (after, incidentally, meeting up with a hot guy who then just walked me to my car and said bye and walked off to his car). Yes, it totally sucks being single.

  39. Megan says:

    Perfect. This is actual brilliance. Why? Because it's honest. I'm single and certainly love pretending that I'm 'doing me'…but, at the end of the day, it would be nice if someone else would 'do' me…and then make me pancakes.

  40. Erica says:

    OH MY GOD fantastic. hilarious. perfect. thank you so much for saying this out loud :-)

  41. Marry says:

    I know why you are not married ? Eventhough you are smart & funny but you swear too much ! This also made most men think you are tough and hard to deal with . Also this article stated you want relationship so you have someone to carry your groceries, satisfy your lust….. All pointed to selfishness.

  42. Jenny says:

    freakin' nailed it.

  43. jennifer says:

    yeah … you rock. :)

  44. jackie says:

    sooo funny!!!! and soooo true! I am in my 40's and have given up completely! Dating sucks!

  45. Tania says:

    I don’t evenn know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great.

    I don’t know who you are but definitely you are going

    to a famous blogger if you are not already ;) Cheers!

Leave a Reply