Nine Yoga Classes You Couldn’t Pay Me to Take. ~ Michelle Marchildon

Via on Aug 25, 2012
When I hang upside down from strangers, it needs to be in low light.

We are near the end of the summer slow-down when many yogis abandon their studio to play outdoors. But that’s not the only reason yoga classes are coming up empty. Here are nine classes you couldn’t pay me to take advertised recently in Colorado.

1.Acro Yoga. This involves hanging upside down partially clothed on a strange dude’s feet, usually in broad daylight. I only hang upside down from strangers when I’m nearly naked in very low light, as in the dark. After a certain age, gravity is not your friend.

2. “Reversing Our ‘Curse’: Revealing the key to your unbridled powerful womanhood through the magic of your monthly cycle.” Just to be clear, I can’t make this stuff up. Besides, I already reversed the curse by living past it.
3. Women-Only Yoga. I just really like men, and I like them even more in Downward Facing Dog.
4.“Body Poetry: For Experienced Teachers Seeking Extremely Advanced Poses.” Actually, I did take this class and it turned out to be about touching your toes, which I could already do.
5. Empowerment Yoga. If I was any more empowered I’d be eating my young.
6. “Piercing the Sphincter of Shiva.” I know I read this somewhere. Maybe I dreamed it? Or was it offered at Wanderlust? I think it has something to do with Kundalini yoga, or maybe it was Tantrick?
7. “The Womb Sourced Power of Feminine Wisdom.” Again, when it comes to my womb, nobody’s home and I like it that way.
8. Yoga for Teens. I live with them. I definitely don’t want to take yoga with them.
9. Women and, take your pick: Empowerment, Sisterhood, Grief, Community, Sensuality etc.  Again, I just really, really like men. And we wonder why more don’t come to yoga?

And one class I’d like to take:

“Restorative yoga for the hung-over mom, who stayed out too late, ate way too much gluten-filled pasta, and generally feels like crap.”  And if there’s a man in the room who still thinks she’s hot, then even better.

Let me know if you find it.

~

Editor: Kate Bartolotta

Like elephant yoga on Facebook.

About Michelle Marchildon

Michelle Berman Marchildon is the Yogi Muse. She’s an award-winning journalist, and the author of Finding More on the Mat: How I Grew Better, Wiser and Stronger through Yoga. Her second book, Theme Weaver: Connect the Power of Inspiration to Teaching Yoga, is for yoga teachers who want to inspire their students. Michelle is a columnist for elephant journal and Origin Magazine and a contributor to Teachasana, My Yoga Online and Yoga Journal. She is an E-RYT 500 with Yoga Alliance and teaches in Denver, Co where she is busy raising two boys, two dogs and one husband. You can follow her on Facebook at Michelle Marchildon, The Yogi Muse. You can find her blog and website at www.YogiMuse.com. And you can take her classes on www.yogadownload.com.

2,479 views

18 Responses to “Nine Yoga Classes You Couldn’t Pay Me to Take. ~ Michelle Marchildon”

  1. Annie Ory says:

    I would take Acro-yoga, just for fun, but I wouldn't hang upside down facing down over any man, and I understand why you wouldn't want to also;)~

    For the rest of them I'd apparently be at the bar with you.

    • lisa says:

      i actually did an acro yoga class a few yrs ago and if you go to youtube there are some VERY old (1920s era) videos of acroyoga..it is not a new thing per se. they just didn't call it that at the time. i did a bow pose perched on a guys feet. it was awesome. and scary. and i would do it again! luckily in atlanta we have a couple of very amazing teachers who provide excellent and safe instruction. i highly recommend trying it at least once.

  2. Edward Staskus says:

    I have heard of something called Internal Cleansing Yoga, which begins with everyone drinking a giant mug of warmed saltwater. Even though I convince myself 3 times a week to go to the Bikram studio, there is no way I am going to do down dogs with a bellyful of warm saltwater.

    • ann says:

      erm…anybody who's done a saltwater cleanse knows that this is a recipe for disaster! i hope the class is equipped with lots of toilets!

  3. Wilhelm says:

    That was funny! I really like your writing style. I too get a kick out of some of the language used to market yoga classes. I was once told by a yoga teacher that she “empowers people” for a living. I almost peed myself holding on the laughter.

    • Wilhelm says:

      I meant, "holding in the laughter". Anyway, I joke about that situation and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having that intention, to empower people, but it just sounds to me a little like someone declaring themselves a genius. Also applies to words like "legendary" and "master" that I've read in some teacher bios.

  4. YoginiMoon says:

    No one form of yoga is right for all people, and I respect your choice not to do/try AcroYoga, but your characterization of it is overly simple. I'm in my forties and have been practicing AcroYoga for 3-4 years; I love the practice because it fosters communication, trust, playfulness and community (among other things). It "brings up" very different things than my solo asana practice and has been immensely empowering. I can honestly say it has changed my life. Try it or not – it's up to you, but it really does have a lot to offer.

    And you can do it with as much clothing on as you like. =)

  5. cathy says:

    Acro yoga does not require that anyone be scantily clad.

  6. Michelle, thank you for making me laugh…again!

  7. Michelle Marchildon says:

    I am usually afraid to read the comments, but you guys all made ME laugh! Thank you. And you know what? I'd try Acro Yoga too. Just not where anyone can see me. There are certain parts of me that do not look better upside down.

  8. Matt says:

    I read your bio on your web site and I like your background. Anusara, Power, Baptiste. A very potent combination of experiences and skills.

  9. Ashley says:

    Parts of this are very funny! I will say, however, though I have never taken an (intentionally) all-woman or woman-theme-centered yoga class, I absolutely see the purpose and beauty in communing this way with our sisters…. and I believe part of that purpose is to escape our fixation on being considered "hot" by males.

  10. Daisy says:

    I understand that you are aiming to be light and funny….mission accomplished. But your words and tone also feel a little irreverent and mocking towards your fellow yoga teacher. I wonder how you would feel to have a similar article written and the specific name of a yoga class or workshop that you created and teach as an offering inserted and ridiculed. Even if in good fun.

  11. Anonymousyogi says:

    your list plus:

    Caponyasa
    Yogacallanetics
    Bootcamp Yoga
    Yoga-Winetasting (I;m a teetotaler)
    Paddleboard Yoga (even though I swam frequently for over a decade)
    Inner Goddess Yoga

    … and that's because I actually want to ENJOY myself doing yoga …

  12. Lisa H says:

    Love the article. Just bought your book & amazon swears it will be here this week. :-)

  13. Alison Colyer says:

    Your article made me laugh and years ago I would have been with you 100%. But …as I age I am developing a bit more tolerance for my fellow yogis. Yes some things are not my particular bag – but each to their own!

    On a slightly more serious note, I do see the need for all women yoga classes – I've taught Pregnancy Yoga for a few years and that taught me a lot about the different energy that women bring. So – I'm now on your hit list because I teach a few well woman classes! These are wonderful spaces for women at all stages of life to restore, renew and revitalise. I'm with you on not wanting to overdose on womb worship or loving our menstrual flow – but a quiet space with some female energy has been scientifically proven to help us release oxytocin – so it can't all be bad!!

Leave a Reply