We are near the end of the summer slow-down when many yogis abandon their studio to play outdoors. But that’s not the only reason yoga classes are coming up empty. Here are nine classes you couldn’t pay me to take advertised recently in Colorado.
1.Acro Yoga. This involves hanging upside down partially clothed on a strange dude’s feet, usually in broad daylight. I only hang upside down from strangers when I’m nearly naked in very low light, as in the dark. After a certain age, gravity is not your friend.
2. “Reversing Our ‘Curse’: Revealing the key to your unbridled powerful womanhood through the magic of your monthly cycle.” Just to be clear, I can’t make this stuff up. Besides, I already reversed the curse by living past it.
3. Women-Only Yoga. I just really like men, and I like them even more in Downward Facing Dog.
4.“Body Poetry: For Experienced Teachers Seeking Extremely Advanced Poses.” Actually, I did take this class and it turned out to be about touching your toes, which I could already do.
5. Empowerment Yoga. If I was any more empowered I’d be eating my young.
6. “Piercing the Sphincter of Shiva.” I know I read this somewhere. Maybe I dreamed it? Or was it offered at Wanderlust? I think it has something to do with Kundalini yoga, or maybe it was Tantrick?
7. “The Womb Sourced Power of Feminine Wisdom.” Again, when it comes to my womb, nobody’s home and I like it that way.
8. Yoga for Teens. I live with them. I definitely don’t want to take yoga with them.
9. Women and, take your pick: Empowerment, Sisterhood, Grief, Community, Sensuality etc. Again, I just really, really like men. And we wonder why more don’t come to yoga?
And one class I’d like to take:
“Restorative yoga for the hung-over mom, who stayed out too late, ate way too much gluten-filled pasta, and generally feels like crap.” And if there’s a man in the room who still thinks she’s hot, then even better.
Let me know if you find it.
Editor: Kate Bartolotta
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