The Elephant in the Room isn’t Ganesha. ~ Tara Viceconte

Via on Aug 30, 2012

What it’s Really Like to be Gay at Yoga.

“So, do you have a lot of brothers?”

It was an odd question, seemingly out of nowhere. We had just finished a small yoga class, and this is what the substitute teacher asked me as I was re-layering to face the winter weather.

“No, just a sister.”

“Oh. No brothers? Did you spend a lot of time with your dad or uncles?” More odd, invasive questions.

“Well, no, I’m not close to my father, but I did have uncles around. Why?” Now I’m confused, and honestly, a bit irritated.

“I wanted to know why you are this way.”

To this teacher, “this way” is clearly something she doesn’t understand. “This way” is her way of referring to having a female student who has a masculine appearance, not a celebration of a Lady Gaga song.

A chubby, square jawed, men’s-clothes-wearing, tattooed (although, I might add, adorable) butch woman just spent an hour and a half folding, balancing and back bending with a small pack of the more traditional feminine appearing women one might expect to find at an evening yoga class. And it scared the sh*t out of her.

I have noticed when I am in a yoga class and there are no men, I become the guy in the room by default. I am hyper- aware that I am spoken to, adjusted, treated in partner yoga and referenced by my “butchness” and sexuality.

If there is a spider in the room, it will be my job to hunt it down and ignore the yogic credo of ahimsa, (yes, this has happened more than once).

*****

“That’s so gay. That is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. Who would want to wear that? It’s disgusting. Ugh, gay.”

This came from another student who was sitting across from me as we waited in the hall for a women’s only yoga class. She was reading a magazine and having a loud, inappropriate conversation about the pictures right across from me. After each “that’s so gay,” she pauses and looks at me to see if she can engage me in an argument. This dredlocked, vegan, essential-oil-wearing, hyper-feminine yogini is already disgusted by my presence at the women only yoga class.

I don’t bite. I’m not there to argue.

Later in the class when we end up paired together for partner yoga, I don’t drop her in her back bend, even though I really, really want to. I racked up enough karma killing the spider.

*****

During a week long yoga retreat with a group of well-known teachers, I noticed halfway through that every conversation with one of the teachers ended with, “Whew, you have a lot of masculinity!”

The first time it was amusing. The second time confusing and forced me to question, “How butch and scary am I?”

After the third time, my hand was up for over 30 minutes in an afternoon workshop with a question and answer period.

People were picked all around me, many who had raised their hands long after me. Before long, time ran out and I was completely ignored.

Normally, my yogic-centered self would just think that we were out of time, and that I should appreciate the workshop itself, even if I didn’t get to ask a question.

Not this time.

I spent a good two hours crying alone in a tent in the middle of a “forresty-nowhere” because I thought my appearance was so off-putting that I couldn’t be allowed to speak. And on top of this, a group of teachers who I spent years respecting, admiring and dreaming of working with had ignored me.

Am I really so “manly” that it surprises and threatens people when I have a pretty vinyasa flow going? Am I growing a beard that I am unaware of? If I am, should it matter?

I know it seems unlikely that I was not called on because of my queerness, and I can see now that that was not the case, but after hearing all week about my “masculinity,” at the time it felt like I was out of place. At the time, it appeared a very real possibility that ripped out my core. I needed a hug, or at least to talk about it. At that point, however, I was too ashamed of myself to even ask the friends I had made at the retreat.

Who would want to hug this?

*****

I am a part of the yoga community, yet a chunk of the yoga community can’t handle me.

There are teachers and students who will preach acceptance and non-violence until their “OM” chanting faces turn blue, but my choice of wearing men’s athletic shorts instead of women’s can throw them off for the entire class. It’s disheartening.

I want to teach yoga.

Now I have to wonder, am I too masculine to be accepted as a teacher? What if this package turns off too many students? Should I maybe go back to wearing some earrings and hope this brings some type of balance? How deep is my voice? Do I walk differently when I think I’m being watched?

I don’t have any answers right now. What needs to happen is a very honest conversation about these stories, the countless others not in this article and the many that you have endured or witnessed.

It’s time to start this dialogue. In fact, it’s long overdue.

 

 

Tara is an educator, yogi, and feminist activist in Buffalo, New York. She is currently a Doctoral Candidate in Global Gender Studies at the State University of New York, where she has taught classes on contemporary feminism and women’s health. She is working towards a global shift away from patriarchy, colonization, and systemic oppressions towards acceptance, love, health, nature, and community through writing, teaching, yoga, music, movement, and laughter.

 

~

Editor: Thaddeus Haas

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9 Responses to “The Elephant in the Room isn’t Ganesha. ~ Tara Viceconte”

  1. Kathy says:

    The way you were treated is appalling. I am really speechless, I can't believe you'd be treated this way – especially in a yoga class. What about acceptance and karma and loving everyone. Hell, what about common courtesy? Manners? And they made you kill the spider? Sounds like where I used to work – next time, save the spider and put her outside. That's what I used to do. "Why don't you just kill it?" "Why? It's just a bug, I can put it outside." Totally freaked them out.

    I think you should take up teaching yoga – you might find that people will show up who are gay or overweight or over 50 with stiff joints who would appreciate some realism.

  2. Steve Clark says:

    Dear Tara, thanks for posting about your experiences. I'm writing to let you know that there is at least one yoga community that's different. Specifically, we have a designated insect remover who is a hetero-sexual female biology teacher. She likes bugs and likes to be the one to get some of them out of the room for us consciously. Our bug remover is only one of the many hetero women in our group who keep their hair very short and their attire very masculine. Even so, the non-teacher leader of our community is a single lesbian "fem." She's a great hugger. So is the one "butch" lesbian in our group. She's probably our best hugger. I hope it's obvious that I'm not telling you this to make you jealous. I also realize that our group may be singular. I don't know. I just wanted you to know that a yoga group like ours exists.

  3. cathy says:

    I am really sorry for the first sub mis-speaking an dher unawareness of how her words were interpreted.
    Also at the retreat. As scary as it will be and may seem a dialogue with each person is important.

    I am not in your shoes, but in my own shoes of older, slightly fatter.. get my own hurts which I get to and have to deal with as thye come. i surround myself and study yoga from those who are nto afraid or diminishing to me. Good wishes to you

  4. Jean Marie says:

    Thank you so much for the beautiful and heart wrenching piece. I would hug you if I could! Ps- I’m sure you are beautiful

  5. ann says:

    really well-written, thoughtful and thought-provoking piece. i don't honestly think you would, but please don't change a single bit of who you are and how you present to the world around you for any other reason other than your own personal whims! there's a crapload of ignorant fools out there, some of them masquerading as enlightened yogis. please teach yoga – but teach as yourself – not, as the first poster suggested, for people who are "gay or overweight or over 50 with stiff joints," but more importantly for the "dredlocked, vegan, essential-oil-wearing, hyper-feminine yogini[s]" who could truly benefit from learning a thing or two.

  6. Vision_Quest2 says:

    Behaving cisgender is overrated in the larger society; since the larger society is little by little taking to the yoga mat – including all their conformity, pecking-order rules, and Lululemon in tow … it's high time for a showdown.

    Except, with this one, bridges to understanding can be built and everybody wins this fight!

    In time, it certainly would make commercial yoga safe for me, as a student, again.

  7. tomcat says:

    "I know it seems unlikely that I was not called on because of my queerness, and I can see now that that was not the case"

    i wonder that you second guess yourself & give them the benefit of the doubt….

    i identify as femme & yet sometimes i still feel masculine-by-default in my yoga classes. give yourself the benefit of the doubt, find yourself a more inclusive yoga scene

    onward & upward :0)

  8. Carol Horton carolhortonbooks says:

    Tara, I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I hope that you can find a more supportive community that appreciates you for who you are. Some of us want alternatives to the ultra-feminine "yoga goddess" model – I'm very proud of the fact that one of my favorite yoga teachers is on our city's top roller derby team and teaches kettlebell as much as asana!

  9. Annie Ory says:

    I feel called to ask where you live? I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. There are communities that are accepting and communities that aren't. I don't believe any of this would happen in LA, or NY, or for that matter in certain neighborhoods in any big city. I don't think people should have to move to be accepted for who they are, or that anyone should have to explain themselves to anyone else, or that you are to blame for not submitting to whatever ideas they may have of how you should look, dress, move, talk, whatever. I hope you find a yoga home where you'll be treated as exactly what you are, a yogi. I hope you find the acceptance we all seek, and deserve. If you're ever in LA, you can find it at my studio, and no one will think twice about your sexuality, let alone feel called upon to ask you to explain yourself. Peace sister.

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