“I Do Everything I Can to Be Loved!” ~ Deborah Lange

Via on Sep 9, 2012
listen up
Photo: Wendy Copley

Take a back seat and listen to your own words, while discovering hidden treasures and power through listening deeply to yourself as you live your life!

The other day, one of my clients, Meira, said something to me about how she gives up everything in order to get her partner’s love.

Immediately, I stopped her and asked her to listen to what she was saying:

“I give up everything because I want him to love me. I try to do everything for him to get his love.”

She listened, and then groaned, “Oh, I am trying to control how I get his love.”

Me:   “Yes, and how is that working for you?”

Meira:  “It is never enough. He always wants more. He says if I really love him I will just do everything for him. The problem is I never have anytime for me. And I am never good enough and it is never enough. Then I don’t have time to get my business off the ground, so then I am dependent on him for money even though I do all the domestic work. He expects me to ask for money, nothing goes into my bank account or a joint account. It is terrible I feel like I am on a merry go around and I can not get off.”

Me:  “Meira, you just said that you are not good enough. Do you really think you are not good enough?”

Meira:  “No, of course I am good enough. I just feel stuck on this merry go round and I can not get off.”

Me:  “Let’s stop for a minute and listen to the words you used. Pretend you are listening to someone else saying, ‘I try to get someone to love me.’

Do you really think that you need to do things for a partner to “get” their love? Think about it for a minute.

Who do you really love? Do they have to do anything for you to be loved by you? Or do you love them for who they are? Do you only love your kids if they do things for you? Do you only love your parents if they do things for you?”

Meira:  “No, of course not. I love my Mum and Dad, I love my kids because I love my kids. I love my Mum and Dad because I love my Mum and Dad.

Me:   “How does it make you feel when you say, ‘I am not good enough?’”

Meira:  “I feel like a slave in chains.”

Me:  “Take a moment to breathe into your body; what does that feel like?”

Meira:  “Desperation, despair, frustration, anger, shame, a victim. I hate myself for getting into this situation. I then get cross and resentful and he says I am a terrible person. Then I have to make up for getting cross. I feel ashamed, I feel judged, I judge myself. I feel I am not a good enough partner.”

Me:  “Do you really believe you are unworthy? What if you started saying, ‘I am worthy, just because I am who I am!’ What do you need to give up to get unstuck?”

Meira:  “I guess I need to give up trying to get his love. And accept that he either does love me for who I am or he doesn’t.”

Me:  “And who do you need to do things for to get your business going, to have time for your friends and for your recreation?”

Meira:  “Oh, I guess me. I have to do things for me. It is going to be so hard to care for me—I am so used to thinking I have to do everything for everyone else to get love.”

Me:  “Yes, it is going to be hard. You can choose to be gentle and loving to yourself. So, what are you going to choose?”

Meira and I talked for a while.

She realized that for her entire life, she thought that she had to do things for others in order to be loved—but the one person she forgot to do things for and love was herself.

Everyone around her got used to her being there for them. She felt flattened from doing everything for everyone she loved in her life and she had no time for herself. She was depleted of energy as no one was giving to her and she was not giving to herself.

She hadn’t realized that if she didn’t take care of herself, she couldn’t take care of anyone else.  She didn’t realize that she had unconsciously bellieved that if she did things for everyone else they would do things for her.

She was shocked to realize that it just doesn’t work like that.

Disclaimer:  Please note in all of my blogs I change the names of my clients and friends and make them anonymous.

My journey has taken me down many paths—on each path I have deepened my own wisdom and my ability to guide others to find their truth and give themselves the courage and the freedom to live a life that makes them come fully alive! I have been a teacher, a high flying consultant, a housewife, a mother, a caretaker for my dying Mother, a mosaic artist, a facilitator, a gardener, a researcher, an investor, a roadie for an Irish harpist, a coach and more. Now as I grow into eldership, I am sowing the seeds I have gathered of truth and wisdom so that I may help others on their journey, while I grow into my new role as author. Connect with me on FacebookTwitter or LinkedIn—or send me an email at deb@deblange.com.au.

~

Editor:  April Dawn Ricchuito

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5 Responses to ““I Do Everything I Can to Be Loved!” ~ Deborah Lange”

  1. deblange says:

    I am learning to take the back seat to my thoughts and what I say more and more each day. I can not believe sometimes how I have listened to the voice inside my head that has then spoken that is the voice that knows little at all!!! the voice of the saboteur!! I feel I am at long last knowing the difference!!!

  2. [...] We think we are starving for love and we troll dating sites and bars searching for that person or experience that we think is going to feed us. We think, perhaps if we fuck it open, it will give us the spiritual nutrition we seek. [...]

  3. I have just written an essay about the same topic. Everything changes ones we realize that we will never be able to make everyone happy. If we focus on making our partner happy we always depend on his mood which is most of the time dependent on his environment. I have learned that when I am happy, my partner will be as well. I can give a lot more with my happiness than trying to please him. But the most important thing is to accept that we do not have to live by the effect of our surroundings. it si up to us how we react and how everything that is not within us effects us. Wow, what an amazing power to have. EVERYTHING will turn out just fine if we focus on making ourselves happy by choosing joyous feeling over anything!

    • deborahlange says:

      Hi Rita, I missed your reply!!!
      Yes, I totally agree with you! It is a new way to be as I grew up in an era where you "did" things to make other people happy! The "old" belief of partners coming together to be complete and effecting one another is gradually being replaced. I notice young people struggling to be independent and to be in a relationship.
      I think we have so many divorces as society is still in a transition of "dependent" relationships – to independent relationships and co-dependent relationships to learning how to be inter-dependent. To me this is looking after your own needs and supporting one another on our own journeys as we journey together. Those people who are working this out are creating flourishing relationships!
      Good on you and your partner!!
      I have just written another blog on this topic with a slightly different slant.

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