I almost lost an opportunity to surrender yesterday.
Someone, in a very nasty way, remonstrated with me about something I had done, a very minor infraction so far as I was concerned. I minimally apologized and left the room.
But I didn’t let it go.
Replaying it over and over in my mind, feeling bruised and hurt about the way she had said it, I carried my anger and pain throughout the day and night. I woke up feeling hurt and angry, I heard myself thinking of ways to get even. Nothing dramatic but subtle so that only she and I would know what I was really doing.
Now admittedly, this person has a reputation of being nasty and so I could easily think that I had been the victim in all this. I could have even had a slew of people agreeing with me about her terrible behavior.
A miracle fell upon me.
Perhaps because of this new prayer of mine to feel new in my life, and do things differently with different consequences. My own anger and sadness at this woman was old; even though I was “right,” my so-called “rightness” did nothing to dispel my pain.
This time I really heard what she said about me, and even though it was presented in a mean-spirited way, her words contained a truth about a behavior of mine. This undesirable behavior of mine is something I have engaged in, most of the time unconsciously.
I began to feel a wave of gratitude towards her for this new awareness. It made me remember that gurus and teachers don’t always come in the form of angelic beings.
Could I have had this awareness had she been kinder about it? I don’t think so.
Most of us have stated or demonstrated to people we disagree with, “I can’t and won’t hear what you say because you’re so angry about it.”
We don’t seriously take what they say, even though the words hold vestiges of truth that come out harshly because of their frustration with us. Like most people, I am quick to defend myself.
I think what is beginning to emerge is a true desire to free myself of what no longer serves me.
My teacher Ma Jaya once said we had a choice, either to surrender to the sunlit path and be happy or struggle.
I didn’t understand what she meant. Today I understand a broader scope of what that word surrender means; for me, it means (at long last) to let go of my victim ego, and listen, surrender to a truth somebody is trying to tell me, even if wrapped in an unkind package.
If we are serious about going to God, almost everything can be seen as a gift “if we have the eyes to see and ears to hear it.”
Editor: ShaMecha Simms
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