How I Survived Being Dumped by My Fiance.

Via on Oct 27, 2012

I haven’t written for elephant in about a year.

The reason?

My ex-fiance fired me from the business that I helped him build. Why?

Good question. I’m not sure I’ll ever know the real answer. So, instead, I’ve come up with my own conclusion; he just wasn’t that into me. (Or into having me as a business partner).

The irony of all of this is that I tried to put on my self-help hat at the time and write an inspirational article for all of you. But, in hind sight, I was being a total fraud. If you haven’t read it yet, take a look at my very pathetic attempt to inspire you, (when really I was dying inside).

Well, maybe dying is a bit harsh, but I was most certainly too scared (and embarrassed) to admit the truth.

Ironically, I’d been writing a blog back then called Love Your Truth. I probably should have called it something like Love What You Want Other People To Think Is Your Truth. I started writing it on January 1, 2010, along with an intention to write and practice yoga everyday for one year. The problem was, I was lying—to both you and me.

What was the real truth behind Love Your Truth?

The real truth is that 10 days before starting the blog, my fiance, (whom I’d been with for 2 years) told me he didn’t want to get married anymore.

He said he wasn’t breaking up with me,  just didn’t want to get married anymore, to anyone. But, since that wasn’t what I wanted, I didn’t believe him. Instead, I started creating reasons why he didn’t mean what he said. Maybe, he was just getting spooked, (since he’d been hurt by his ex-wife). Maybe, he was letting his abandonment issues get in the way. Maybe, he would change his mind when he remembered how many dreams we shared for the future.

Certainly that wasn’t his truth. Or was it?

Instead of listening to my fiance’s truth, I started writing and practicing yoga everyday for a year. And I started writing articles for you to read on elephant, so that I could inspire someone other than myself to seek the truth. Clearly I wasn’t about to do it for myself. Not then, at least. I managed to bypass my own search for the truth for another two years, as I tried to convince my fiance why he still wanted to marry me.

In the end, I got fired. Then, I got dumped.

I must have needed those two wake up calls in order to finally realize how much I’d been lying to myself since our devastating conversation. I had not been happy. I had not been at peace. And, I most certainly had not been aware of, nor living, my own truth.

The last article I wrote for elephant did, however, have quite a bit of truth in it. This is what it said:

I’ve always had a difficult time pursuing my own dreams. I guess that’s why I ended up working in sales and development for someone else’s start up company for the past three years. Instead of using my energy to create my own company or pursue my own vision, I worked along side them to create theirs. At the time, it was much more comfortable for me to help someone else build their dream than to go out on a limb and chase my own. I didn’t have to go out in search of it, take a leap of faith to go after it, or run the risk of failure if I didn’t succeed doing it…Well, I guess there’s really no time like the present…Sure…with choice comes risk, and with risk comes the possibility of failure. But by not making the choice to live the life I’ve dreamt of, I’m risking more than just failure. I’m risking my chance for greatness, my sense of self-worth, and my ultimate version of true happiness.

Granted, I wasn’t exactly truthful about why I wrote the article, (nor the fact that I’d been desperately unhappy for the  two years prior), but I was absolutely truthful in its message.

I had had difficulty pursuing my own dreams. I did end up building someone else’s (my ex’s) dream, because it was too scary for me to go out on a limb and chase my own. And I was realizing that my chance for greatness and my sense of self-worth were totally at risk.

Which brings me back to why I wrote this article. (Don’t worry. This is the truth, too).

I was able to get over my fiance, because I knew for certain that I’d been fired, (and dumped) for reasons greater than myself—reasons that I wasn’t aware of at the time, and reasons that I continue to realize each and every day. Once the relationship was finally over, I got another wake up call. (I actually like to call them bitch-slaps now, but that’s just because I’m not as mushy and sugar-coated as I was when I wrote Love Your Truth.)

This time the universe was very clear. She said,“You have 48 hours to pout.”

So, I fully and completely took her up on it. And I fully and completely pouted and sobbed and wailed for every last second of those 48 hours. I didn’t do anything else. When my friends tried to get me to calm down, I refused. I told them that the universe told me to. (This really didn’t help my case with them already thinking I was having a mental breakdown, but I didn’t really give a damn.)

When my 48 hours were up, I took out a piece of paper and started writing. Only this time, I was fully and completely writing my truth after fully and completely pouting about not being able to change my ex’s. He didn’t want to get married, he didn’t want to be with me and he didn’t really care anymore, either.

I decided to get over it.

I sat down with my piece of paper, and wrote “The Credo For Getting Over A Breakup” across the top. Then I listed the ways that I would get over my ex, and titled the credo The 10 Secrets To Beating A Broken Heart Before It Beats YOUI memorized all 10 credos and posted them on the wall next to my bed.

Then I realized something, change takes two things—desire and action. If I wanted to change my broken heart back into being a healthy and happy one, I needed to want to get over my ex and take action to get over him. But I never wanted to have to get over him. So, how was I supposed to want to get over him now?

Good thing I had another realization that day. I realized that the rest of life depended on me getting over him..

And if ever I wanted to realize my big, beautiful dream that I’d been too scared to go after in the past, I had to make sure I rid myself of all the anger, sadness, resentment, insecurity and rejection that I felt as a result of my broken heart.

Realizing this created my desire to get over him. And The 10 Secrets To Beating A Broken Heart Before It Beats YOU was my plan of attack. I was on a mission to beat my broken heart before it beat me.

Now I’m not saying this was easy, or anything of the sort. Sometimes the hardest part of making a change is making the decision to change to begin with. This was quite possibly the hardest thing I’d ever done, actually. But like I mentioned earlier, the rest my life depended on it.

So, when my mind started to drift back into anger, sadness, resentment, insecurity or rejection, I promptly repeated the credos to myself until the feelings subsided. Surprisingly, it worked almost immediately each and every time. If it didn’t, then I’d give myself five minutes to pout, (or scream, or bitch, or feel sorry for myself or whatever reaction arose at the time).

It was like boot camp for my broken heart. And I was kicking ass.

Surprisingly, it worked almost immediately each and every time. If it didn’t, then I’d give myself up to 10 minutes to pout (or scream, or bitch, or feel sorry for myself or whatever reaction arose at the time). It wasn’t long before I didn’t have to give any minutes at all. Besides, hadn’t I already giving my ex enough of my time in the past? Why would I give him even another minute of it?

There was no way in hell I was about to give him another minute of it. Especially since I had my own dream to pursue and my own truth to fall in love with after so many years of ignoring it. So I accepted the fact that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, I let go of the past, and I began to trust the process.

Thirty days later, I’ d written my first book. My big, beautiful dream had finally been realized, and I was loving every bit of my truth that was written inside of it.

Funny how the universe sometimes has other plans for us. She knows what she’s doing, so trust her. She’ll give you all the experiences and tools necessary to realize your own big, beautiful dream—if you just sit back and let her do her job.

But she does need your help, because she’ll probably put you through some gut-wrenching, heart-breaking experiences before you’re ready to realize that big, beautiful dream of yours.

So if you’re heart has to break first, let it. But then, kick its ass.

 

 

 

~
Editor: Thaddeus Haas

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About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak is the internationally acclaimed Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over Him Doesn’t Have To Be!". A professional dating and relationship coach by day and fun-loving dating diva by night, Ellen offers love advice and coaching for thousands of men and women around the world on her website and through her proven coaching programs. After surviving a breakup with her ex-fiance of 5 years, Ellen realized that her sense of self-worth and self-love were suffering. She promptly developed a plan to mend a broken heart and heal herself from the inside out, which she turned into a revolutionary downloadable system. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.

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3 Responses to “How I Survived Being Dumped by My Fiance.”

  1. Misann says:

    I needed to read EXACTLY this. Thank you!

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