Last summer one of my guy friends began to email me a little too regularly.
It started very innocently with questions about yoga. “Which mat should I use?” “How should I begin?” “What should I wear to class?”
I spent a lot of time answering his questions and helping him prepare for his first class.
His first day of yoga school was a lot like my other students’ first time. He was nervous, a little tense, and anxious to get started. But there was a tad of attached excitement towards me that I could sense. He was like a puppy. But not like a cute one—not warm, playful, and confident. He was more like one of those annoying little dogs that get so excited they start to pee all over everything.
I blew it off because I’m always making things more dramatic than they really are.
He looked much more relaxed after class, so I believed my work was done here. He would be hooked on yoga, and that would be the end of our emails.
The emails kept coming. Asking about the benefits of yoga, how long he had to practice, where could he get some yoga clothes for guys… Fair enough.
Then the yoga questions ran out, and there it was in my inbox—a message from him. No yoga attached.
“Hope you are having a beautiful week. I hope you don’t mind me saying that you are beautiful….” with the little bald yellow winky face!!! Really?!?
That was it. I never emailed him back and he never came back to yoga. So please pray for him.
Fast forward a few months.
I decide that my husband and my relationship could stand to be kicked up a notch since we’ve been like two ships passing in the night. I told him, “I think we should have an affair.” His face hardened… Then I said, “With each other.” His face softened, with an eyebrow raise of intrigue.
The next girls night out, I mentioned my plan to spice up married life, and one of them told me about “The Sex Experiment,” which is a way for couples to give their love life a little extra attention. These are only tips you can get on “girls night out” over wine and french fries. I decided it would be fun for my husband and I to start emailing each other admirations and such.
I’m a fan of books, words, exclamation points and poetry. In the words of Family Guy’s Stewie Griffin, I have been known to get a linguistic erection from written words.
But soon my fantasy of a renewed love life came to a screeching halt, as I remembered those annoying emails, and the unsexy winky face used to tell me I was beautiful. For fear that this would happen again, I put a stop to the whole thing.
So for all of you thinking of writing a spicy email to someone…
Here’s a countdown to why email affairs are never sexy. (This goes for porn too.)
#5 Computer keyboards are hard and cold.
#4 Even if you’re writing love poems, the written pen is a reflection of the heart. No matter what script you choose, there is not much personality reflected in a typed word.
#3 There’s something that happens in the space beyond words, between two people, that the space bar can’t capture. And something that happens within the spoken word as truth flows over shaking lips.
#2 You have no idea what kind of multitasking could be going on behind those sexy emails—from work emails, to Facebook pop-ups, footsie pajamas, screaming kids and a bowl of cheerios.
And the number one reason…
Those damn animated emotions! No matter how unattractive you are, you’ve got to be better looking than a bright yellow, bald, winky face!
Ed: Lynn Hasselberger