We blame ourselves for everything. Even if we’re outwardly blaming someone else, it stems from a place of guilt. We try to divert attention in case someone might realize our part in the situation.
The truth is, however, that what happens to and around you has very little to do with you. Okay, so your very presence alters the Universe and your hinny in more special that anyone else’s, but that’s pretty much where it ends.
What does have to do with you is your response to life.
How arrogant we are to think that the way someone else chooses to behave has anything to do with us; they are only reacting from their own ego, who also thinks that what you are doing has everything to do with them. To burst another “I’m special” bubble; they are experiencing the same guilt we are.
“She’s mistreating me because I hurt her 12 years ago.”
“He’s with her because I wasn’t a good enough wife.”
“My boss doesn’t like me because I was late those three times.”
“My father abused me because I was always in the way.”
And on, and on.
Bullshit; people behave the way they behave because they have chosen to behave that way. No one is holding magic strings, making us puppets.
Someone you love hurts you, how do you respond? Do you attack or do you love?
It’s your choice. And, how you choose to respond has nothing to do with them…it’s entirely up to you. Which also means that how they respond to you is entirely up to them. You haven’t made them do anything.
Who do you think you are that you’re controlling others around you? Even when they try to tell you that it’s your fault, you don’t have that type of power. Love (the only true source of power) doesn’t control. And, control is an illusion.
Get over yourself and focus on building your own house.
We’ve established that we cannot control others, so the only thing to do is to focus on our own behavior. This is where personal responsibility comes in. While it’s often not fun to figure out your responsibility in situations you find yourself, it is the most freeing thing you can do. It’s a form of self-love because you are allowing yourself to be human and accepting your contribution to life.
Then, you have the power to change it.
I’ve been blessed with a group of people in my life over the past year who absolutely will not let you get away with blame shifting. If you’re unhappy, go fix it. If someone won’t ‘let’ you fix it (another illusion), figure it out. You most definitely have some contribution to the situation. Once you find what that contribution is, you’ve found your source of power.
The distinction here is that your contribution is still not what has caused the other person to behave the way they did.
Your contribution always centers around your behavior and/or thoughts about what has happened. Example: I watched a woman walk out of my ex-husband’s home one morning while we were still married, but separated. (We live next door to each other.) My daughter said ‘I know her, that’s the bartender from Chili’s.
I flipped shit; I went absolutely crazy…in front of my kid.
My ego said it was his fault; it was his fault that I was hurting and his fault that I freaked out. But no: I chose to freak out. And my contribution to my own pain was choosing a man who would do such a thing. He showed me when we first met that he is okay with having and deceiving several women at once. He did it to me for our first four months together.
But, I chose to marry him anyway. (And, I’ve chosen to stay in my home immediately next door to his, which allows his behaviors to be directly in my face.)
However, his choice to have the bartender over had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t because I left him a year prior and had dated other people. It’s because he chose, in that moment, to behave that way. He loves to blame me for his actions. He does it constantly, sometimes making a good case. But, that doesn’t remove the personal responsibility he has for how he lives his life and how he treats others.
So, ultimately, it’s all bullshit.
We choose our lives. While we can’t choose what happens around us and how others treat us; we can choose our response. And, only in a response do we make time to consciously choose. When we react our ego is running the show, which always makes matters worse, and causes more pain.
As far as your guilt goes, drop it; you aren’t making them behave the way they do.
Your screw-ups as a human didn’t cause another to choose to hurt you. They are just as powerful as you are, and are just as free to choose. And believing the lie that you have anything to do with their behavior often keeps you trapped in the cycle of trying to get it right so they will behave differently.
Let it—and them—go.
Choose your life and who you are going to be in it. Let go of the illusion that it has anything to do with anyone else.
In this space, you have unlimited power.
Mikela Rae‘s vision is to live in a way that promotes spiritual and consciousness expansion. Her passion lies in helping others develop mental and physical habits that allow them to find their true Self. In this way, one more soul is reconnected to the whole. She is an Ashtanga yogi, writer, consciousness coach, mother, ex-wife, trail runner, speaker, ranch hand, aircraft mechanic, cook, mystic, listener, healer and a bad ass. Find her on tumblr, twitter and facebook.
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Ed: Bryonie Wise
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. A Letter to my Children: You do not come from a Broken Home. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. Mom, can I Call her Mom, Too? Jon Stewart makes first appearance since retiring—”it’s not your country.”