The 3 paths (how) to Happy, Healthy, Peaceful, Real, Authentic. How to Be Love. ~ Ben Ralston

Via on Jan 12, 2013

So many spiritual teachers tell you:

“Be Real!”

“You are Love!”

Live in the Moment!”

But it’s all meaningless if you don’t know how to do, be, and experience those things isn’t it?!

Here’s how:

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This was partly inspired by Waylon Lewis’s How post.

Thank you to Elma.

Please share!

About Ben Ralston

Ben Ralston almost joined the army when he was 18. When he was 32 he almost became a Swami. *** Now he is a healer, Reference Point Therapy teacher, and advanced Yoga instructor in the Sivananda tradition . His work as a healer acknowledges trauma as the underlying cause of almost all human problems, and resolves trauma at the causal level: gut-based survival instincts. The intention behind all his work is to empower others. *** Ben splits his time between his busy international practice, training therapists, and writing. As an experienced Yoga and Meditation teacher he also runs retreats, usually on the beautiful Croatian coast. *** Connect with Ben on Facebook. Read more of his writing on his new website with integrated blog! Yes, he's excited about that :)

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22 Responses to “The 3 paths (how) to Happy, Healthy, Peaceful, Real, Authentic. How to Be Love. ~ Ben Ralston”

  1. Liz says:

    Hi Ben! Thank you so much for this. I intuitively felt, "yes!" when you spoke about animals being able to let go of trauma, but humans not being able to. I think this has to do with our survival fears and our violent history deeply embedded in our consciousness. We experience a trauma, and our egos think that if we hang onto the memory and design our lives in hopes of preventing trauma from occurring again, that we are actually helping ourselves. At least that is what I experience in myself. I want to let go of the trauma, but am afraid that if I do then I somehow make myself vulnerable to more in the future. I know that may sound irrational, but that is where I am at. I guess I lack trust. Can you speak to anyone who may be having trouble letting go of trauma now, that feel for whatever reason it is unsafe for them to do so? Thanks again for this! Liz

  2. Becky says:

    Love this Ben! Great to listen to, much Gratitude!

  3. Lori Bell says:

    Hi, Ben.

    I have just recently realized that when I am alone, really alone, physically alone in my own "home" (where I eat and sleep), then every moment becomes a form of meditation for me, whether I am preparing food, washing dishes, washing clothes, etc., etc. I do get to experience my own Being as Love, very directly and continuously in that physical and psychological space. However, if there are other people there to "observe" me doing these ordinary chores, or to "observe" me being who I am in any moment, then it is very, very easy to lose that feeling of "meditation" – instead, handling these normal responsibilities of life takes on the quality of a "performance", in part because there is an "audience."

    Or, maybe those other people are seeking to draw my attention to themselves, to draw attention to whatever they are "performing" in their own lives, and so I am drawn out of that place of meditation in "response" (or reaction?) to them. (Unlike your dog who does not allow the cat to draw him out of his state of meditation. :))

    There have been few times with few people where I have felt I could share that state of "meditation" With them, because they were also able to simply Be that way themselves.

    As I have considered this, I've thought about another aspect of the complexity of our society and it is the fact that our population has grown to such an extent that it is really quite difficult for people to be able to spend long periods of time By Themselves; i.e. Just Being Themselves, just "meditating" themselves, without having an "audience", without that taking on the quality of a "performance" for them. In so many ways, it is like we are almost always "performing" for others, or think that we have to be "performing" for others, or we internalize all of the expectations around us and in turn feel we have to be "performing" for ourselves.

    As you have indicated in your video, staying in that "connected" place does not require formal meditation. As I am aware, I can be quite active, can work effectively, etc., etc. and still be in that place of meditation, but when there are others around, especially others who are not in that same place themselves, between empathy, mirror neurons, airborne biochemicals, unconscious "projections", etc. – what might be seen as the rather "normal" aspects and interactions of our being "social" creatures – experiencing all of that can definitely make it more difficult for anyone to Stay in that meditative, self-connected state and not be Distracted from it.

    And yet, as you have explained here, it is one of the most important experiences we have to gain from being here, in this world, in these bodies.

    Thank you for sharing this, Ben, and for simply Being Who You Are.

    • Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

      Thank you for Being who you you Are too Lori – I very much enjoy our dialogues here and there on the interwebz!
      As for the content of what you say above, (and in your article that you link to below – which I recommend to anyone reading this – ) the first thought I have is to quote J.P. Sartre – "Hell is Other People".

      I've not given it a great deal of thought yet, but I think that what you speak about is primarily a boundary issue. As you say in your piece, as a child "I grew up living with my mother, day in and day out. Our lives were "enmeshed" emotionally and pscyhologically. I was in no position to assert my own needs for personal space or even personal boundaries. I adapted myself to that experience and, in many ways, I have been adapting myself ever since".

      This "enmeshing" is what can happen when the boundaries are violated (and "violation of boundaries" is the definition of abuse, by the way).
      What happens – the reason for the feeling of "performance" – is that when other people are around your boundaries kind of "collapse", so that you become aware of other people's feelings, thoughts, projections, moods, needs, desires, etc. And less aware of your own.
      It's almost like getting "sucked into" their space, and out of your own. And probably feels quite debilitating in a way.

      Does this sound about right?

      • Lori Bell says:

        Yes, Ben. That is exactly right. You've used the very same word "sucking" that I have used to describe the feeling myself. Even in written letter exchanges with my mother over the past few years I have felt that "pull", and have been loathe to "get sucked back in" with her. It is also part of the reason I have not had direct contact with her since she went into the mental hospital. (She is in an assisted living situation now.) The scary part, is she has no idea what is happening or how it is affecting me.

        Which is pretty much the same with other people as well. They have no idea how sensitive I actually am to everything that is going on with them – fear, sorrow, anger, self-doubt, and misperceptions and projections towards me. And as you suggest, it does become "debilitating" at times and frustrating. I do not want to be "insensitive" to people, but most of the time, they don't realize just how sensitive I am or why I might be (or become) "defensive".

        Besides getting my own place, any other suggestions?

        • Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

          Yeah, a really simple suggestion: work with an RPT therapist to heal the trauma of your childhood and strengthen your boundaries.
          If it were me I'd work directly on the childhood trauma, and then "work on the egg". That means healing ancestral trauma by healing trauma that was present in "your" egg (the one that co-created your body, together with the sperm from your Father). The egg work would not only heal the ancestral trauma from your Mother's side, but also very powerfully strengthen your boundaries.
          That's my suggestion :)

          • Lori Bell says:

            The "egg work" sounds interesting, but I'm afraid it will all have to wait until I get settled again. Moving towards tying up loose ends in Florida and then restarting my bicycle trip from Texas. That will also give me some more "alone time" though before I look for that new place in Santa Barbara, CA. Might want to consider Skyping with you if that is an option later on down the road.

            Thanks for the feedback and understanding – and again, more importantly (from my current point of view) – Thanks for just being who you are and being here now. :)

          • Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

            Just to be clear – I wasn't suggesting that you should necessarily do that work with me. For any number of reasons you may prefer to do it with someone else (a woman, someone cheaper, someone more local etc).
            But I do highly recommend it for you at some point.
            If money is an issue it's possible sometimes to find trainee therapists who do it as part of their training, either for free, or for a donation. I can perhaps help you with that if and when required.
            And, another bicycle trip?! Go Lori!!

  4. Love your videos, Ben! Look forward to more. Happy New Year!

  5. Lori Bell says:

    I was already on the path to writing this blog before I watched your video. It's kind of personal, but I wonder if there is relevance for others as well, especially women. http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01

    Yours in Peace and Love….

    • Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

      Thank you for Being who you you Are too Lori – I very much enjoy our dialogues here and there on the interwebz!
      As for the content of what you say above, (and in your article that you link to below – which I recommend to anyone reading this – )the first thought I have is to quote J.P. Sartre – "Hell is Other People".

      I've not given it a great deal of thought yet, but I think that what you speak about is primarily a boundary issue. As you say in your piece, as a child "I grew up living with my mother, day in and day out. Our lives were "enmeshed" emotionally and pscyhologically. I was in no position to assert my own needs for personal space or even personal boundaries. I adapted myself to that experience and, in many ways, I have been adapting myself ever since".

      This "enmeshing" is what can happen when the boundaries are violated (and "violation of boundaries" is the definition of abuse, by the way).
      What happens – the reason for the feeling of "performance" – is that when other people are around your boundaries kind of "collapse", so that you become aware of other people's feelings, thoughts, projections, moods, needs, desires, etc. And less aware of your own.
      It's almost like getting "sucked into" their space, and out of your own. And probably feels quite debilitating in a way.

      Does this sound about right?

  6. My personal experience with trying to heal trauma is that the more I try to heal it the more my body hangs on to it. I have adopted the method of simply not denying, not fighting, not accepting, not anything of it. Its effects lessen and I am proceeding with the assumption that it will heal itself. When I am connected to the wisdom inside I am led and I trust that will lead me to healing. I feel good with that process.

  7. Aurora 89 says:

    thanks! much needed. However one side note. animals do hold on to trauma. We have a rescue dog and his trauma from the past is with him everyday.

    • Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

      Thank you Aurora.
      And about animals – it's wild animals that don't hold on to trauma (and there may be exceptions to that rule, sure, but dogs – even rescue dogs – have long since stopped being wild, even though it's easy to lost sight of that. Also, the rescue dog's trauma is probably human-related, which is relevant…)

  8. Lori Bell says:

    For those of you who may have followed through reading the "In Defense" blog I posted you may also want to read these recent posts: http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-2.html?m=1, and http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01

    I have another major blog in the works. Will probably be posting in the early part of next week. I welcome all comments and feed-back.

    Yours in Peace,

    Lori

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